DD does not want an exchange student to come

[Anonymous]

Jesus, people, who makes the rules in your houses? The petulant teenagers? You'd cancel, really, because your kid pitched a fit? Your kid who has taken advantage of someone else's hospitality to the benefit of her own college applications??

I smell another "affluenza" defense coming.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one that thinks somethig is up with the dd that she doesn't want her mom to know about, that an exchange student might become aware of?

For example, does dd have an eating disorder? Has she misled mom about something at school the the student would find out about (something social, maybe she's being bullied, etc)? OP said she works, maybe dd has a boyfriend that comes over in the afternoons?

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but the OP's post screamed "hiding something" right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would rescind.

I think it was inappropriate that you would agree to that without discussing it with the family.

Having a stranger live with you is a big deal, and it will impact your teenager greatly. If you want your teenager to be a responsible adult, you should give her the courtesy of discussing big things like this with her.

For a week? Two dinners at home, the rest of the time off with a group? Good grief, this is a non-issue.

+1. Your daughter will be fine.

Agreed. Also, if she has done this kind of program before, why does she think she shouldn't have to 'give back'? Good way to frame the offer, you are reciprocating because its the right thing to do.

You people either can't remember being a teenager or you had perfect families.

When I was a teenager, I was not at all popular. While I would've been fine going abroad, I would have been mortified hosting someone else, because I didn't fit in my school. So it would have been an exercise in showing a foreign student how I didn't fit in and didn't have many friends.

American high school is very cliquish. I think I would've been fine going to a foreign country. And I realized in college that I fit in much better when I traveled. But my high school was horrible when it came to cliques and popular girls and a special kind of bullying.

Not to mention, there were things about my home life that were awkward.

I would have been terribly ashamed and embarrassed to host someone, and I don't know that my parents or other adults would've understood that.

I think it's different for boys. But for me, high school was difficult socially. A week is a long time when you're in that kind of situation.

I don't know if that is the case with OP's daughter, but I'm guessing if she's that upset about it that it has something to do with that.

And in my school, there was no requirement to host an exchange student if you wanted to be an exchange student. That's not how it worked.

So, yeah, I think it was horribly inconsiderate of OP not to talk to her daughter before offering to host. How would OP feel if her daughter signed her up for some social commitment without discussing it with her first? It's common courtesy.

Even if OP talked to her daughter first and urged her to do it because of reciprocity, that's one thing. But the lesson of reciprocity is canceled out by the inconsiderate nature of how OP went about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typical close-minded American! USA! USA! USA! 'Merca! Fuck Yeah!

...

Exposure to other cultures and languages is perhaps the best education one could ever receive.

Perhaps you missed the part where OP said that her daughter went abroad as a foreign exchange student. So OP's daughter DID get exposed to another culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one that thinks somethig is up with the dd that she doesn't want her mom to know about, that an exchange student might become aware of?

For example, does dd have an eating disorder? Has she misled mom about something at school the the student would find out about (something social, maybe she's being bullied, etc)? OP said she works, maybe dd has a boyfriend that comes over in the aft

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but the OP's post screamed "hiding something" right away.

I'm 18:51. My gut instinct is that OP's daughter isn't that popular. That's big enough when you are a teenage girl. That's why she was probably more than happy to go abroad, but she is reluctant to host.

I disagree with other PPs that she is selfish or doesn't get reciprocity, especially given that it isn't as if the daughter has to spend money or give up stuff. I think it's embarrassment.

I would have been horrified at hosting someone. And I wasn't up to anything. I wasn't selfish. I was interested in other cultures. But I would've been horrified at the prospect of putting my really deplorable social life on display for a teenager from another country.

[Anonymous]

I teach HS. The biggest thing I've learned about teenagers in this role is that they think ENTIRELY about themselves, no matter how sweet / wonderful / smart / lovely they otherwise are. Sounds like this girl is concerned about

-her social life
-her academic life
-sharing her stuff
-sharing her house
-sharing her family

It's only a week. She needs a little perspective. She needs to be reminded that there has to be give and take in life. Teenagers do a lot of taking. Time for a little giving. And she needs to know up front that she needs to be gracious about it, lest she embarrass her mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you really agree to have an exchange student without discussing it with the family first. I find that odd.

That being said we have had exchange students for 1 month + and my introverted son hates it but he needs to get over it. The world does not revolve around him. He does not have to spend every minute with the person but he can't be rude either.

So you should appologize for not discussing it with her first and then tell her to get over it.

+1.

You should have talked to her before giving up half of her room and a good chunk of her study time. She has a point that much of this will fall on her since you work.

THAT SAID....

She went, and this is part of the price.

What you do now:

1. apologize, but say this is happening and she is expected to be gracious.
2. then ask what can be done to help with the time commitment (perhaps your daughter is really just stressed about school projects?)
3. take some time off from work.
4. let daughter bow out of a few group events.

[Anonymous]

Will this person share a room with your daughter or will she have her own room in the house?

Sharing a room is a big ask. I'd be kind of annoyed about that, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I volunteered at my DDs (HS Junior) school to have a foreign excange student spend a week with us. This would entail transportation, and maybe one or two nights for dinner at our home, the rest of the time will be spent with a group. I volunteered because my daughter was an exchange student last year and I thought it would be good to return the favor, and my DD is studying the language. Well my DD went nuts, demanded that I rescind the invitation, said she was too busy at school to accomodate the visitor, why would I do this when I work, she cant stay in my room, etc. Can you understand this reaction? DD is a bit of an introvert, and we live in a small townhome (compared to the vast homes of her friends), but I thought the student might appreciate that the location is close in. But the DD reaction was over the top, should I wait for her to get used to the idea, or just cancel with the school? The student won't arrive till early spring.

Before cancelling anything. I would try to work it out as much as possible. I agree with the other comments. Maybe apologies first or not consulting before hand but then tell her we can't not offer to host especially since she had gone on an exchange. Then work out a plan by saying what she is expected to do and what you too can offer. I think there is also an aspect of invasion of her space too so what could you pre arrange" that she could pack away her things. Is there a den to house away her things which you too will respect and not invade? Working out boundaries is key but the outcome and decision is worked through by you and she HAS to discuss and work at the eventual outcome of the exchange student coming. If all really fails and your dd is not yet mature enough to handle hosting a guest then it's a different decision you make based on that circumstance. But it shouldn't be because you bow to her tantrum fit because more things will come!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I teach HS. The biggest thing I've learned about teenagers in this role is that they think ENTIRELY about themselves, no matter how sweet / wonderful / smart / lovely they otherwise are. Sounds like this girl is concerned about

-her social life
-her academic life
-sharing her stuff
-sharing her house
-sharing her family

It's only a week. She needs a little perspective. She needs to be reminded that there has to be give and take in life. Teenagers do a lot of taking. Time for a little giving. And she needs to know up front that she needs to be gracious about it, lest she embarrass her mother.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

OP - I was waiting for a 19:16 to opine. Thats why I put it up - Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I don't think the dd is being a spoiled brat. I'm not a fan of having house guests as an adult so I get it. As others have stated, should have talked to her about it. Since you already set it up, I wouldn't cancel though.

[Anonymous]

It's a week. She'll live. If it were a semester or something it would be a bigger issue.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I agree with those who said you should have discussed this with your daughter first -- the specifics, not your intentions a year ago. Excluding her sends a terrible message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I teach HS. The biggest thing I've learned about teenagers in this role is that they think ENTIRELY about themselves, no matter how sweet / wonderful / smart / lovely they otherwise are. Sounds like this girl is concerned about

-her social life
-her academic life
-sharing her stuff
-sharing her house
-sharing her family

It's only a week. She needs a little perspective. She needs to be reminded that there has to be give and take in life. Teenagers do a lot of taking. Time for a little giving. And she needs to know up front that she needs to be gracious about it, lest she embarrass her mother.

Well said.

+1

And, no I didn't have a perfect family, nor I was super popular- this is how you learn those lessons, as a teen, so you aren't lost totally as an adult. Learning to live with being "mortified" and/or learning that its not all about you is important, so is learning perspective about what is a big deal and what is "a big deal at the time"- its going through this stuff that will help them to learn it. If they don't, well, we've all been around those stunted adults. Most aren't so enjoyable.