Another divorce or stick it out plea for advice
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Anonymous
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I am so confused and really want to do the right thing, so please be gentle.
Basically: after 6 months of individual and couple therapy, I've discovered/admitted that I've never been attracted to my husband. I got together with him 8 yrs ago because I was young and vulnerable and was losing a parent whom I loved dearly. I stayed with him because I had a skewed idea of what relationships were supposed to be and preferred lying to myself than hurting the feelings of a guy I cared for. I did try to break it off a few times, but he convinced me to stay. When I tried to address our sex issues early in the relationship, he took no responsibility. I went to a sex therapist, regular therapist, got my hormones checked, went off the pill, did yoga, took herbs, you name it and I tried it. Therapists said it wasn't my issue but problems with relationship and docs gave me clean bill of health. H and I usually get along, but there were a number of imbalances in the relationship that have been widened by stresses in the past year (he was lying, spending money, I was doing all earning/housework/shopping/finances/etc) and I'm having trouble seeing him as an equal. I asked him to go to therapy and I did the same. I also reached out to friends and family and church and started being honest with myself. My (single mom) therapist seems to be really rooting for a divorce, which I find disconcerting. Here's the thing: we have a wonderful one year old whom we both love. I do not want to destroy her life and honestly feel that my life comes second to hers. I'm trying to do what's best for her. If it were just me, I'd divorce him. I don't hate him - quite the opposite. I just know I can't give him the love I think he deserves. I think we could both have much more fulfilling marital relationships with other people. But it's not about me or him anymore - it's about DC. What is best for DC? I can't imagine her not being hurt (now and throughout her life) by a divorce and the shuffling and stress it will entail. I don't know any divorced people who don't hate their exes, but I do know many unhappy married people and don't want to go down that road. I want to be a good role model for her - does this mean getting a divorce and teaching her to live honestly with herself, or does this mean sticking it out and working to make a flawed relationship with H the best it can be so DC can have a stable home? Thank you. |
Anonymous
| You two should split amicably while she's too young to understand what's going on. Divorce, become friends and co-parents and find people you fall in love with to marry. |
Anonymous
| Disagree. You've been with him for 8 years, thus knowing many of these problems, and yet 18 months ago you still found it within yourself to have a child with him. You are absolutely right; her needs come first. It sounds like you have an OK but not great marriage. That doesn't mean that it can't be improved with a compentent therapist, not one who is projecting her own misery onto you. In any case, you owe it to DC -- and to yourself too -- to work at this more than you have been. Throwing in the towel now "while she's so young," some may sing, is the easy way out. |
Anonymous
It means working to improve the situation you are in so that everyone is at least reasonably happy. Being "honest with yourself" is a joke. You are being honest. You know her needs come before yours. And she needs her daddy in her life in an intact, stable home. |
Anonymous
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Why did you decide to have kids?
Honestly, I think you need to fall in love again. Go on a couples vacation, anything to get that spark back. You are in a rough phase of parenting and it does get better. |
Anonymous
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I might not characterize your therapist's advice as routing for divorce but it does sound that you have built a marriage on a pretty shaky foundation. maybe you can improve it maybe you can't but it seems a long road to continue down given the status quo.
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Anonymous
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OP here - thanks to all who responded. I do agree DC needs her dad and a stable home.
We didn't plan for DC and never, ever had spark - I just closed my eyes or drank too much to get through sex. That's what my mom and sisters did. I actively avoided sex on wedding night and honeymoon and in general. I only was intimate with him because I didn't want to deny him and was blaming myself for being sexually dysfunctional. Therapists are telling me we're just sexually incompatible and it's only now I'm realizing they're right and I should have factored this into the major freaking life decision of marriage and parenthood. My gut is telling me to suck it up for DC's sake. I just hate to set same example my mom did so I really try to fake affection in front of DC. I so, so wish I were discovering I were gay rather than just not attracted to H. Those are the only divorce relationships in my family that have seemed happy for kids. ANYWAY - thanks and good night. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like you never really loved him,
And perhaps never will. Do PP's still feel she should stick it out? |
Anonymous
| Divorce the therapist. |
Anonymous
| On consideration, OP, you describe some very serious issues with yourself and your family. I think you should go to therapy for a solid year before anything else. |
Anonymous
Well, you could look at this another way: even if you were attracted to your H, a lot of the stresses you describe would have decreased or eliminated your attraction to him anyway. I would actually look into fixing these issues first. I think what may cause you the most internal conflict is this idea that maybe you could have married someone who was a better match for you, but you didn't. I am a little bit in the opposite situation- I was intensely in love and attracted to my DH, but we really didn't have a ton in common and over the years, I've thought to myself, "what if I married someone who had a lot in common with me?" But I feel that at this point, it is so pointless and dumb to mourn for something I may have had instead of focusing on working with what I have. I have invested years with DH, had children with him, etc. Discovering new facts about your mental state is not a good enough reason to leave your spouse. |
Anonymous
OP here. Just want to say YES to this! It's the gentle slap I needed. Thank you. Y'all know someone is in a shaky place when they're turning to strangers on the internet for serious, life-changing advice, so I really appreciate everyone being both kind and honest. Thanks. |
Anonymous
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Maybe you should talk to a different therapist for another opinion, in a sense.
I do think that it's better to divorce now while your child is very young. If you can keep it amicable and continue to partner in raising your child, the child won't be hurt. It will be all she remembers. If you've always felt this way about your husband, it's not going to get better. |
Anonymous
+1 if you do decide to divorce I agree it's best to do it before your child remembers anything different. Not that divorce is the right choice, but it might be. You don't love your DH and you never did. But that doesn't necessarily mean there is no hope for your marriage. Getting a second opinion with a new therapist to further explore these issues is key. |
Anonymous
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PP again...I meant that you don't feel "romantic" love for your DH - but it does sound like you have a good friendship.
And he is a good DH and father. And as PP said, you have other issues to work through before you will know what is best. Try another therapist. |