Husband still not working. What would you do?
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Anonymous
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I don't know how to approach my husband anymore about him not finding a job. He has been out of work for 3 years. It's evident that he will never find something remotely close to what his last job was paying. He needs to swallow his pride and just apply for a lower level job. However he somehow thinks the "business" that he's been trying to grow will somehow start making money. I am the breadwinner. I am the only one making money here and paying all if the bills. We will never get out of debt or be able to buy a house or live a remotely decent life if he doesn't start contributing. I am baffled that he will not do whatever it takes to provide for his family. I did not think I married someone who would just leech of me and have unrealistic hopes about finding another job that would pay the same as his old one.
I am resentful and feel like I don't even liove him anymore. Kicking him out won't help me in any way. All it will do is make me have to pay even more money for child care and rent. Howver I'm starting to feel like if he doesn't have some kind if ultimatum - them nothing will ever change. What the hell do I do? I feel like I married someone who has no motivation or goals. It's depressing. He will not face reality and just thinks something will magically appear. It's been 3 years. He helps around the house and with our child. But that is not enough. We need money. I don't know what to do. I am tired of living with such uncertainty. Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do? What would you do if you were me? We have gotten in huge fights about this and he has threatens that our child will be with him and he will have custody. How is that possible? He doesn't make any money so how the hell would he even be able to support our child? What if he took him out of state to his parents? Is that kidnapping? |
Anonymous
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Has he been screened for depression?
Would a couple of sessions with a life coach help him get his priorities and next steps sorted out? |
Anonymous
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He would very possibly get custody because he has been the stay-at-home-parent and therefore the courts would see him as the nurturing parent. He would support the child with the child support that you would have to pay him. However, the judge would probably make it clear that BOTH parents should be contributing and order him to get a job, unless your DC is still preschool aged.
My guess is that your DH is depressed by the fact that he has been unable to find a job similar to the one he used to have. He probably feels worthless and unmanly. Would he agree to go to counseling and/or taking anti-depressants to see if that helps? Another option is him getting a part-time job. It might help him build back up his confidence, and any income from him is better than none. But it would still allow him to continue to build his "business". Does this "business" of his bring in any $$ at all? Even if it doesn't, something that allows him to contribute while not letting go of that dream might be very good for him mentally. |
Anonymous
Great comments/advice here. Long-term unemployment is rough. |
Anonymous
| OP I am you except that this has been going on for 7 years. DH has a so-called business that doesn't make any money. He does suffer fri depression and ADHD, but in my mind that's not an excuse for making no money in 7 years. I actually make a very good salary so we are able to afford a nice home, daycare, stuff for the kids, etc. I've kind of give up on him ever getting a job and making money. I really don't know what else to do. |
Anonymous
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I dated a guy like this for almost 4 years. The first 2 were fine until he lost his job. And for 2 years he was unemployed, he never made an effort to find another one. After 2 years I left him. I tried to find him jobs myself, looked online but he had no motivation.
I feel for you op. I dodged a bullet my not marrying him or getting pregnant. |
Anonymous
This is not true in the District of Columbia. There's presumptive joint custody. Please don't give legal advice when you don't know what you're talking about. |
Anonymous
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hmm looks like there are 2 options.
Divorce him but then you have to pay him whatever support the court ordered. Suck it up and let him leech. At least he's saving you childcare cost and doing chores. You married him. Bad decision has consequences. |
Anonymous
Yeah, there is presumptive joint custody everywhere. |
Anonymous
| Mr. Mom Syndrome. |
Anonymous
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This happened with my DH, and it took him about 3 years to find a new job. It was hard on me but it was soul crushing for him.
Good luck, OP. You never know when the big break could come. |
Anonymous
| OP, how old is your child? |
Anonymous
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I agree with PPs that you guys need counseling, and maybe he's got depression or something…
but can you sit with him and make a timeline like, "Honey, our current situation is not sustainable in the long term and it's exhausting me. Can we agree to this? Let's try having your business go for 6 more months. Give it your best shot. If it doesn't make at least X amount of money by (date), can we agree that we need to have you then get a job, even if it's lower status or pay then the one you had before?" |
Anonymous
| Get a boyfriend. |
Anonymous
| My spouse stopped working outside the home when we had our first child. She... oh never mind. |