Questioning boarding school...mother's dilemma

[Anonymous]

Our extended family has sent many children to various boarding school over the years. Think this through very, very carefully. Although some had good experiences, plenty of others experienced sexual abuse (other students or adults in charge), drugs and very mature situations at a too-young age. The sexual abuse and experimentation stories we've heard from family members is absolutely enough to never consider sending my children. Think it through very carefully.

It seems the area day schools are not immune from these charges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of a parents would let a kid that age essentially move out?
Wow.....

I'm the person who taught at boarding school. It was not my family's tradition -- I was lucky enough to go to an excellent public school that gave me a great education. However, I learned to admire and appreciate the school I taught at and other good boarding schools.

As a high schooler, I had the idea that "you only go to boarding school if you have a drug problem, your parents work for an oil company, or your parents are getting a divorce." As with many stereotypes, there is a grain of truth there that can obscure the larger invalidity of the perception. Although some kids went to boarding school because of a difficult home situation or to get a fresh start or because of parents working overseas, many, many went because of the following two reasons: (1) the families lived in a part of the country where they felt the local secondary school options were not strong; and/or (2) there was a tradition of going away to school for high school. As to the latter idea, I realized that I took it for granted that at age 18 I'd go away to school -- these families simply start earlier and the child goes away at 14 or 15. The parents have done it (and had good experiences); the grandparents have done it (and had good experiences); and they simply want that great experience for their child.

What are some things boarding schools can give you?

1. A simply superb education -- which may or may not be geographically available to you otherwise in your locality;
2. Very strong sports programs -- this often factors in for kids from NYC who have athletic talent -- combined with excellent academics;
3. A very, very close community -- kids get to know their teachers as "whole people" who have kids and grandkids and dogs (oh, the dogs at boarding school!) and there can be wonderful relationships not just between teachers and kids but between kids who bond in a lifetime kind of way.

It isn't for everyone -- probably not for my family -- but it's a neat educational option if it works for the child and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Do you think local private schools are comparable up Andover? I'm not from this area and would consider saving a ton in order to send dc to a local private. This might be a compromise for dh in terms of dc getting a great education but not going to his alma mater.

Dc is open to the idea. We toured a few years ago when in the area and he was excited. Now that it's more of a reality, he seems excited but nervous about being on his own. Dh says totally normal at this stage and I say keep my baby home!!

Listen to your gut. Keep you DC home. You'll only have 4 more years to be in the same house, then he will be on his own. Why start it now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Do you think local private schools are comparable up Andover? I'm not from this area and would consider saving a ton in order to send dc to a local private. This might be a compromise for dh in terms of dc getting a great education but not going to his alma mater.

Dc is open to the idea. We toured a few years ago when in the area and he was excited. Now that it's more of a reality, he seems excited but nervous about being on his own. Dh says totally normal at this stage and I say keep my baby home!!

I am the former boarding school teacher, and I've taught at good day schools as well. Yes, the local private schools are comparable in many ways (particularly the ones seen as the strongest academically, such as Sidwell, GDS, St. Albans). Here are some points of similarity and difference:

1. Because of its large size (1000), Andover is able to have broader course offerings than the smaller private schools here;

2. From what I've seen, the quality of the teaching is virtually identical at Andover and the top private schools in this area -- quite high in both places and similar in style (discussion based, student-driven, lots of writing, focusing on critical inquiry) -- although Andover may have more PhDs on its faculty (if that is important to you);

3. Andover undoubtedly has a top cohort of superb students, and again, because of the size, that means there may be a larger critical mass of top students populating the highest level classes. But the top kids at the local privates are indistinguishable in talent/achievements. The percentage of National Merit Semifinalists is fairly similar between Andover and the top private schools around here, for example. The "spread" from top to bottom is fairly similar between Andover and the more selective schools around here (and anybody who went to an Ivy league school for undergrad knows you'll see that same spread) -- not everyone is a superstar by any means.

4. For college matriculations, when you adjust for size, Andover is more comparable to your Sidwell/St.Albans type school than you might think, although they still send more students to Ivies even as a percentage (some of this is attributable to sports programs like ice hockey and to legacies, of which day students have a lot as well).

5. There are more opportunities to play varsity sports at the smaller day schools. There are of course programs that don't cut at Andover, but there's more of a feel of a public high school where there are athletes and non-athletes, and less of the "everybody is playing a sport" thing that you tend to see at a lot of the schools around here, including the very academically oriented ones.

6. The performing arts around here compare well, although it can be more of a burden for day students to juggle the schedule than kids who live on campus as at Andover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it would be a shame to deny your son this opportunity that others would love. Hard to get admitted to Andover.

[Anonymous]

If your DS wants to go, send him. At 14, his opinion counts for a lot, leave it up to him.

We plan on sending our DS b/c it is family tradition but ultimately, he gets to choose. His grandfather hated it but he knew he was being sent b/c his father and stepmom wanted him gone. My DH went and loved it but he wanted to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Do you think local private schools are comparable up Andover? I'm not from this area and would consider saving a ton in order to send dc to a local private. This might be a compromise for dh in terms of dc getting a great education but not going to his alma mater.

Dc is open to the idea. We toured a few years ago when in the area and he was excited. Now that it's more of a reality, he seems excited but nervous about being on his own. Dh says totally normal at this stage and I say keep my baby home!!

My .02: I went to a top-flight boarding school (not Andover, but same league) for two reasons: to get away from my abusive father and because I was bored out of my mind at school (I lived in a rural area with lousy public schools). I got a great education and went to a top Ivy, but I would never send my child to boarding school during four of the most important years of his life. If your child has a good local option (public or private) and is happy and challenged, why bother with boarding school? You will never get these years with your child back. Boarding schools are for kids with no good local options (or who are so brilliant they need a place like Andover to truly stimulate them), kids with problems at home, and foreigners who want to study in the U.S. If your child doesn't fall into one of the categories, there's no reason for him to go away.

Agree with this perspective. I also went to a top-flight boarding school and then a top Ivy. I would never send my child to boarding school. I think it's interesting how many boarding school graduates feel this way even if, like me, they had on balance a good experience.

[Anonymous]

I'll be damned if I let family tradition tell me how to parent my own child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll be damned if I let family tradition tell me how to parent my own child.

You are special and courageous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll be damned if I let family tradition tell me how to parent my own child.

This is actually an excellent point. It really is the weakest reason to do something. We sent DC to DH's school (locally) and it was a terrible fit. OP you need to take DH's connection out of the equation and ask yourself if this makes sense independent of that. And you have to make sure your DC wants to go and isn't feeling pressure from his father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be damned if I let family tradition tell me how to parent my own child.

You are special and courageous.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

I would have killed to go to boarding school ... But that was because I had an evil stepmother, neglectful father, and an unengaging high school environment. I have a brother who was sent away to live with relatives when he was 14 - he would have been much better off at a great, nurturing boarding school. And then yet again, I have two male friends who were totally scarred by the all-boys military academies they got sent to, but then one of them transferred to Northfield Mt Herman and had a great time.

Moral: depends on the kid and the school alternatives!

[Anonymous]

I would consider sending my children to boarding school if they expressed an interest and we were set on a school with terrific fit.

I'm not so sure every parents here cackling about their stellar parenting is any persuasive evidence in favor of kids staying at home. Perhaps, these parents have only a selfish need for lost companionship given the number of split-ups, divorcees, step children and kids shuttled between households ... some by a Judges order.

Boarding school, day school and public school are all personal decision -- not the least of which is determined by ability to pay. On the latter note, 90% of the US population must be bad parents because they send their kids to the public school around the neighborhood corner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be damned if I let family tradition tell me how to parent my own child.

You are special and courageous.

Huh?

Okay, translated: "You are preening and self-righteous."

[Anonymous]

Think about it this way - If you can find a daycare center to take your child at 8 weeks old so that you can return to work, find a grandparent willing to watch them for a couple of weeks every few months so that you and your DH can spend quality time together, find an elementary school with an aftercare program, and then send them off to boarding school at 14 years old, you can pretty much avoid the whole parenting thing completely. If that's your goal, I say go for it!