Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD was diagnosed ADD as a freshman after her grades tanked. She'll graduate HS.with a 3.8 for the last 3 years (her college seems to have forgiven freshman grades). Not uncommon for smart girls to get by until high school when classes start to get hard.
I get that you need her out of the house in 3 years, but you can't dump all that on her that at age 14. And worst case, one year at a community or "lesser" college with a plan to transfer is not failure.

OP here. DD doesn't have ADD, she is just a classic underachiever. It's encouraging to know that she can pull her GPA up over the next 3 years and that all is not lost. For me, if she HAS to go to community college, I will feel like a failure, because it means I didn't drill hard enough into her head the proper values of hard work and always doing your best. She really is capable of straight A's but has decided a different path for her life.

I guess it could be worse. My sister is dealing with my 16yo niece that is an honors student but has gotten mixed up with drug and alcohol use/abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I love coming to this forum because this group of ppl are so wise and usually have great advice. Thanks to everyone that has responded so far. It's amazing how much others "know" about the situation and can hit the nail right on the head, just based on the facts that I tell.

So should I let her maneuver these 2 weeks of studying for finals on her own? Not take away electronics, not have her create/plan a schedule? She is a procrastinator so I'm concerned that she may wait until the night before an exam to study on her own. Her reasoning will be that they are going over the information in class so she wouldn't need to do any at home studying.
I have told her that if she wants to create a study group with some classmates that I am open to having some girls over at the house.

I think it's ok to ask her what she thinks she needs to do to get the grades she wants/deserves.

OP here. I like that idea. Ask her what type of grade she wants and her plan to achieve that grade...hmmm. Clever, never would have thought of that. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should tie punishment to her grades. The question is: how many hours/day is she studying, and is she studying effectively. You should help her work on that. If she has a gift, the grades will follow. If not, you will know she is doing the best she can do. You might also torture her with a tutor during summer in the subject that had the low grade.

[Anonymous]

First of all ~ she doesn't have to end up at community college if she gets "C's", so get that out-of-your-head. Re: Finals some kids have it figured out. They know exactly what they have to get on each final to receive a particular grade. Often they know they can not, at this point, raise their grade by doing well on the final. They view it as wasted effort. In some ways this may not be entirely bad. She may be learning to prioritize

[Anonymous]

For me, if she HAS to go to community college, I will feel like a failure, because it means I didn't drill hard enough into her head the proper values of hard work and always doing your best.

Just want to point out to you:

my cousin went to a 4 yr state school, then grad school for her masters.
i went to community college.

I earn more than she does, and will always be ahead of her salary-wise. we're both happy. we're both smart. we're both in our late 30's. where we went to college doesn't matter anymore.

[Anonymous]

Oh honey, stop placing your own dreams on your poor children. She will do what she does...and be who she is. If she does four years in the service, so? She will grow up faster.

[Anonymous]

I still think the punishment can't be tied to the outcome. The worst lesson is for her to blow off the year, study 3 weeks in June, get her Bs (which is still underachieving in her case) and get off Scott free.

Do what you need to do and can sustain beginning right now. Certainly less electronics.

[Anonymous]

Poor freshmen year grades aren't the end of the world. Others have been down that road. I rallied in my sophomore year of high school after a dismal freshmen year. My grades improved markedly over the last three years of high school. I was accepted at Dartmouth, matriculated, and graduated in the top 20% of my class.

I am glad no one assumed I was going to be unsuccessful after the grades I received when I was 14 years old, immature, and quite social most of the time.

My parents, incidentally, said nothing to me about my freshmen year grades. They also never commented on my report cards in general, beyond making sure that I had seen them. My grades were my business all the way through my schooling.

If my parents had tied grades to consequences or rewards, I would have found that demoralizing and patronizing and would have probably not put in any effort. Given my personality, it would have backfired.

By high school, I needed to be trusted with my own life, and when that trust was simply given and assumed, I rose to the occasion. Most of the kids I knew in college (though not all) were highly self-directed and self-motivated. That does not come from being given money for "A" grades, or being punished or scolded for lesser grades.

This same parenting approach worked for my siblings as well, who are very different from me. It is just one approach, and it may not work for OP's kid. It may not work if there are underlying mental, emotional, or cognitive issues for a child, who might need more guidance and intervention. But for NT kids, it is one approach that could be considered.

We followed this approach with our kids, and had similar results. We did not reward them for good grades, or comment unnecessarily on poor grades. We never discussed grades at all in elementary school, or showed them report cards until middle school. Some of them floundered in ninth grade as well, but they had rallied by the end of tenth grade. Over time, they became excited about the world of ideas and scholarship, and began to feel competent in their engagement with that world.

Sometimes, for some kids, a hands-off approach works best. Trust can be a powerful motivator.

[Anonymous]

You also might want to schedule a few college visits this summer to appealing campuses -- UVA comes to my mind and I'm sure there are others nearby that you know would appeal to your DD. Let her see the schools and listen to the admission criteria, talk to students and basically get a taste of what she's working for. She knows her GPA now and will see what their first year students' average GPA is. Hopefully it will motivate her for next year! Worked for my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My driving privileges were tied to my GPA. If my GPA dropped below a 3.75, my parents took my keys.

This is really depressing and awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

For me, if she HAS to go to community college, I will feel like a failure, because it means I didn't drill hard enough into her head the proper values of hard work and always doing your best.

Just want to point out to you:

my cousin went to a 4 yr state school, then grad school for her masters.
i went to community college.

I earn more than she does, and will always be ahead of her salary-wise. we're both happy. we're both smart. we're both in our late 30's. where we went to college doesn't matter anymore.

To add to that, OP, I'm wondering if, in some reverse psychology way, you're not putting too much pressure on her and she is rebelling. I don't know what advice to give you as to what you should do now but I was struck by the way you said I will feel like a failure because I didn't drill hard enough. This makes it sound as if her grades are all about you and not her. She may be picking up on that and resisting for that reason.

Of course, you're worried about her and as adults we can see what happens when people don't get their act together at a fairly young age, especially in this economy but I think in some way you've made this about soothing your anxieties and kids pick up on that. Apologies if I'm wrong. It is just a guess based on your brief comments.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Finals are in 1 week and I have taken some of the advice here and "backed off". She says they are studying in each class (going over review sheets) and some classes are allowing the essay portions to be done before the final and she is taking the time to get those done. She is not doing any addional studying at home and I asked her if she thinks studying only in school is sufficient. She seems to think it is in most classes, although she did look over some of her foreign language notes after I made the comment. Like I mentioned, she has basically been having an "easy" year of very little studying and making "decent" grades (just below her capabilities which concerns me). I have noticed that when I don't push her about grades and studying she does manage to get A's on some tests. It's shocking to me because the child does no studying at home. Anyway, I really want her to do well next week, but I'm going to just encourage and not hover. Hopefully, she will be able to pull it off. Thanks everyone!

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP! Hope all goes well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You also might want to schedule a few college visits this summer to appealing campuses -- UVA comes to my mind and I'm sure there are others nearby that you know would appeal to your DD. Let her see the schools and listen to the admission criteria, talk to students and basically get a taste of what she's working for. She knows her GPA now and will see what their first year students' average GPA is. Hopefully it will motivate her for next year! Worked for my sister.

This. You have to let them see the reward at the end of all the hard work -- moving away from you to someplace really cool.

Sit down and do the math with her -- both in terms of GPA, SAT scores and money. Be transparent about where she is, where you are money-wise, and what she has to do to make her dreams come true. Tell her you will help her -- tutor, help structuring time, experiences, etc. -- but that the only person who can accomplish it is her. Do the math on the grades. Show her how not doing homework can pull her up or down. Show her what annual GPA she will have to hit in 10th and 11th grades to get to which kinds of schools. Straight As and Straight Bs are going to lead you to two different levels of college. I'm not one who believes an Ivy is the be all and end all, but show her the numbers and do the math now so that she can't say she didn't know.

[Anonymous]

Also, how you deliver the message matters. If your message is, "your grounded because your bad grades disappointed me" and you are conveying that she isn't living up to your high expectations, that is going to get a negative response from her.

If your message is, "you're grounded because you're wasting time on less important stuff like talking to your friends and not focusing on more important stuff like your life" and "I know you can do this, and if you do it there is a great college experience waiting for you ..." That is going to get a different, more positive response.

In one approach she's a failure. In the other, she's not dreaming big enough.