Getting serious with BF but can't stand his family - what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it all depends on how the boyfriend reacts to his family. What does he tell your sister about them? How does he want to connect with them as his life progresses? Does he recognize the truth about them?

Does he just ignore the bad, and accept the good? Is that possible long term? What happens when kids come in the picture?

honestly, as someone who has a difficult inlaw family, I'm not sure she should move forward without professional help - a good counselor will help tease out these issues. It was a counselor who helped my husband understand the difference between family of origin and new family we were creating.

That's interesting because our counselor took a different tact. She made us understand that while there is a difference between family of origin and the new family, they were not mutually exclusive. In our case, it was DH who wanted to "cut off" my family. She made us understand, that absent abuse or dysfunction, a loving and positive relationship with extended family was healthier for the smaller family unit.

[Anonymous]

I would only marry him if we were DEFINITELY moving far, far away.

[Anonymous]

I'd say it all depends on whether or not her bf will have her back and how openly they can discuss the negative sides of his family. Most people will get defensive about their families, but he needs to be able to talk honestly about it with her. She needs to be a safe place for him to be honest about their less than stellar qualities. She needs to start talking about it NOW. Saying things like "I was uncomfortable when you Dad used the N-word, how did you feel about it?". Don't let him hide behind "that's just how he is". Yes, that's true, you can't change them, but she needs to know how he plans to act when their kids are there and Gpa is being a racist.

If the bf and your sister can be a team and take on the challenging relative together, things can work out just fine. In fact it can make them closer. However, if this issue divides them, it's better to find that out before the wedding for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say it all depends on whether or not her bf will have her back and how openly they can discuss the negative sides of his family. Most people will get defensive about their families, but he needs to be able to talk honestly about it with her. She needs to be a safe place for him to be honest about their less than stellar qualities. She needs to start talking about it NOW. Saying things like "I was uncomfortable when you Dad used the N-word, how did you feel about it?". Don't let him hide behind "that's just how he is". Yes, that's true, you can't change them, but she needs to know how he plans to act when their kids are there and Gpa is being a racist.

If the bf and your sister can be a team and take on the challenging relative together, things can work out just fine. In fact it can make them closer. However, if this issue divides them, it's better to find that out before the wedding for sure.

Yes, this is the key. Your sister must come first before his family. Does the BF stand up to his family now when they say something offensive and behave inappropriately? We live near our ILs and DH has always been able to stay true to his own character and stand up for me and the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect OP's sister will likely end up thinking that she can live with the situation and down the line she will regret it.

+ 1000

[phone]

Speaking from experience here. ILs just get more annoying over the years.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest she really talk to him (not confrontational!) about his relationship with them. You say they are close to him. Maybe if she learns what positive things he sees in them it will help her be more open-minded. Or if he has learned to cope with them, maybe he can help her understand.

I can't imagine how a family can be that "repulsive" yet a "nice" guy not see it. Can you be more specific about why they are bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is the BF at handling his family? Does he see much of them now? Does he plan to see more of them after marrying? How is he handling your sister's reaction to them?

If they are truly awful people, then your sister has to figure out whether he agrees they are truly awful people, and if so, if he's willing to put his new family with her first and foremost at the expense of these awful people. which if he knows how awful they really are, he will not have a probably limiting contact or pulling away from them for good. I have a relative who did this. His parents were really difficult people and so were his sisters. They treated him poorly and his wife and kids the same. Eventually, he stopped doing this and they're better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it all depends on how the boyfriend reacts to his family. What does he tell your sister about them? How does he want to connect with them as his life progresses? Does he recognize the truth about them?

Does he just ignore the bad, and accept the good? Is that possible long term? What happens when kids come in the picture?

honestly, as someone who has a difficult inlaw family, I'm not sure she should move forward without professional help - a good counselor will help tease out these issues. It was a counselor who helped my husband understand the difference between family of origin and new family we were creating.

That's interesting because our counselor took a different tact. She made us understand that while there is a difference between family of origin and the new family, they were not mutually exclusive. In our case, it was DH who wanted to "cut off" my family. She made us understand, that absent abuse or dysfunction, a loving and positive relationship with extended family was healthier for the smaller family unit.

Not to derail but PP, why would your DH want to "cut off" your family if there was so abuse or dysfunction and the relationship with your family was completely loving and positive? It just seems odd that DH would want nothing to do with them if it were all rainbows and butterflies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it all depends on how the boyfriend reacts to his family. What does he tell your sister about them? How does he want to connect with them as his life progresses? Does he recognize the truth about them?

Does he just ignore the bad, and accept the good? Is that possible long term? What happens when kids come in the picture?

honestly, as someone who has a difficult inlaw family, I'm not sure she should move forward without professional help - a good counselor will help tease out these issues. It was a counselor who helped my husband understand the difference between family of origin and new family we were creating.

That's interesting because our counselor took a different tact. She made us understand that while there is a difference between family of origin and the new family, they were not mutually exclusive. In our case, it was DH who wanted to "cut off" my family. She made us understand, that absent abuse or dysfunction, a loving and positive relationship with extended family was healthier for the smaller family unit.

Not to derail but PP, why would your DH want to "cut off" your family if there was so abuse or dysfunction and the relationship with your family was completely loving and positive? It just seems odd that DH would want nothing to do with them if it were all rainbows and butterflies.

^ if there "were no abuse or dysfunction"

sorry for the typos

[Anonymous]

she will also be marrying the family, like it or not, so no I wouldn't do it.

[Anonymous]

At a minimum they will call her an uppity bitch when she is not around, and the kids will be exposed to their value system. Unless BF has an iron will, he will always be in the middle and someone is going to be hurt. Let's not forget the siblings that might gang up against her. The kids will be pulled into as well.

[Anonymous]

At a minimum they will call her an uppity bitch when she is not around, and the kids will be exposed to their value system. Unless BF has an iron will, he will always be in the middle and someone is going to be hurt. Let's not forget the siblings that might gang up against her. The kids will be pulled into as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it all depends on how the boyfriend reacts to his family. What does he tell your sister about them? How does he want to connect with them as his life progresses? Does he recognize the truth about them?

Does he just ignore the bad, and accept the good? Is that possible long term? What happens when kids come in the picture?

honestly, as someone who has a difficult inlaw family, I'm not sure she should move forward without professional help - a good counselor will help tease out these issues. It was a counselor who helped my husband understand the difference between family of origin and new family we were creating.

That's interesting because our counselor took a different tact. She made us understand that while there is a difference between family of origin and the new family, they were not mutually exclusive. In our case, it was DH who wanted to "cut off" my family. She made us understand, that absent abuse or dysfunction, a loving and positive relationship with extended family was healthier for the smaller family unit.

Not to derail but PP, why would your DH want to "cut off" your family if there was so abuse or dysfunction and the relationship with your family was completely loving and positive? It just seems odd that DH would want nothing to do with them if it were all rainbows and butterflies.

It seems odd because you do not know the people involved. LOL My DH is estranged from his family and his family was never really close to extended family anyways. On the flip side, my family is very close - not instrusive- but close. MY DH was used to how he grew up and he was not comfortable with some of things we did (celebrating birthdays, holiday dinners). He wanted us to be or own 3-4 person unit - us against the world. So we had to compromise on a few things we did as far as that is concerned - we do not attend every family function. But he had to compromise that my family would be a part of our lives and he had to be open to the fact that their support was a net positive. In sum, because of his own family, DH did not have a positive veiw of extended family.

[Anonymous]

She should not do it. Once kids are in the picture his side of the family will see them as communal property and the divide between what your sister thinks and what his family thinks will expand. Her husband will be in the middle (if she's lucky he won't side with his family of origin) with the kids and it will be a nightmare.

This way of living is not worth it.

[Anonymous]

I am in this situation and married a really great guy who understands but is still very very close with his family. My life was terrible for the first five years and I cried every night because my husband didn't know how to handle the situation. He either didn't hear how offensive his mother is or has gotten use to his brother and his family so he doesn't see the same thing I saw or heard. His family blames me all the time. They even ganged up on me from time to time. It got really hard to the point that we were going to divorce, although it wasn't him, he refused or saw no reason to move further. Now we have children and my kids get rude and offensive behavior from their cousins (brother in law's dc). My suggestion is if you don't have thick skin, please don't marry him. Trust me I have really really thick skin and it was a nightmare. Now, I just don't say anything around them and hope they don't acknowledge me. I get very very anxious when I have to see my in-laws and eat a bucketful of ice cream after my visit. I also think about the time spent with them the next couple of days and wished I was around different ppl I liked iwth my time. The resentment also builds towards my husband.