Another divorce or stick it out plea for advice
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Anonymous
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No one here has raised the possibility that OP could have a frank and open discussion with her husband about the situation and what he would like to do about it now. I have done this and it has made a world of difference. We admit to each other that this is a work in progress, with the outcome unclear. But we have a lot more at stake because our children would be far more affected, as they are older. In her shoes, already asking the question while the child is under age 3, I would tell DH that they need to have a serious talk, arrange a quiet neutral place with no one around that knows them, and confront the issue with him, brainstorm solutions (eg., live separately but stay married, live in same house as roommates, get divorced, co-parent, sex counseling.) He may opt for open marriage which I don't see how she can rule it out when it could take any number of formats.
I don't see how one can struggle through sex rather than just be honest and confront the problem. That kind of sex can't be too great for him either. |
Anonymous
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20:55 here: I left, when my kids were 8 and 7.
I was never attracted to my DH (kids' father) either. My reasons for marrying him probably had to do with subconsciously replicating the dynamics in my "family of origin", and wanting to have children. I do not believe that trying to "fake it" will work in the long run. And, leaving will not destroy your daughter. Mine (college senior) has a healthy love relationship with her serious boyfriend of almost 2 years. She is also strong and independent, and would never put up with bad treatment in order to have a relationship. My son is also in a serious relationship with a girlfriend, and is a self-described "relationship kind of guy." |
Anonymous
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Thanks, 21:06, but what do you think we've been doing in counseling? I omitted much of the detail in the interest of not boring readers to death.
So for those interested - I agonized privately for a few months after things had come to a head (lying, spending more than he was contributing to household, being unreliable) because I know he's a good guy despite all of that and I hate to hurt him. I also tend to internalize rather than lash out. I went through a depressing time but am so glad I did - it forced me to connect with friends and family and pursue new interests, as I really wanted to make sure I was wholesomely healthy role model for DC. I have had a number of frank convos with H and asked him his version of relationship events. He agrees on intimacy issues and that things went south in that area around 2007 - a year before we were married. He's super passive, though, and has always always always waited for me to take the lead. That's what he's doing now. I thought his laid back approach was a nice match for my can-do attitude, but it's been exhausting and I'd just like him to have an opinion on our relationship for once. This is so not black and white (what ever is?), and the main thing I'm struggling with is being kind and doing good by DC. H is a good guy. I try my hardest to be a good person too. It's so weird to me that it's possible for two nice folks to have a failed marriage. OK I'm done here. Really. I am making a vow to return and offer support to those asking questions once I'm a bit further along in my journey. Thanks to all, and good luck with all things going on in your lives! |
Anonymous
| (and thank you 20:55! very heartening and so glad your kiddos are happy. I really appreciate your response) |
Anonymous
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OP wishing you the best of luck on your journey. I'm normally very opinionated on DCUM but I am on the fence on this one. I do agree that divorcing while the kids are younger is better than holding on bitterly and divorcing in junior high or later. I have no answers just more questions for you.
Do you think you would do things differently with another guy or would sex drive and intimacy would still be issues? Would you look for different things in a guy and relationship in terms of compatibility and be better at recognizing red flags? I would want to make sure it's not a matter of the issues replicating in any relationship you have. Not that this is a reason to keep DH around, but would you be happy if you divorced and never found anyone while DH remarried within a year? I think you have to be able to make the decision based on it being that this isn't the right relationship for you, not on the premise that there is a better relationship. You have to believe it is the right decision even if you don't find anyone else. If you do find someone else that would be gravy. Where is DH on these things? it sounds like there are some things you would like to change I.e. DH being so passive, the support he gives you at home (whether financial, how he spends money, division of labor). You can't change anyone so is DH willing to change/meet you halfway or is he thinking he would rather be with someone that it was an easier fit? Are you putting far more into keeping the relationship alive? Does he know you are thinking divorce since all the therapy doesn't seem to be helping? Is he thinking there are things that he would like you to change and even if you say you will suck it up, he is very unhappy 5years from now and wants out? You guys have to be on the same page regarding commitment either all in to giving it your best shot for X amount of time to see if it will improve or finding an amicable way out either now or at a pre-determined time. |
Anonymous
| You are continuing the same pattern -- staying with him because you don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings. That is the thinking that got you here. |
Anonymous
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I am less concerned about the lack of attraction and more concerned about the lying and spending money and relying on you to carry the extra weight.
Get a new therapist and see what he/she says. I disregarded the advice of more than one therapist because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. If you get two votes to leave, you should leave now while you both can still salvage a life. Also, the younger the child, the better for them when it comes to divorce. Please believe me. |
Anonymous
Yes. I am married and want my therapist to be an objective role model. Not otherwise. |
Anonymous
Yes, these issues weren't really discussed in your posts - you say your DH is a "nice guy" but lying is even more serious than a lack of attraction. |
Anonymous
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I am sorry to look at the dark side OP, but here it is:
Why stands out to me here is that you are both coping with a lack of compatibility and intimacy, and it's like swallowing a little poison daily. DH's passive aggressive behavior is really destructive- the lying and spending and his failure to earn are all things that add to he general sense of impotence. The fact that you made all of these changes and then "took the blame" by for your lack of intimacy makes me sad. He is dependent on you and always has been, but he beats you up for it because he knows that one day you will leave him. How old are you OP? I understand wanting to stay together for your daughter and giving up intimacy for this. But, are you going to get divorced at 45 or 55...if you want another relationship someday the age of breaking free is a factor. Maybe your Mom sucked it up for too long and this did make her bitter. This is a pattern in your family that you could certainly address in the therapy, why do you pick people that you know in your heart aren't right for the long term? |
Anonymous
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Get a divorce now that your child is so young.She/he has better time to adjusting to divorce-2 households and so on.
If she finds out one day that you stayed in an unhappy marriage for her sake, she'll might blame herself. Your kid wants you to be happy,not married.My parents stayed in miserable marriage-I hate them for it.My dad was physically abusive which is slightly different story, but I still wouldn't have wanted to see my mom sad in the marriage. |
Anonymous
| OP, I would recommend a sex therapist or someone who knows about these issues for you individually. It sounds like there might have been some trauma or abuse in your past? Good luck to you. |
Anonymous
how can she get that spark back when she never had it in the first place? |
Anonymous
| OP, are you still there? Can you explain what you mean by you "choke through sex"? Is your DH a terrible kisser? small dicked, ugly, or does he just plain suck at sex? |
Anonymous
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We just never clicked sexually. He never hit on me and we were just buddies when we met. I kissed him because I was bored one night. Did not feel a spark. We got along so well though and he just kept showing up. No mystery about him - he said from early on that we were just going to stay together and I went with it. My two previous boyfriends, whom I had great sex but bad breakups with, were more independent. I thought mature relationship equaled one with absolutely zero drama, including sexual tension.
I'm wondering if it's possible to have it all in a second marriage. I'm 33, in great shape, smart, kind, happily employed, attractive. I'm also a mom, which is probably a terrifying deal breaker for many good guys. Mostly I'm worried about him not remarrying. The thought of my DD having a sad, lonely dad makes me sad. I need to let that go though and stop taking responsibility for problems that aren't mine. |