Newly Married, Separate Finances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have joint finances and I don`t ask permission. I doubt that is how many people work. We just see it as our money instead of as your money and my money. Some people (not all) that have joint finances also still each have little separate accounts for fun money / gifts.

I think Op the fact you are doing this arrangement to keep a certain aspect of your finances hidden is a problem. I think separate accounts can work but not when one person has a part of their life they aren't comfortable with the other person knowing about.

If people making a big deal about having joint finances also "still each have little separate accounts for fun money / gifts," then that that's what I described as being yours/mine/ours, which maybe should be renamed ours/mine/yours (not OP, poster #2). Maybe it's just that we find our joint account well enough and we have enough money left over that our side accounts are bigger than most people's.

I agree, though, that if this was all really OP trying to hide some money (maybe alimony from a previous marriage?), that is trouble.

OP here. I had the same thought when others described their side accounts.

She's aware of the dollar amount and duration of the pre-marital obligation so it's not to hide it from her. However, let's say we pool everything into a joint account and if I have an issue paying that obligation down the road (sickness, loss of employment, etc.) then said obligation can go after that joint account. That's what I mean by keeping it my issue and not making her deal with it.

[Anonymous]

When you say "I do," it's time to stop keeping score.

On money. On child care. On everything.

[Anonymous]

Is this "obligation" an ex or a child? And would keeping accounts separate really prevent said "obligation" from going after your spouse's money?

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier (married 31 years, joint finances). Much of this discussion has focused on spending and how people decide how much to spend. In my opinion, saving is equally as important as spending. How much do you intend to save for your kids' college education (assuming you have kids)? How much money will you need to retire? How much of that should be in retirement accounts and how much should be outside of retirement accounts (there are tax implications for each choice). How much will you need to help your parents when they get older (financially and otherwise)? How much money do you need in emergency savings in case one of you unexpectedly cannot work (either because you lost your job or because you had a medical or other issue)?

In my experience, the saving decisions should drive the spending decisions. The amount of money you need to save helps determine how much house you can afford, what type of car you can drive, how often you replace your cars, how much money you spend on clothes, etc. You may not be able to save as much as you want in the early years of your marriage, but if that is the case it means that you need to keep your spending low.

I see finances as a partnership and these things as joint decisions based on joint income. I am curious how people who keep their income separate from their spouse's income address the issue of savings: how much you need to save, who will save it, and where it will be saved (retirement account, 529 college savings plan, bank account, mutual fund, etc.).

[Anonymous]

I think it's ok to have joint household accounts and some separate checking accounts, just because it can be tough for people to get used to coordinating everyday spending. And I wouldn't necessarily want to clear every small purchase with my spouse, or have them know what I spent on his birthday present. But I would probably figure out who got to keep what $ in their separate and then put everything else in the joint, that way you're not fighting over who has to buy the groceries, stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

21:22, I'm the PP standing up for the rights of the "separate accounts" folks.

In our house, the desire is to retire ASAP, so we have always max'ed our 401ks, and save whatever else we can individually. (When our joint checking account starts to seem overly flush, we then move some of that money into a joint savings account.)

We talk about our personal savings accounts as well, how much is in them, whether we're piling up dough (or not!), etc.

I think part of it in our case is that we both like managing money, and tracking it, and so this way we each get to. But, as I've said, all joint expenses are paid out of the joint checking account, which is used to pay the joint credit card that we use for all household purchases. It's not rocket science. We know how much our basic monthly HH expenses are, and the day after payday we both deposit our half of the agreed-upon total. Then, the rest of our paychecks are ours to do with as we wish.

And, if there are big expenses, we talk about them, add extra money if necessary to the joint account to cover them, etc. And sometimes--gasp!--one person puts the money in to cover some shortfall, and the other doesn't have to match it. Because we're in it together.

I can understand why this arrangement is problematic if incomes are vastly unequal (or singular), or if one person is a tightwad and the other spends like crazy and can't be controlled, or if monthly finances are on enough of a razor's edge that most every penny needs to be tracked. But, if you're two grownups who know how to handle money, know how to save appropriately, know how to communicate, and respect each other, it's pretty simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier (married 31 years, joint finances). Much of this discussion has focused on spending and how people decide how much to spend. In my opinion, saving is equally as important as spending. How much do you intend to save for your kids' college education (assuming you have kids)? How much money will you need to retire? How much of that should be in retirement accounts and how much should be outside of retirement accounts (there are tax implications for each choice). How much will you need to help your parents when they get older (financially and otherwise)? How much money do you need in emergency savings in case one of you unexpectedly cannot work (either because you lost your job or because you had a medical or other issue)?

In my experience, the saving decisions should drive the spending decisions. The amount of money you need to save helps determine how much house you can afford, what type of car you can drive, how often you replace your cars, how much money you spend on clothes, etc. You may not be able to save as much as you want in the early years of your marriage, but if that is the case it means that you need to keep your spending low.

I see finances as a partnership and these things as joint decisions based on joint income. I am curious how people who keep their income separate from their spouse's income address the issue of savings: how much you need to save, who will save it, and where it will be saved (retirement account, 529 college savings plan, bank account, mutual fund, etc.).

OP here. Just wanted to say thank you for this post, there's a lot of really thoughtful questions in here and honestly, regardless of whether we keep joint finances or not, we don't have any answers for many of them other than we both contribute like 12-15K each per year to our 401k and our strategy as a couple in our pre-married time was to live a modest lifestyle (we keep cars for 10 years, go out to eat at like Ruby Tuesdays level place like two or three times a month, pack lunch for work, etc.), try to save as much as possible and have no credit card or student loan debt. The budget is a whole separate issue and we've started talking about it and running specific numbers to see what will work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's ok to have joint household accounts and some separate checking accounts, just because it can be tough for people to get used to coordinating everyday spending. And I wouldn't necessarily want to clear every small purchase with my spouse, or have them know what I spent on his birthday present. But I would probably figure out who got to keep what $ in their separate and then put everything else in the joint, that way you're not fighting over who has to buy the groceries, stuff like that.

The majority of our expenses will be joint so there's no fighting over who pays for groceries since that money comes out of the joint checking account that we each contribute to. And yes, if there's a shortfall then we talk about it and one of us will cover it because we're a team. To the extent the shortfall is ongoing then it means we either need to re-examine spending habits (both joint and separate) or one of us needs to contribute more to the joint funds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:22, I'm the PP standing up for the rights of the "separate accounts" folks.

In our house, the desire is to retire ASAP, so we have always max'ed our 401ks, and save whatever else we can individually. (When our joint checking account starts to seem overly flush, we then move some of that money into a joint savings account.)

We talk about our personal savings accounts as well, how much is in them, whether we're piling up dough (or not!), etc.

I think part of it in our case is that we both like managing money, and tracking it, and so this way we each get to. But, as I've said, all joint expenses are paid out of the joint checking account, which is used to pay the joint credit card that we use for all household purchases. It's not rocket science. We know how much our basic monthly HH expenses are, and the day after payday we both deposit our half of the agreed-upon total. Then, the rest of our paychecks are ours to do with as we wish.

And, if there are big expenses, we talk about them, add extra money if necessary to the joint account to cover them, etc. And sometimes--gasp!--one person puts the money in to cover some shortfall, and the other doesn't have to match it. Because we're in it together.

I can understand why this arrangement is problematic if incomes are vastly unequal (or singular), or if one person is a tightwad and the other spends like crazy and can't be controlled, or if monthly finances are on enough of a razor's edge that most every penny needs to be tracked. But, if you're two grownups who know how to handle money, know how to save appropriately, know how to communicate, and respect each other, it's pretty simple.

This is why we have totally joint finances. My husband is a financial ignoramus and cannot be trusted, so I manage it all so I can retire one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have joint finances and I don`t ask permission. I doubt that is how many people work. We just see it as our money instead of as your money and my money. Some people (not all) that have joint finances also still each have little separate accounts for fun money / gifts.

I think Op the fact you are doing this arrangement to keep a certain aspect of your finances hidden is a problem. I think separate accounts can work but not when one person has a part of their life they aren't comfortable with the other person knowing about.

If people making a big deal about having joint finances also "still each have little separate accounts for fun money / gifts," then that that's what I described as being yours/mine/ours, which maybe should be renamed ours/mine/yours (not OP, poster #2). Maybe it's just that we find our joint account well enough and we have enough money left over that our side accounts are bigger than most people's.

I agree, though, that if this was all really OP trying to hide some money (maybe alimony from a previous marriage?), that is trouble.

OP here. I had the same thought when others described their side accounts.

She's aware of the dollar amount and duration of the pre-marital obligation so it's not to hide it from her. However, let's say we pool everything into a joint account and if I have an issue paying that obligation down the road (sickness, loss of employment, etc.) then said obligation can go after that joint account. That's what I mean by keeping it my issue and not making her deal with it.

This sounds very noble OP, but the day you marry, they can come after her financially too, whether your name is on e account or not. I can't tell you how many times my moon has paid down my dad's personal credit card so they stop calling HER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have joint finances and I don`t ask permission. I doubt that is how many people work. We just see it as our money instead of as your money and my money. Some people (not all) that have joint finances also still each have little separate accounts for fun money / gifts.

I think Op the fact you are doing this arrangement to keep a certain aspect of your finances hidden is a problem. I think separate accounts can work but not when one person has a part of their life they aren't comfortable with the other person knowing about.

If people making a big deal about having joint finances also "still each have little separate accounts for fun money / gifts," then that that's what I described as being yours/mine/ours, which maybe should be renamed ours/mine/yours (not OP, poster #2). Maybe it's just that we find our joint account well enough and we have enough money left over that our side accounts are bigger than most people's.

I agree, though, that if this was all really OP trying to hide some money (maybe alimony from a previous marriage?), that is trouble.

OP here. I had the same thought when others described their side accounts.

She's aware of the dollar amount and duration of the pre-marital obligation so it's not to hide it from her. However, let's say we pool everything into a joint account and if I have an issue paying that obligation down the road (sickness, loss of employment, etc.) then said obligation can go after that joint account. That's what I mean by keeping it my issue and not making her deal with it.

This sounds very noble OP, but the day you marry, they can come after her financially too, whether your name is on e account or not. I can't tell you how many times my moon has paid down my dad's personal credit card so they stop calling HER.

Just because collection agencies called your mom about your dad's debt doesn't mean she's legally obligated to pay it. It's a little more nuanced with respect to consumer goods purchased for the marital home but I wouldn't hold out the actions of a debt collector as representative of anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have joint finances and I don`t ask permission. I doubt that is how many people work. We just see it as our money instead of as your money and my money. Some people (not all) that have joint finances also still each have little separate accounts for fun money / gifts.

I think Op the fact you are doing this arrangement to keep a certain aspect of your finances hidden is a problem. I think separate accounts can work but not when one person has a part of their life they aren't comfortable with the other person knowing about.

If people making a big deal about having joint finances also "still each have little separate accounts for fun money / gifts," then that that's what I described as being yours/mine/ours, which maybe should be renamed ours/mine/yours (not OP, poster #2). Maybe it's just that we find our joint account well enough and we have enough money left over that our side accounts are bigger than most people's.

I agree, though, that if this was all really OP trying to hide some money (maybe alimony from a previous marriage?), that is trouble.

OP here. I had the same thought when others described their side accounts.

She's aware of the dollar amount and duration of the pre-marital obligation so it's not to hide it from her. However, let's say we pool everything into a joint account and if I have an issue paying that obligation down the road (sickness, loss of employment, etc.) then said obligation can go after that joint account. That's what I mean by keeping it my issue and not making her deal with it.

This sounds very noble OP, but the day you marry, they can come after her financially too, whether your name is on e account or not. I can't tell you how many times my moon has paid down my dad's personal credit card so they stop calling HER.

Just because collection agencies called your mom about your dad's debt doesn't mean she's legally obligated to pay it. It's a little more nuanced with respect to consumer goods purchased for the marital home but I wouldn't hold out the actions of a debt collector as representative of anything.

Perhaps, but people often have to engage lawyers or per advocates to flush the so-called "nuances." Still something to be concerned about.

[Anonymous]

My sister is in a long-term relationship with a guy who has an EW and three kids. They won't marry until his youngest hits 18 because the EW would instantly go after my sister's money.

Meanwhile, she pays for everything, but that's her decision.

[Anonymous]

Married with baby on the way.
I'll say this...I think it's easiest to be all or nothing. My husband and I have a shared money market account - we dump a lot of money in there and then pull from it as needed - we always say, "hey, I'm taking $1000 from there to pay for _____".

Everything else we split rather equally, considering I currently make more than him. I pay our mortgages (we have an investment property and our home) and fees associated with them...electricity and cable. He pays for basically everything else - the car, the groceries, odds and ends when we're out. Before we had to buy tons of stuff to prepare for the baby, every month or so, he'd see he had too much in checking and then move the extra to savings.

I bought our first property with no help from him (we were dating) which we kept as a rental and our current home was paid for largely by him as he deployed twice and had some savings bonds we cashed out.

I can see it getting more difficult to split everything once childcare is in the picture, but it's actually worked well for us. I don't feel cheated, I don't feel like I'm lending him money, etc.

If we combine accounts, we'll still keep our own money - each saving a few hundred a month for ourselves or something.

there's no cut and dry easy way to do it that, to me, feels fair. But that's because we both work and both came to the marriage with our own savings. good luck.

[Anonymous]

I've been married 10 years, and this is how we still do it. I have my own account. He has his own account. We have a joint account that we pay our bills from, and we just put our shares into the joint.