Questioning boarding school...mother's dilemma

[Anonymous]

My child is in middle school and will very likely be accepted to Andover boarding school. My dh is all for it as he graduated from there. I am very reluctant to send my child to a boarding school. Separating from them once they go to college will be hard enough; why accelerate the inevitable separation?

I know it is a wonderful school and had a huge impact on my dh during his formative years. My upbringing was very different and my parents would never have considered sending us away to school because they wanted us close during those impressionable teen years. My family is very close to this day .

Any feedback from parents? Even sending them for a year or two is hard for me.the thought makes me want to quit my job and move with my child to a nearby city to ensure I am close if they need me.

[Anonymous]

can you send to a summer program instead. exchange program? I think you are thinking a lot about how you feel and your husband how he felt. What does your child think? are they the type to hate it? get involved with the wrong crowd? impressionable? do you think they'd thrive on their own?

I wouldn't be able to do it, but I think it is more because it is so different from how I was raised.

[Anonymous]

This is a decision your child can (and should) make. Went to Exeter, and it's great for kids who want to be there. Misery for those who don't. Living close by is not a realistic solution. That's just not just how boarding school works.

[Anonymous]

I would have a hard time with this as well, but I think I would let the child have a say in it. 14 is old enough, and the decision is pretty serious that he should have a voice.

[Anonymous]

I went to boarding school and my parents were not thrilled. It was my idea and my decision. I'm sure they missed me but I am still very close to them as an adult and we all feel that our relationship may actually be better because I missed those teen years at home. During those years I rebelled against the rules at school, not against my parents. Having said all that, not sure I could send my kids to boarding school. Ask me again when they are teenagers however.

[Anonymous]

Can you squirrel away the money you would have spend on boarding school starting now to build up a large trust fund for DC? Seems like saving the money, going to good public schools and eventually a good job and career where DC doesn't need to put in much more than 40 hours/week might be as good of an investment in his future financially, socially and healthwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child is in middle school and will very likely be accepted to Andover boarding school. My dh is all for it as he graduated from there. I am very reluctant to send my child to a boarding school. Separating from them once they go to college will be hard enough; why accelerate the inevitable separation?

I know it is a wonderful school and had a huge impact on my dh during his formative years. My upbringing was very different and my parents would never have considered sending us away to school because they wanted us close during those impressionable teen years. My family is very close to this day .

Any feedback from parents? Even sending them for a year or two is hard for me.the thought makes me want to quit my job and move with my child to a nearby city to ensure I am close if they need me.

I know it can be really hard. A lot of parents say that they actually have fairly close relationships with their kids who are at boarding school because there's not the "familiarity breeds contempt" that goes on with a teenager living with you! Quality time on vacations, long weekends, coming up to see a game or performance, in the summer. Boarding schools have very generous breaks (very long at Christmas, for example).

Also, I've also heard from parents who currently have kids at boarding school that with Skype/Facetime, they feel pretty connected on a day to day basis. What about sitting down as a family and explaining that this is hard for you, but you know your child is excited for it and you want to support his/her dream, but you really want to make sure that you are committed as a family to staying in touch and want to make sure to set up Skype/Facetime appointments, etc.

I used to teach at a boarding school and there was a lot of warmth and nurturing -- Andover is bigger, so there's less of the "family feel" of some of the smaller schools, but there will be a LOT of support for your child. I think if you can get your head around it you will be glad you gave your child the freedom, but your feelings are important too and I think it's important for your husband and child to know them.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Do you think local private schools are comparable up Andover? I'm not from this area and would consider saving a ton in order to send dc to a local private. This might be a compromise for dh in terms of dc getting a great education but not going to his alma mater.

Dc is open to the idea. We toured a few years ago when in the area and he was excited. Now that it's more of a reality, he seems excited but nervous about being on his own. Dh says totally normal at this stage and I say keep my baby home!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Do you think local private schools are comparable up Andover? I'm not from this area and would consider saving a ton in order to send dc to a local private. This might be a compromise for dh in terms of dc getting a great education but not going to his alma mater.

Dc is open to the idea. We toured a few years ago when in the area and he was excited. Now that it's more of a reality, he seems excited but nervous about being on his own. Dh says totally normal at this stage and I say keep my baby home!!

You don't save that much. Andover is about $10k a year more than the good private schools here (and their day program is about the same as schools here). And it's too late to apply to the good local private schools for next year anyway.

I'd let him go. If he hates it he can always transfer. My DD went to a boarding school and there was actually quite a bit of movement in and out, especially the first 2 years.

[Anonymous]

OP, it would be a shame to deny your son this opportunity that others would love. Hard to get admitted to Andover.

[Anonymous]

My husband and most of his family went to boarding school. I understand the tradition of boarding school. However, there are so many good private schools in DC that I feel it's not necessary. If you live in a small town with only one school, then you don't have a choice. Take a look at St. Alban's and Episcopal High School. I have a young son, so I totally understand how you are feeling. I'm cherishing each year, and I don't want to lose 4 years of being with him. It's also good to be there to guide your child during that time. However, if my child wanted to go to boarding school, then I could not deprive him of that opportunity. It's a really tough call. My husband went to boarding school in 10th grade -- maybe there is a compromise?

[Anonymous]

What kind of a parents would let a kid that age essentially move out?
Wow.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of a parents would let a kid that age essentially move out?
Wow.....

Just because it's not something you personally would do, does not give you the right to pass judgement on those who do think it is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Do you think local private schools are comparable up Andover? I'm not from this area and would consider saving a ton in order to send dc to a local private. This might be a compromise for dh in terms of dc getting a great education but not going to his alma mater.

Dc is open to the idea. We toured a few years ago when in the area and he was excited. Now that it's more of a reality, he seems excited but nervous about being on his own. Dh says totally normal at this stage and I say keep my baby home!!

My .02: I went to a top-flight boarding school (not Andover, but same league) for two reasons: to get away from my abusive father and because I was bored out of my mind at school (I lived in a rural area with lousy public schools). I got a great education and went to a top Ivy, but I would never send my child to boarding school during four of the most important years of his life. If your child has a good local option (public or private) and is happy and challenged, why bother with boarding school? You will never get these years with your child back. Boarding schools are for kids with no good local options (or who are so brilliant they need a place like Andover to truly stimulate them), kids with problems at home, and foreigners who want to study in the U.S. If your child doesn't fall into one of the categories, there's no reason for him to go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it would be a shame to deny your son this opportunity that others would love. Hard to get admitted to Andover.

This is exactly the sort of advice that OP should ignore.