Another divorce or stick it out plea for advice

[Anonymous]

I have a real problem with his statement: "I did try to break it off a few times, but he convinced me to stay. When I tried to address our sex issues early in the relationship, he took no responsibility. "

How is it his fault that you stayed for 8 YEARS, married, and had a child with someone you were NEVER attracted to? He actually sounds like a normal dude. He met a girl, fell in love, married and had a child. You are the one who admittedly had enough issues to hit all these milestones with someone you really aren't into. Sounds like you have some intimacy issues that need to be addressed. Otherwise you will find yourself in the same boat.

You ignored gaping red flags and now you are blaming it on him.

[Anonymous]

PP, why so hostile? I dont think she is *blaming* him, I think she is describing how she got here and asking for opinions given the situation.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have a good foundation to be solid co-parents.

So, divorce, and give yourselves both the chance to find someone you love with your whole heart and body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a good foundation to be solid co-parents.

So, divorce, and give yourselves both the chance to find someone you love with your whole heart and body.

+1 Kids are important but it's your life as well. You don't need to be in a marriage you don't want to be in to appease your child.

[Anonymous]

Have the issues with lying, spending money, not doing any work, etc., been resolved?

[Anonymous]

OP here. He's actively working on them and has made progress. It is sometimes two steps forward, one step back, but that's just how change goes so I'm trying to give him credit for his efforts.

I started the 'never in love with you BS' thread too, because I'm really wondering if I'm just being completely inaccurate about our past. The actively avoiding sex with him thing is absolutely accurate, though. Basically we are good friends at our best and I can choke through sex when all else in relationship is perfect. I will do this if it's best for DC but I just don't know. Is this a fair life for me to offer him and good example for DC? I feel like a fool for fantasizing about the grass being greener (for all 3 of us) on the other side of an amicable split.

Thanks for reading my vent and offering advice. I appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever thought about an open relationship so you can get your sexual needs met elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

Nope. Open relationship would not work for us. This is one thing I am completely sure of. Feels nice to be certain about something !

[Anonymous]

I understand the desire to feel attracted to your mate. But, you'd done it for 8+ years already. What would really be MY breaking point is the fact that you are the breadwinner and running the household. Since your priority is focusing on what is best for your child, I would suggest that if your husband can't be a partner (in terms of income and household responsibilities) PLUS you are so unattracted to him that you actively avoid being intimate then what is left?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, why so hostile? I dont think she is *blaming* him, I think she is describing how she got here and asking for opinions given the situation.

I am the PP and she is essentially saying he never took responsibility for her NEVER being attracted to him.

I don't get why more people are not baffled why you would marry someone you were never attracted to. Drifting apart and deciding to move on happens all the time. But that's not what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why more people are not baffled why you would marry someone you were never attracted to. Drifting apart and deciding to move on happens all the time. But that's not what happened.

Some of us get it because we, too, have been "young and vulnerable" and "stayed because I had a skewed idea of what relationships were supposed to be and preferred lying to myself than hurting the feelings of a guy I cared for." I've been there but I was fortunate enough to pull myself out of it before getting married/having kids. Even in the midst of it, I knew it was a mistake but I was too fucked up emotionally to stop before the train wreck.

OP - I do think you should consult with another therapist before making the decision to divorce. I don't mean this is a snarky way but your DH does deserve better than what you're giving him - as do you. Divorce while your DD is young and she'll never know the difference. She'll also grow up having a healthier view of relationships. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Why won't an open relationship work?

[Anonymous]

I would divorce while your child is still young. I wish I had done that.

[Anonymous]

Having been there, and reading what you write, I don't think that you'll be able to stick it out without becoming really bitter.

You don't have that foundation. I read a book once about: "Should I stay or go?", and it gave the advice: If it never was very good, than it's not going to be very good.

Don't let fear keep you from leaving. It won't get any easier. And, you are right -- you both deserve better. And, it's not too late for you both. Don't wait until it is.

[Anonymous]

OP. Thanks as always again. I am often alone with DC as H usually leaves before she gets up and gets home after she's asleep, so I'd hope this would help with possible transition to two homes.

20:55 - What did you do?

18:16 - You rock. Thank you.