SIL and family want to "vacation" at our house next summer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree to suck it up. It is just a week and this is what you do for family,

Why do WOMEN always have to suck it up for the man's family?

Becuase it is your DH's family and you willingly married into it.

Seems to me that if you love your DH, you would be willing to tolerate his family to an extent. I think sometimes that SOME DW's do not realize the stress that they put on their DH's in this regard. Demanding that someone always choose his spouse's convenience over "doing the right thing" by his family is unfair. This is the main reason DILs and MIL's don't get along. It isabout ego and control.

Think about how you will feel when your DC gets married. Will you want your DC in law to think you are such a burden?

With regards to OP, I would have no problem with my DH's sibling staying with us for a few days. DC is not a city where OP would be 100% responsible for entertaining them or even feeding them. Some time in the evening and some meals is probably most of it.

To an extent =/= a full on WEEK.

[Anonymous]

My BIL's family does this to us. And they are so odd about it. They do not even call and ask if we can host their family for a solid week - they tell my FIL they are planning a trip. He is expected to tell us. And we are expected to house and entertain them while they are in town. I find it very annoying. I personally tell them they can stay, but also advise that we will likely not be able to spend a week entertaining them. Finding entertainment while they are in town is on them.

[Anonymous]

Just plan your summer as you would. If they come a week you booked camp for your DD, that is fine. They can go to DC by themselves. You'll have dinner for them and time at night. This is really more about planners and non-planners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is quite a long distance to travel from Michigan to DC just for a weekend. I'm in the suck it up camp. Over the years I've gone out of my way a lot for my in laws even when I did t want to or didn't have the time and energy. I've never regretted it. I want my kids to do the same for each other when they are adults.

It's a two-hour plane ride!

[Anonymous]

I think it's great that they want to come visit and have opened up the dialog so planning can be done. I (myself) would welcome a visit with extended family. Try to be positive. Set your boundaries and GET YOUR HUSBAND involved.

[Anonymous]

I think you suck it up--with caveats. First, until they tell you when they are coming, you plan your summer as you normally would, and you don't change things if they announce when they are coming without consulting you first. If you've booked the beach house, too bad. If you've signed your daughter up for a camp, too bad. If you've promised to work during the day, too bad.

Second, you do not have to entertain them while they are here. It's DC, for God's sake. Give them a guidebook and a Metro map and let them entertain themselves.

Third, your husband helps plan, prepare, and entertain. If he doesn't, then he can't complain about what you do.

In other words, be a gracious host, but don't be a doormat. Don't make trouble where it doesn't exist yet, but don't feel that you have to bend yourself into a pretzel or slave away for them.

I totally agree. If they don't like to spend much time with you when you're visiting your MIL, why would they spend much time with you when they're in DC? I get along well with my family but rarely get to spend time with them when they visit here. I get them the bus schedules, let them know when I leave for/from work and offer to drop them off at the metro at those times. I let them know what days I'll be making dinner and let them know what they can make for themselves from the fridge. The expectation should be they accommodate your schedule, not you catering to theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am different, but I would never dream of telling my DH's siblings or parents that they are not welcome in my house. I just was not raised that way. Growing up, when family came to town, it was expected that they would stay with us and we expected some inconvenience. We do have a SN child so I understand that part of it. In this case, I would allow them to stay if they want but I would make it plain that I am not their tour guide for the week.

(sigh) I constantly have this issue with my DH. We were raised with different expectations. That doesn't make one of us wrong but it does mean that you should discuss and agree upon what you will do. Just because you can't 'dream of telling" your DH's family they couldn't stay doesn't mean others couldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm floored. Good grief, just let them stay and be gracious to the extent it's possible.
Though you probably already blew it by letting them know they're not welcome. Perhaps you could have offered the place while you are away? (I'm guessing they don't especially enjoy being with you either) Or, for the week they come, there could be a three day weekend that you and your family go away for three days or something? But I think you'd have been better off sucking it up. Suggesting a camp for their son, maybe. Or just arranging to be working out of the house during the day so your time home is really limited. Eat meals out, or work out a shared cooking schedule.

You clearly have no idea what it's like to have an in-law like this. I do. And I can sympathize with OP completely on every issue, including the DH who hesitates to get involved because he hates conflict with his sister. (Let me guess: it's his YOUNGER sister, right?)

OP, I've been married for 12 years and I can say is, I wish I had nipped this in the bud earlier. People like this do not understand or respect boundaries, and being "nice" in the traditional way will get YOU trampled on. The PPs who have said to make this your husband's problem too, are correct. I would inform him now that if they are coming and staying for a week, then he will need to take vacation for the ENTIRE WEEK and plan to entertain them EVERY DAY. He CANNOT run off to the office and hide, which believe me, is what many DHs will try to do in this situation. (And who can blame him? The dirty truth that he cannot admit is that he doesn't really like his sister either!)


Stand your ground. I wish you luck with this, and please keep us posted. I need to hear encouragement on this issue too. I surrendered Thanksgiving to a similar relative in my DH's family years ago, and I have dreaded it ever since!

[Anonymous]

Not op, but pp, why are you guessing it is a younger sister? I don't have brothers but in my observation within my own family, sisters in law how are older siblings are more of a pita because they are bossy and expect to be in charge.

A week is a long time. If they are loaded, maybe suggest they do a one or two night weeknight stint to Annapolis or Charlottesville or st michaels so you get a break? I do thin when I visit friends in Europe. I fly to their city for a week but do a tues through thurs trip elsewhere to get out of their hair for a couple nights.

[Anonymous]

If OP's husband takes the week off, then he's using up precious vacation days that OP may like to spend with him and their daughter by themselves.

OP, I am a "just let them come" PP. But if your daughter's autism is severe, and you genuinely think it would be a significant problem FOR HER, then that changes things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree to suck it up. It is just a week and this is what you do for family,

Why do WOMEN always have to suck it up for the man's family?

I am genuinely straining to think of any of our couple friends who spend more time with DH's side of the family than DW's side of the family. I've been able to think of one, because his family is local and hers are in FL.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sure your SIL is a pain in the ass, and I'm not doubting you. But isn't it also possible they want to stay with you because your SIL feels compelled to make sure that her family has a relationship with yours? I'm not sure how you know the MIL put her up to this. It seems totally possible that, although she's otherwise an indifferent-seeming person, she wants her child to know your child. And if they really hated being around you and are loaded, why wouldn't they just get their own hotel? I don't see how you are using the fact that she wants to stay with you over a hotel as evidence of her deviousness.

I'm not saying the whole thing will be pleasant and painless, but I bet it will be a lot more pleasant if you give your SIL the benefit of the doubt.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thinks this isn't that big of a deal. You don't have to be the tour guide for a week. Give them a set of keys, maybe offer to buy them a smart trip card, suggest they look at some of the DC blogs on kids activities, offer to meet up for dinner a few nights and there you go. I mean, it's a week, they are family. You sound super rude.

[Anonymous]

You say your child is okay with friends and your family. Have they stayed with you for multiple days? If you are able to entertain some people, you are going to be hard pressed to say that you can't/won't host his family. If you don't host anyone then you can have some grounds to continue this based on your child's needs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am different, but I would never dream of telling my DH's siblings or parents that they are not welcome in my house. I just was not raised that way. Growing up, when family came to town, it was expected that they would stay with us and we expected some inconvenience. We do have a SN child so I understand that part of it. In this case, I would allow them to stay if they want but I would make it plain that I am not their tour guide for the week.

(sigh) I constantly have this issue with my DH. We were raised with different expectations. That doesn't make one of us wrong but it does mean that you should discuss and agree upon what you will do. Just because you can't 'dream of telling" your DH's family they couldn't stay doesn't mean others couldn't.

+ 1 - I wasn't raised with many house guests and we rarely stayed in someone's home so it's not the norm for everyone. And whether you are for or against house guests, I think most people can agree that it's polite to ask if and when you can visit rather than simply announcing it (especially via another family member). OP, you're allowed to not like this. If your husband wants to say yes, he needs to help plan and entertain. And your SIL needs to ask rather than announce!