Husband too nice

[Anonymous]

No one is bullying you. We are trying to get you to explain what you're talking about because we don't understand w/ examples. You repeatedly ignore requests for examples and ramble on incoherently. Thinking you are annoying does not equate to bullying.

[Anonymous]

Without, rather.

[Anonymous]

OP DH is either extremely lonely or having a slight mental problem, or going through so much stress that he is compensating. Something is wrong. Counseling now!

[Anonymous]

OP - my dad is like this. He will comment on a stranger's shirt or baseball cap while we're waiting to be seated at a restaurant. We'll all be seated and drinks will arrive and he's still in the lobby chatting. He has no sense that the other person is just being polite or that we're waiting for him. Any time my parents come to DC (the big city) I have to give them a lecture about not speaking to strangers. My dad, early 60s, will talk to any telemarketer or old men from church that call about his volunteer stuff. He won't talk to my mom for more than 5 min, but will stay on the phone for over an hour. He gives money to people with sob stories, buys any fundraising thing that comes to the door and over tips in restaurants - think 30% on a normal meal instead of 20-25%. He is very naive and thinks everyone is always telling the truth.

There is nothing wrong with it, except that some times it is embarrassing and annoying. His mother, my grandmother, was like this and it got worse and worse as she got older. We had to take her checkbook away because she kept paying to enter sweepstakes (some sort of scam?) and buying things over the phone.

The only difference is that my dad has ALWAYS been like this. If this is new for your husband, he needs a physical ASAP. It could be a medication he's taking or a brain aneurism or something.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, PPs! I really appreciate your input. I recently found out he made an enormous contribution (tens of thousands, don't know the time frame, but it doesn't really matter!) to his alma mater.

We definitely don't have that kind of money lying around! I am trying to figure out if the transaction was initiated by mail or by phone (I suspect by phone, but I need to find out for sure). I know documents are signed.

Which means he will probably get on multiple other lists for donation purposes. Again, we do not have this kind of money lying around. We were invited to a dinner at an alumnus house (I did not know what for, he has lots of business meetings at peoples houses), for his fraternity (separate from the school donation), and I suspect that we are on the hook with them, somehow, too.

These are some of the examples I know about, that just happened to come up in conversation. The ones he remembered to tell me about?

So for those who were so critical and nasty, just be glad you are not going through this. It is no fun and it is dangerous, as that is only one example.

It is really, really hard to talk about it, as anyone can imagine. Again, be glad it is not you...yet.

I have tried contacting people to tell them about it, to get help. I don't know who else to ask. It really does sound like I am the crazy one, but he is getting worse. WTH do I do? Who is qualified to talk some sense into him? He has tried therapists, but he is quite "charming" (why he gets stuck on the phone with strangers, for example) - and gets no where in counseling. It is a complete waste of money.

I could start by taking back the financial reigns, so to speak, but it is not limited to causing financial issues. it actually snowballs into all areas. Some you could not imagine.

[Anonymous]

"Old age?" Really?
But in all seriousness, compulsive buying and donating is a sign of bipolar. Unfortunately I know what this looks like.

[Anonymous]

OP: I am so sorry. Your DH has a mental problem of some kind (or early dementia, which is worse) Call the place he made the donations and try to reverse it. Find a good psychologist/ psychiatrist right away. I have lived through this -- including the "you're the crazy one" Having a doctor on your side really, really helps with the meds, the behaviors and so on. Act now while you still have money. Many people have an increase of mental problems in their mid 40s. There are lots of medication and people who can help you. Your DH may get worse and then you will wonder why you did not act sooner. GL.

[Anonymous]

Very typical behavior in people abused as children. Have him talk to someone.

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP! [There are some real a&&holes on here. I don't know how they have so much time on their hands. Well, I guess they have no friends, so, that gives them all the time in the world to attack strangers. They need help. People come here for help and they just want to know about your personal life? Really? How sad.]

Anyway, I am concerned that meds might change him professionally - dull him? Does that make sense? That would be bad. But it is getting worse, so it looks like I should find a psychiatrist (able to prescribe meds)?

DH has always been about appearances, socially. He does anything to have people on his side. Again, he was abused by his siblings growing up. I think this is stemming from that. It sucks to be at the receiving end of whatever this is! It is really hard to come up with examples, because my only way of coping has been to block them out.

We have been unsuccessful in finding the proper therapist. Any recommendations? I know there is a phrase for what is he is doing, I just don't know the professional jargon for it. It's almost like he is trying to show off - "look how great I am, I am on your side!" or "look how great I am, I am giving you all this money!". It used to be he would throw me under the bus, which became tiresome - and that behavior adds up, too! Now he has moved onto this.

It seems like it is a game to him. Is it against me? Am I his target of some sort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP! [There are some real a&&holes on here. I don't know how they have so much time on their hands. Well, I guess they have no friends, so, that gives them all the time in the world to attack strangers. They need help. People come here for help and they just want to know about your personal life? Really? How sad.]

Anyway, I am concerned that meds might change him professionally - dull him? Does that make sense? That would be bad. But it is getting worse, so it looks like I should find a psychiatrist (able to prescribe meds)?

DH has always been about appearances, socially. He does anything to have people on his side. Again, he was abused by his siblings growing up. I think this is stemming from that. It sucks to be at the receiving end of whatever this is! It is really hard to come up with examples, because my only way of coping has been to block them out.

We have been unsuccessful in finding the proper therapist. Any recommendations? I know there is a phrase for what is he is doing, I just don't know the professional jargon for it. It's almost like he is trying to show off - "look how great I am, I am on your side!" or "look how great I am, I am giving you all this money!". It used to be he would throw me under the bus, which became tiresome - and that behavior adds up, too! Now he has moved onto this.

It seems like it is a game to him. Is it against me? Am I his target of some sort?

Please do not worry about meds making him "duller" There are 6 million Americans taking meds and doing just fine. But you need a pro to help you figure it all out. Try not to take each remark personally -- look at the overall picture. Meds can work wonders for people and let them live a normal life. (Which you wont be living if he gives away all of your assets)

[Anonymous]

This entire thread is bizarre. OP accusing people of being assholes and nasty, but all I see is people asking for examples. OP, you have to admit that your inittial posts were very vague and open ended. I did not weigh in because I had no idea what he was doing and I did not want to give inappropriate advice.

[Anonymous]

You think he's doing it as some sort of personal attack?

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is a game or an attack or anything of the sort.

It sounds like it has always been part of him, likely an adaptation to the dysfunction in his earlier years. He sounds like he feels rewarded by making people happy, and he feels good about himself when he feels he has been charitable. I don't know how much of it is for others and how much of it is for himself. As he has gotten older it may be that money matters less and less to him (in terms of amassing it) and he feels it should be shared. It could be a cognitive problem and he isn't fully aware of the consequences of his choices (dementia, mania, delusions, etc...) or it could be he is very intentional in what he is doing.

When you say you can't afford it - can you really not afford it or does he just have a different definition of what you can afford? Have there been negative repercussions on your lives from this spending - you can't pay bills? vacation fund is depleted? What can't you afford because of this?

The biggest problem may be that you are far apart in how you feel money should be spent and that he is spending it without consulting you and deciding together.

Does he struggle socially in general? You are saying his social boundaries are off - he doesn't 'get' cues that people don't want to talk to him, or that he is intruding on other people's conversations. is this an issue work wise and in all areas of his life? Does he struggle socially in general or is he just a really friendly guy that people actually respond well to?

I ask because I grew up with parents who always gave any money they had away, as long as the necessities were met. It was part of their faith and general life philosophy and was a wonderful part of our lives. It meant we were always 'poor' in terms of 'stuff' but we had a fantastic life.

And I have a friend who makes friends everywhere he goes. In a restaurant, on the bus, at a store....he is very charismatic and people are drawn to him and he is very inclusive and welcoming and pretty much makes new friends every day from random strangers he meets. It is his personality and people respond well to him - not a boundary or social skill issue at all.

[Anonymous]

What if it is the wife's money he is spending?

[Anonymous]

This sounds pretty serious--he's spent thousands of dollars already.

OP has asked for referrals--I don't have any; we're new here. Can anyone with any experience in this give her a referral?