Newly Married, Separate Finances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you, what kind of resources are you talking about, and does one or both of you have some separate financial or caregiving obligation that predates your marriage (eg, kids elsewhwere, etc).

If you're relatively young, no other entanglements, merge them. You can decide that each has a small side account with some "fun money" that you don't want the other to see and is not the other person's business what you do with. But other than that, don't create headaches.

Or, if you're just not that sure about the other person and don't believe them to be trustworthy, divorce now and get a jump on things.

Totally agree. This sounds like what we did before we got married, but once we were married we each kept a separate account with a small "allowance" (couple hundred bucks a month) and everything else went to joint. If you have a separate obligation, you could add that to your personal account. But otherwise, contributing according to your relative salaries is setting you up to nickel and dime everything.

Been married almost 15 years with this system, income has tripled since then, and we NEVER fight about money.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe how stuck in the 1950s so many posters are.

OP, we kept our separate accounts when we got married. We split up the bills, and divvied them up. We actually did this for about 15 years, until the time we had a child and one of us stopped working full time. Now married 26 years, we have merged our finances totally.

I preferred separate finances. Oh, and most of our friends who don't have kids have similar arrangements.

[Anonymous]

I've been married 31 years. We have two kids, both in their 20s and through college. We were students when we got married and had no money. In fact, we had a negative net worth (student loans). We merged our checking accounts a couple months before we got married because together we could meet the minimum balance for free checking and separately we could not. I have never regretted merging our finances.

We were quite poor in the beginning and now we are financially very comfortable. Early on, when the kids were little and I worked part time, my husband made more money than I did. In the past 10 years or so my career has taken off and I make significantly more money than he does. It all evens out. Although our finances are merged, neither of us begrudges the other spending money on things that we would never buy. We keep enough money in our checking account to handle occasional splurges of a hundred dollars or so. If one of us wants to buy something more than that we discuss it to make sure that our cash flow can handle it or we jointly decide that it is something that we want to take money from savings to cover. We don't fight about money but we do discuss it.

I can see how keeping finances separate could work, but if you do that I think that it is important to keep in mind joint goals for the future. Presumably you both want to retire one day. What happens if one of you saves up a lot of money for retirement and the other does not? By merging our finances we were forced to discuss things like what percentage of our salaries we want to save. If you keep your finances separate, I think that you still need to discuss these issues unless one of you is willing to watch the other one suffer in old age.

[Anonymous]

OP -- my husband and I have operated this way for our entire marriage -- 23 years. Works great for us. If you both agree that it feels rational and fair, that is what matters. There are many different ways to handle money in relationships, and there is nothing wrong with this one.

[Anonymous]

I prefer joint everything, after all it's a marriage not a fucking girlfriend, but whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married 31 years. We have two kids, both in their 20s and through college. We were students when we got married and had no money. In fact, we had a negative net worth (student loans). We merged our checking accounts a couple months before we got married because together we could meet the minimum balance for free checking and separately we could not. I have never regretted merging our finances.

We were quite poor in the beginning and now we are financially very comfortable. Early on, when the kids were little and I worked part time, my husband made more money than I did. In the past 10 years or so my career has taken off and I make significantly more money than he does. It all evens out. Although our finances are merged, neither of us begrudges the other spending money on things that we would never buy. We keep enough money in our checking account to handle occasional splurges of a hundred dollars or so. If one of us wants to buy something more than that we discuss it to make sure that our cash flow can handle it or we jointly decide that it is something that we want to take money from savings to cover. We don't fight about money but we do discuss it.

I can see how keeping finances separate could work, but if you do that I think that it is important to keep in mind joint goals for the future. Presumably you both want to retire one day. What happens if one of you saves up a lot of money for retirement and the other does not? By merging our finances we were forced to discuss things like what percentage of our salaries we want to save. If you keep your finances separate, I think that you still need to discuss these issues unless one of you is willing to watch the other one suffer in old age.

OP here. I think with respect to retirement we'd develop a mutually agreeable target savings plan for 401k contributions. I'm not suggesting my approach completely eliminates discussion of how we spend our individual money because if we have kids we still have to be prepared for either one of us to assume a larger share of the family unit needs due to sickness, loss of employment, etc. so to some degree we'll still need to discuss large purchases from our individual accounts.

[Anonymous]

If it works for you it's good. Just be prepared to renegotiate down the road as time and circumstances change things. You could even preset some schedule (every 6 months / a year / when planning big changes like kids / moving / Job change) to revisit the setup and see if it's still working for you both or if there are things you need to change.

As a previous poster said, there is no right or wrong answer to how to handle finances. I firmly believe that problems in a marriage arise when one partner (or both) feels taken advantage of. If you keep the lines of communication open and both partners truly believe the other person is committed to the best interests of the marriage you'll be able to work out the details of what that looks like in your specific marriage.

And Congratulations on your marriage. It can be challenging, but building a life with another person can also be incredibly rewarding.

[Anonymous]

When DH and I were living together/married before kids, we had a joint account for paying rent and utility bills. We split this evenly. Then we had our separate accounts. DH paid for groceries and when we went out because he made about 3x as much as I did. Groceries included any essential household products (shampoos, razors, etc.) Anything else came out of our separate accounts. When we started discussing having children, we realized that this probably wouldn't work anymore. Baby stuff is expensive and since he made 3x as more as I did, would it all come out of his account? Would we increase our joint account and determine a percentage for each to put in? Way too complicated and would lead to too many arguments. So, our finances became pretty much mixed. We each still maintained our own account in our own name, although very little went into it each month (it became an emergency account for each of us that we wouldn't dip into unless something major happened).

Then I decided to SAH until DS is old enough for preschool so we worked out something different with how i get money into my account (DH puts money in it every month).

It helps that neither DH or I are big spenders and if we are spending more than $100 on something, we usually run it by the other person to make sure they are okay with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when you have kids? Will your wife have to save up for maternity leave so that she can take off to take care of your child and recover? What if one of you gets sick and can't afford to pay their "share"?
All of the couples that I know that have separate accounts fight over money. It tends to become very nit picky.

OP here. I thought maternity leave was covered by short term disability, perhaps not? If not, having children is a joint decision so if (but probably when ) we decide to have them we would map out a financial plan that works. I'll be the first to admit I don't have all of the answers and I agree this isn't a perfect system, but joint finances isn't without its disadvantages either.

Honestly, DH and I have never had any problems with our finances being joint. Like, not a single issue. We just do not have money conflicts period. We are both very frugal and DH is incredibly uninterested in anything to do with money, so I think that is part of it, but for us, there is no disadvantage. What do you think the disadvantages would be? I don't think everyone should join their finances, I can see how keeping things separate would work better if you are both established in your careers and spending habits. Or if one spouse is a flight risk and decided to take everything out of the bank all of a sudden and run off (which is incredibly rare I hope!).

[Anonymous]

I'm 16:46, and I agree with 17:21. DH and I have never had one fight regarding money. We are both respectful of each other and our finances and neither one of us would ever make a purchase over $100 (the line we set) without consulting the other one. "Hey honey, just so you know I need to buy a dress for M's wedding since my other one was ruined at the last wedding. What do you think a good budget to work with is? I was thinking $250 or less, is that ok?" "Yup no problem" or "well we have that expensive trip coming up. $200 or less would probably be better if you could manage it."

I think the people who fight about money have respect issues in their marriage.

[Anonymous]

My DW and I were going to keep separate accounts....I made about 3x what she made (65K vs 25k). After about three weeks, we decided it was too complicated. When we had a kid, DW became a SAHM (by then, my salary was more than the joint salary when married).

[Anonymous]

I'm the one who originally replied to OP about having yours/mine/ours finances, and am laughing at the people who find it so objectionable.

I can't fathom asking DH if it's okay if I buy a $100 dress. Our joint finances are always covered, we talk about exactly how much we are saving and spending, I earn my money, and the notion that then somehow I have to "ask permission" to spend my own money once the household expenses are paid is silly to me. But as I said, and as others have said, it requires open communication and very similar financial outlooks (and in our case incomes). We've never fought once about money, and very much live within our means. (And don't have kids.) If there's higher household expenses than our usual monthly joint contributions, we cover it from our own accounts, no carping or whatever.

I assume once we retire there will be much more merging of finances. And that will be fine.

You may think we sound like roommates (and gosh, we've only been together 20 years now), but I think you guys freaking out at separate finances sound like a bunch of controlling fraidy cats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one who originally replied to OP about having yours/mine/ours finances, and am laughing at the people who find it so objectionable.

I can't fathom asking DH if it's okay if I buy a $100 dress. Our joint finances are always covered, we talk about exactly how much we are saving and spending, I earn my money, and the notion that then somehow I have to "ask permission" to spend my own money once the household expenses are paid is silly to me. But as I said, and as others have said, it requires open communication and very similar financial outlooks (and in our case incomes). We've never fought once about money, and very much live within our means. (And don't have kids.) If there's higher household expenses than our usual monthly joint contributions, we cover it from our own accounts, no carping or whatever.

I assume once we retire there will be much more merging of finances. And that will be fine.

You may think we sound like roommates (and gosh, we've only been together 20 years now), but I think you guys freaking out at separate finances sound like a bunch of controlling fraidy cats.

We have joint finances and I don`t ask permission. I doubt that is how many people work. We just see it as our money instead of as your money and my money. Some people (not all) that have joint finances also still each have little separate accounts for fun money / gifts.

I think Op the fact you are doing this arrangement to keep a certain aspect of your finances hidden is a problem. I think separate accounts can work but not when one person has a part of their life they aren't comfortable with the other person knowing about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have joint finances and I don`t ask permission. I doubt that is how many people work. We just see it as our money instead of as your money and my money. Some people (not all) that have joint finances also still each have little separate accounts for fun money / gifts.

I think Op the fact you are doing this arrangement to keep a certain aspect of your finances hidden is a problem. I think separate accounts can work but not when one person has a part of their life they aren't comfortable with the other person knowing about.

If people making a big deal about having joint finances also "still each have little separate accounts for fun money / gifts," then that that's what I described as being yours/mine/ours, which maybe should be renamed ours/mine/yours (not OP, poster #2). Maybe it's just that we find our joint account well enough and we have enough money left over that our side accounts are bigger than most people's.

I agree, though, that if this was all really OP trying to hide some money (maybe alimony from a previous marriage?), that is trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one who originally replied to OP about having yours/mine/ours finances, and am laughing at the people who find it so objectionable.

I can't fathom asking DH if it's okay if I buy a $100 dress. Our joint finances are always covered, we talk about exactly how much we are saving and spending, I earn my money, and the notion that then somehow I have to "ask permission" to spend my own money once the household expenses are paid is silly to me. But as I said, and as others have said, it requires open communication and very similar financial outlooks (and in our case incomes). We've never fought once about money, and very much live within our means. (And don't have kids.) If there's higher household expenses than our usual monthly joint contributions, we cover it from our own accounts, no carping or whatever.

I assume once we retire there will be much more merging of finances. And that will be fine.

You may think we sound like roommates (and gosh, we've only been together 20 years now), but I think you guys freaking out at separate finances sound like a bunch of controlling fraidy cats.

We have joint finances and I don`t ask permission. I doubt that is how many people work. We just see it as our money instead of as your money and my money. Some people (not all) that have joint finances also still each have little separate accounts for fun money / gifts.

I think Op the fact you are doing this arrangement to keep a certain aspect of your finances hidden is a problem. I think separate accounts can work but not when one person has a part of their life they aren't comfortable with the other person knowing about.

OP here. Just to be clear, the pre-marital obligation isn't hidden, she's very much aware of it.