Husband still not working. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

This is Op- I would put my child in full time daycare if we had some additional money. Right now he watches dc 3 days a week and dc goes to daycare 2 days a week. Like pp his excuse is he doesn't have enough time to either build a business or find a job. No way in hell am I paying for more daycare when he can't contribute financially.
I also feel like he is being enabled by his family. They have given him/us money to help with certain things and I feel like he is falling back on this bc he knows they will help out. I'm seriously considering asking them to stop offering money. Until that happens I think he just assumes he can always go to them if need be. It's embarrassing to me that a grown man thinks it's ok to constantly go running back to mommy and daddy for help.
I'm just so pissed off right now I could scream. Maybe I should try to get us to a counselor. Would a decent counselor actually call him out on this? I look at all my friends and family and think why am I in this situation? I feel so alone and embarrassed that I'm married to this person. He is a good dad but I'm sorry, he is a lousy provider and I can't get past that it have any respect for him.

[Anonymous]

This was me. For 11 years, minus the part where he contributed to chid-care. I finally divorced him. Shld have have done so eight yrs earlier.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. There are a lot of very taxing situations that a family can find themselves in, and this is definitely one of them.

When talking with your husband about this, I wouldn't use "you are a leech and I am embarrassed by you" even if that is true. I would focus on the degree to which your family is struggling financially in ways that can't be fixed by his family giving a swift infusion of cash. I think it's GREAT that he has family who is able to help when you need help. Many people do not have that ace in the hole.

That said, I think that your attitude that he must provide for you financially or else you cannot respect him is a complete crock of shit. Your husband is trying to grow a business. He is caring for your child. You say that he needs to contribute? He IS contributing, the same way stay at home parents with part time jobs contribute to the family. I think your attitude is sexist and materialistic and I can't say I blame your husband for responding to you in an angry way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. There are a lot of very taxing situations that a family can find themselves in, and this is definitely one of them.

When talking with your husband about this, I wouldn't use "you are a leech and I am embarrassed by you" even if that is true. I would focus on the degree to which your family is struggling financially in ways that can't be fixed by his family giving a swift infusion of cash. I think it's GREAT that he has family who is able to help when you need help. Many people do not have that ace in the hole.

That said, I think that your attitude that he must provide for you financially or else you cannot respect him is a complete crock of shit. Your husband is trying to grow a business. He is caring for your child. You say that he needs to contribute? He IS contributing, the same way stay at home parents with part time jobs contribute to the family. I think your attitude is sexist and materialistic and I can't say I blame your husband for responding to you in an angry way.

Staying at home is something that should be agreed upon by both parties. He needs to take her feelings into consideration. There is a lot of pressure associated with being the only person bringing in money into a household.

He is not contributing in the way that they agreed upon and is taking advantage of his family especially if they are strapped for cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. There are a lot of very taxing situations that a family can find themselves in, and this is definitely one of them.

When talking with your husband about this, I wouldn't use "you are a leech and I am embarrassed by you" even if that is true. I would focus on the degree to which your family is struggling financially in ways that can't be fixed by his family giving a swift infusion of cash. I think it's GREAT that he has family who is able to help when you need help. Many people do not have that ace in the hole.

That said, I think that your attitude that he must provide for you financially or else you cannot respect him is a complete crock of shit. Your husband is trying to grow a business. He is caring for your child. You say that he needs to contribute? He IS contributing, the same way stay at home parents with part time jobs contribute to the family. I think your attitude is sexist and materialistic and I can't say I blame your husband for responding to you in an angry way.

Staying at home is something that should be agreed upon by both parties. He needs to take her feelings into consideration. There is a lot of pressure associated with being the only person bringing in money into a household.

He is not contributing in the way that they agreed upon and is taking advantage of his family especially if they are strapped for cash.

PP here. Yeah, I get that. I agree that it should be agreed by both people. I just find OP's attitude of "he was supposed to provide for me and he doesn't and now I'm embarrassed by him and don't respect or love him because he is not a good provider" to be sexist. Because that's what her attitude is. He's a lazy man who is failing in what she believes to be his primary duty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in this exact same predicament with my DW. She is going on multiple years unemployment now, and I really think that she will never - and probably does not want - to find a job. When we married I never expected that she would not work. I supported her through grad school, paid for nannies while she studied and then started out on her career. However, after she left her last job that she had for 5 years, I have seen her engage in self sabotaging behavior that only makes it harder for her to get a job. I also think she uses being the SAHM as an excuse as to why she has no "time" to look for a job. I have posted on these boards before and been pilloried by the female class for being a "dick" and not being compassionate towards my DW. The hypocrisy on these boards is incredible. I feel for you OP. It sucks when you expect your SO to contribute financially to the family and they can't or they won't.

You supported your wife thru grad school and now she won't get a job? Does she also have school loans to pay back?
I am a woman and would be pissed off too.

A woman stays at home and doesn't earn for a decade, we have to be "supportive" - but a man does it and is called a bum and a scrounger.
Too many women (and men) getting used to the high life on someone else's dime.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Maybe I am sexist. I'm a traditional person. I expect a man to be able to provide. I provide too. I don't expect to stay home. If he's unemployed for 1 year, fine, but 3+ years and no end in sight?? Yes, I am embarrassed. I do not know ANYONE who's husband has been out of work for 3+ years, and hasn't tried to find some kind of job.

I think he is depressed and this is contributing to it, but I also think he refuses to put his pride aside and just get ANY job to help contribute financially. He has his head in the sand and thinks everything will magically get better. I on the other hand have my eyes wide open and I know where we are financially. He doesn't even bother to ask. Maybe so he can still pretend everything is OK.

I cannot handle it alone, and I personally think he is trying to "build a business" so that he doesn't have to take a lower level job. its his excuse to not look. This business of his is not making any money and I don't see it happening ever. So yes I am pissed off and I am mentally breaking down. He does not communicate with me and closes down completely. Any time I try to talk about all of this shit, he just blows up at me like its world war III. Like I have no right to ask.

I feel completely alone in all of this. He refuses to talk to me, or think about trying something else, and just goes off to his room and looks at his iPhone all night. Its all so fucking depressing I can barely come up for air.

Its no way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Maybe I am sexist. I'm a traditional person. I expect a man to be able to provide. I provide too. I don't expect to stay home. If he's unemployed for 1 year, fine, but 3+ years and no end in sight?? Yes, I am embarrassed. I do not know ANYONE who's husband has been out of work for 3+ years, and hasn't tried to find some kind of job.

I think he is depressed and this is contributing to it, but I also think he refuses to put his pride aside and just get ANY job to help contribute financially. He has his head in the sand and thinks everything will magically get better. I on the other hand have my eyes wide open and I know where we are financially. He doesn't even bother to ask. Maybe so he can still pretend everything is OK.

I cannot handle it alone, and I personally think he is trying to "build a business" so that he doesn't have to take a lower level job. its his excuse to not look. This business of his is not making any money and I don't see it happening ever. So yes I am pissed off and I am mentally breaking down. He does not communicate with me and closes down completely. Any time I try to talk about all of this shit, he just blows up at me like its world war III. Like I have no right to ask.

I feel completely alone in all of this. He refuses to talk to me, or think about trying something else, and just goes off to his room and looks at his iPhone all night. Its all so fucking depressing I can barely come up for air.

Its no way to live.

OP, I'm the one who called you a sexist and honestly, I stand by that. But like the other PPs have mentioned, this is a decision that should be made together, as a couple. I understand your frustration that he has not found a job in 3 years. But it sounds like he considers this "business" of his (which you have not described - is he trying to break into real estate? is he making cupcakes? what is it?) to be a job that he's found. Whether that's right or wrong is not up to me. It's also not totally up to you. But it should be a discussion that you are included in. To have that conversation with your husband, I would strongly advise that you move away from language of obligation ("I expect a man to be able to provide" for example is very different then "We are struggling financially and I feel like I am in this alone" - which of those things would YOU be more likely to want to discuss rationally?)

It does sound like he is depressed, though given the way you've talked about him on this thread, I'm not totally surprised that he blows up when you ask questions about this. You're coming off as entitled and judgmental and entirely dismissive of his wants and needs in this situation. You clearly need a break and some relief from being the person in charge of managing the family, and your husband should be stepping up to do that - not because it's his job as a man to provide for his family, but because you, his wife, are exhausted and need a break.

[Anonymous]

Why are people trying to turn this into a gender thing? It's what every couple decides for themselves. That's a pretty major thing for any spouse to do - to unilaterally decide they aren't going to contribute financially to the household. It's BS for any spouse to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is Op- I would put my child in full time daycare if we had some additional money. Right now he watches dc 3 days a week and dc goes to daycare 2 days a week. Like pp his excuse is he doesn't have enough time to either build a business or find a job. No way in hell am I paying for more daycare when he can't contribute financially.
I also feel like he is being enabled by his family. They have given him/us money to help with certain things and I feel like he is falling back on this bc he knows they will help out. I'm seriously considering asking them to stop offering money. Until that happens I think he just assumes he can always go to them if need be. It's embarrassing to me that a grown man thinks it's ok to constantly go running back to mommy and daddy for help.
I'm just so pissed off right now I could scream. Maybe I should try to get us to a counselor. Would a decent counselor actually call him out on this? I look at all my friends and family and think why am I in this situation? I feel so alone and embarrassed that I'm married to this person. He is a good dad but I'm sorry, he is a lousy provider and I can't get past that it have any respect for him.

Sorry if I missed this OP, but how old is your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are people trying to turn this into a gender thing? It's what every couple decides for themselves. That's a pretty major thing for any spouse to do - to unilaterally decide they aren't going to contribute financially to the household. It's BS for any spouse to do that.

Because the OP has flat out said that the degree to which she loves and respects her husband is tied to his ability to provide financially for her. I suspect that her opinion would be the same even if they were not struggling financially. She thinks that's the job of men and is pissed that she's stuck playing the "man's role" in her marriage. That's DIRECTLY related to gender.

As for unilaterally deciding, OP doesn't mention how her husband came to be unemployed. Did he get fired, OP? If so, it sounds like doing housework and a lot of childcare is actually contributing - just not by the OP's definition. If he can't bring in money, she doesn't love him.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP, I feel for you. I am in a similar boat and am very close to divorcing my husband. He quit his well-paying professional job when our twins were born 5.5 years ago saying he could get an even better job, which never happened. He does look, and has had a few periods of under-employment thrown into the not-working periods since then. And he did go back to school. All that might not push me over the edge, except that he WILL NOT STOP SPENDING. Since he quit his job, he has taken out $60K in student loans to get another master's, which didn't get him a job. He has charged almost $20K on credit cards, mostly for random stuff like coffee, books, beers, etc. We owe $16K to the IRS for back taxes on the separation money he got from the job he quit, but spent the money instead of saving it for taxes. I feel like I am on a runaway train of debt with no end in sight. I've tried talking, budgeting, putting him on an allowance, yelling, crying, sending his resume to everyone I know, but nothing changes. He says he can't do well in interviews and has to spend money as an outlet because I am unsupportive and anxious about money. I have lost all respect and love for him. But I'm afraid to leave because I will be responsible for half of the debt and I can't pay it. Of course, I can't pay it now either. My poor kids. What to do?

[Anonymous]

DC is 3. I can see how I am coming off as judgmental and what not from the way I am writing, but I'm coming here to vent and this is not how I talk to him.

I don't think supporting your husband for 3 years and standing by waiting for his business to make money is being "dismissive of his wants and needs". I've given him 3 years. This cannot go on and on and on. I think its reasonable that he should go in another direction and just find some kind of paying job.

What you don't understand is that I have tried many many times to approach him calmly and with understanding, and he just never can have any kind of conversation with me about anything without blowing up. I don't deserve to be yelled at or have to walk on egg shells every day of my life. He is making DC cry and get upset every time he does this. I have said I do not want to live in a life like this or have DC grow up in a house where there is always yelling. He apologizes, but nothing ever changes.

He literally gets into a rage mode where he is about to start throwing things (has done this), and is scaring the shit out of me and my son. Sometimes I wonder if it will escalate into something worse.

The more I think about this and type it out the worse I feel. I guess I can say that we need to go to counseling, and if he refuses then we'll have to separate.

But that is a whole other issue. He has made threats about how he would get DC, and I would not. That I should starting calling lawyers etc. I mean, WTF. I have never threatened to leave with our kid, or threatened divorce.

I'm starting to think maybe I should talk to a lawyer. I have no idea what is going through his head. The last thing I need is for him to try to take my child away from me. I mean seriously, do I need to go and file for custody before he goes and does something insane?

[Anonymous]

I would not stay with a man that screams or throws things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC is 3. I can see how I am coming off as judgmental and what not from the way I am writing, but I'm coming here to vent and this is not how I talk to him.

I don't think supporting your husband for 3 years and standing by waiting for his business to make money is being "dismissive of his wants and needs". I've given him 3 years. This cannot go on and on and on. I think its reasonable that he should go in another direction and just find some kind of paying job.

What you don't understand is that I have tried many many times to approach him calmly and with understanding, and he just never can have any kind of conversation with me about anything without blowing up. I don't deserve to be yelled at or have to walk on egg shells every day of my life. He is making DC cry and get upset every time he does this. I have said I do not want to live in a life like this or have DC grow up in a house where there is always yelling. He apologizes, but nothing ever changes.

He literally gets into a rage mode where he is about to start throwing things (has done this), and is scaring the shit out of me and my son. Sometimes I wonder if it will escalate into something worse.

The more I think about this and type it out the worse I feel. I guess I can say that we need to go to counseling, and if he refuses then we'll have to separate.

But that is a whole other issue. He has made threats about how he would get DC, and I would not. That I should starting calling lawyers etc. I mean, WTF. I have never threatened to leave with our kid, or threatened divorce.

I'm starting to think maybe I should talk to a lawyer. I have no idea what is going through his head. The last thing I need is for him to try to take my child away from me. I mean seriously, do I need to go and file for custody before he goes and does something insane?

OP, frankly, your situation sounds like it's a lot more complicated than who has a job and who doesn't. You are afraid of your husband's anger. Your child is upset. Your husband uses your child to threaten you. This is not about a job. This is about a pattern of manipulation and abuse. I still think you should reexamine your attitudes about money and gender roles, but at this point, you are married to a man who has not worked in your child's entire life. He does a few days a week of childcare, but would not be able to support a household on his own. A judge is NOT going to give him sole custody unless there is something else going on that you are not telling us.

Counseling. Definitely for you, and ideally for you as a couple. If he is unwilling to go to counseling, separation. He can move in with him parents, since they're so supportive. If he values his family, he will figure out a way to make things right. He just is unaware (willfully or not) of how close he is to losing his family.