Husband still not working. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your situation OP. Please ignore the haters on this thread. Many of these people do not fully read the thread and do not realize how severe your situation is. I am sorry you lost your home and that your husband refuses to get a job. You deserve a spouse who contributes according to your family's needs. I'm glad your DH has agreed to go to counseling. Have you considered calling his parents and discussing the situation with them. You might find that they are your best allies in this situation. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Strangely, I'm sympathetic to the OP's situation, but not to the OP. The facts are compelling, but the tone of her posts is odd. It all sounds like "this isn't what I signed up for, so now I want a refund."

I think she will leave her husband, or he'll file for divorce, the husband will get primary custody, and she'll end up ordered to pay alimony and child support. Amazing what happens when the laws are gender-neutral.

Um no - I never said I want a refund. I just want my husband to get his head out of the clouds and come down to reality and be part of the team. So easy for people to make comments like yours when they are not in the same situation. Tell me
how happy and understanding you'd feel if you were me? Really, go back and read what's going on here. I'm pissed. Don't I have a right to be pissed? I came here to vent - sorry you don't like my "tone".

How do you think I feel when my family, friends or anyone asks me - hey has your husband found a job yet? How's his business going? They all look at me like I'm a pathetic little kitten. I'm the fucking sob story that everyone gets to talk about when they get together for drinks. I'm so goddamn embarrassed that I don't' even want to talk or go out with my friends anymore. Because you know why? All they do is talk about all the new furniture they bought, what outfit they should wear, where they went on vacation or where they went out to eat. Just bullshit materialistic crap. And then they look at me and don't know what to say. I wish my biggest problem was deciding what I'm going to wear tomorrow, or where our next vacation will be.

So not only do I have to worry everyday about money, where we are going to live, how we can feed our family and survive, but I also have to live with the shame of where my life is right now. Yes, I am ashamed. And anyone else who berates me for feeling this way has never walked a day in my shoes.

Not PP, but I have walked in your shoes and am walking in them. My DH lost his job a little over five years ago. Right now, he is a SAHD, but not by choice. He keeps saying he'll go back and look for a job soon. He also is going to pass the bar "soon." He has failed multiple times at this point and hasn't even bothered to study in over two years. All I hear is "when will he get a job?" and it was embarrassing to me for a long time.

Then, I did what one of the many PPs recommended, and sat down and made my choice on my own, without anyone else's input and without my husband. Here are the terms of what I can support on my pay check; here are the things I cannot support. With that lifestyle, do I love the good qualities my husband has more than the downside of living with him unemployed and everything that entails? Do I respect him as a man without a job? I decided I did and made my peace with that. If the kids are 12 and we are still here, I imagine I'll make the same analysis again. It sounds cold, but to avoid being a simmering, ashamed mess of a person who is constantly fraught with worry, I had to do it. The situation was ruining my life. To be clear, the financial worries aren't any better after doing this, but at least I'm more in an "it is what it is" zen place about the situation.

Yes, this is pretty much what I did, 100%. It's not perfect, but it is better than the alternative.

[Anonymous]

OP, is it possible that your husband is deeply depressed? In men, depression is often masked as anger. Losing his job, not being able to find another one, not succeeding in his business but clinging on to it (perhaps because he's afraid of not getting a job ,getting rejected/fired, etc)--all of this could contribute to massive, misunderstood depression that manifests on the one hand in apathy and on the other, anger. I think that for men, in particular, loss of professional identity/employment/workplace status can be devastating. It might explain his extreme anger around the topic.

Im sorry you are experiencing such stress. But I don't think the answer is simply just "apply for a job"--unfortunately it seems to have some deeper emotional roots. Hopefully in counseling to address not just the unemployment but, more worryingly, the anger and tension, you and he will be able to work through some of this for the sake of your child.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar position. DH not working although trying to. I don't earn enough to support the family, and life is stressful. We're eating through savings that have taken years to build. I also feel ashamed although I didn't do anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

I get that he's holding out for the type of professional job he had before or for his business to take off, but have you discussed the idea of a "survival job"? Does he outright say no? You can make it clear that you don't expect him to do it forever, but just to make a little extra cash in the near term. It may be late but he could likely pick up shifts in retail for the holiday season -- and usually they need people who want to work nights so there wouldn't be added childcare costs. And frankly those jobs end by like Jan -- so it would be 6 weeks of him doing it. If you brought this up, would he directly say no? Would he say he shouldn't have to? What are his parents like -- if you spoke to them would they support your view or would they say that their son should not settle and just offer up some money to bridge the gap?