Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you have to ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to have with your daughter. If you want one that is based on loving her unconditionally no matter where she goes to school or what she achieves in life then I suggest you give her that message. If you want one that is based on her achievement and pleasing you with her accomplishments then punish away for bad grades. That will be what you end up with. I'm not saying that you are doing this, I just feel really bad for the kids whose parents do.

[Anonymous]

I think that the conversations you have with your daughter should be about her learning and understanding, and not about grades specifically.

Start by saying that what she's learning in school is relevant. Doors open to you when you KNOW things, and when you're confident that you can learn. [I loved psychology in HS and college. And wouldn't you know it, in grad school I needed to learn some complicated mathematics and statistics. If I'd been scared off by that, I never would've gone on to get a really interesting degree and a really interesting career! I use Baysian mathematics every day. Who knew?]

Ask her how confident she is in what she knows and is learning in school. Does she think that her grades reflect her knowledge? How else can she monitor her understanding, given that grades and especially finals are in many ways "too late" to be used as good indicators. If she thinks she's having trouble--and EVERYONE has trouble at some point!--what can she do? Whom can she ask for help? Etc, etc.

You might structure the conversation like this. She should monitor her UNDERSTANDING. She should take action when she knows she's feeling like her understanding is wavering. Does she need better study strategies? Does she need a study group? How about a tutor? There's no shame in any of this... med and law students understand the power of asking for help, working together, and seeking out the "smart guys/gals" as study partners!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 9th grade has not been working to her fullest potential this school year. Currently her GPA has dipped under a 3.0 (this has NEVER happened before). I want to give her fair warning that if she receives anything lower than a B (80) on any final exam then there will be some sort of consequence. The problem is I just don't know what to do. Our summer is pretty much mapped out with planned/paid for International travel and her summer job (DC summer jobs program, which I need for her to do because it will help me financially). I don't want to be too harsh but I need her to understand that I am disappointed in her performance this school year (I've already said it), and I need her to finish strong. Rather than waiting for the grades should I say that from now until finals I expect her to devote all her time to studying and take away all electronics? If I know that she really studied and put the time in then it would be harder for me to punish for a grade less than a B (which she is more than capable of getting). Advice welcomed. TIA!!

Former HS teacher here. 80% sounds like a respectable grade, but it isn't necessarily a magic number. You could instead look at the situation in terms of the final course grades. Your DD should be able to calculate what exam grade she would need to pull off the course grade that is the goal, based on her grade going into the exam and the percentage weight of the exam. If she's in 9th grade, she's probably never done this before, but now is not a bad time to start.

For example let's say that in Class #1, pulling off an A on the report card would depend on getting a 97% or higher on the exam (let's say that's a stretch for her), but in order to keep a B, all she needs is a 72%. Let's say that in Class #2, to get a B, she would need an 85% on the exam. For Class #1, you might want her to go for an exam grade of 80%, just to teach her the value of hard work and studying. But for Class #2, wouldn't you rather suggest she push extra hard and go for the 85%?

I don't want to give the impression that Class #1 is not important. It sounds like you realize that she has dropped the ball on parts of the school year, and that you let it slide and shouldn't have. So everybody is trying to make a comeback here. That said, she can't fix all her problems in a matter of weeks. So it's good for her to learn about what is realistic and how to prioritize and set goals (if she turns out to be in a situation like Class #2).

[Anonymous]

00:18 here. One benefit of crunching the numbers as I described is that it takes the drama out of exam season. I saw a lot of ninth and tenth graders get very hyped up about exams - not in a productive way. I was always looking for opportunities to help them come back down to earth and take ownership of the studying process. If your DD doesn't have an issue with any of this, you can ignore the advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 9th grade has not been working to her fullest potential this school year. Currently her GPA has dipped under a 3.0 (this has NEVER happened before). I want to give her fair warning that if she receives anything lower than a B (80) on any final exam then there will be some sort of consequence. The problem is I just don't know what to do. Our summer is pretty much mapped out with planned/paid for International travel and her summer job (DC summer jobs program, which I need for her to do because it will help me financially). I don't want to be too harsh but I need her to understand that I am disappointed in her performance this school year (I've already said it), and I need her to finish strong. Rather than waiting for the grades should I say that from now until finals I expect her to devote all her time to studying and take away all electronics? If I know that she really studied and put the time in then it would be harder for me to punish for a grade less than a B (which she is more than capable of getting). Advice welcomed. TIA!!

Former HS teacher here. 80% sounds like a respectable grade, but it isn't necessarily a magic number. You could instead look at the situation in terms of the final course grades. Your DD should be able to calculate what exam grade she would need to pull off the course grade that is the goal, based on her grade going into the exam and the percentage weight of the exam. If she's in 9th grade, she's probably never done this before, but now is not a bad time to start.

For example let's say that in Class #1, pulling off an A on the report card would depend on getting a 97% or higher on the exam (let's say that's a stretch for her), but in order to keep a B, all she needs is a 72%. Let's say that in Class #2, to get a B, she would need an 85% on the exam. For Class #1, you might want her to go for an exam grade of 80%, just to teach her the value of hard work and studying. But for Class #2, wouldn't you rather suggest she push extra hard and go for the 85%?

I don't want to give the impression that Class #1 is not important. It sounds like you realize that she has dropped the ball on parts of the school year, and that you let it slide and shouldn't have. So everybody is trying to make a comeback here. That said, she can't fix all her problems in a matter of weeks. So it's good for her to learn about what is realistic and how to prioritize and set goals (if she turns out to be in a situation like Class #2).

OP here. I had the conversation and asked her to do this, but unfortunately even though she knew what grade(s) she needed to get on the finals to get B in class, she did not buckle down and study extra hard for the classes that needed it. Whenever I would mention studying, it was always "I will, I will, gosh why do you have to keep saying something..." For instance, she has her last 2 finals today (both classes she is right at a low C for the year), she did not study any on Saturday, and yesterday she only studied sometime between 2-5 (I don't know how long because I was out of the house between those hours). Anyway, she did no additional studying the entire evening. I mentioned it, she did the "I will..." thing and I left the room disappointed. This morning as I was driving her to school I saw her completing one of the essays (take home essay section for final). I didn't say anything as much as I wanted to because it would have led to yelling, crying and I didn't want her to start school all upset, but inside I was angry!! Anyway, I know I need to make some changes for next year. I'm not going to get too upset until I see the final grades, unfortunately report cards do not come until July.

[Anonymous]

They are HER grades. She needs to do poorly and learn the consequences. If she doesn't get into a good school, then maybe she isn't ready for a good school and should go to community college? Or the peace corps, or even into the service---though the gods know we don't need your overcoddled child there! Immediate college after high school is not for every child.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, they are HER grades, but I do feel I have some responsibility to help her make good choices. Anyway, she received her finals back and final grade for the year, and she is going to have some work to do next year. Grades on Finals were, D,D,A,B,B,D which translates into final grades for the year as B+,B-,A,B+,B-,C. 2 of the D's were from her foreign language classes and I knew she was going to have problems with those. The other D was a surprise to both her and I. She said she really studied for that test. Anyway, when I asked her how she thinks she did overall, she said "Good...because I really studied hard for the finals." I think the issue is more that she doesn't know how to properly study and that is something we will have to work on. Getting her a tutor over the summer for her language classes(no sit down workbook stuff but more just immersion - going to restaurants, shopping, just basic conversation) along with renting movies and buying magazines in that language.

[Anonymous]

Are there study skills class for her age group? I took a study skills class my first semester in college, and it was incredibly helpful. They emphasized short periods of repetitive review over cramming for exams although you have to do both really. It seems like she may not know what studying hard really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My driving privileges were tied to my GPA. If my GPA dropped below a 3.75, my parents took my keys.

[Anonymous]

Here's a unnerving story ~ my middle school son sat next to a kid on the bus who said, "hey! look at my report card! I finally did it". What he had achieved (and what he had said he wanted to do) is get the printed grades in perfect ascending order : A,B,C,D,F oh dear

[Anonymous]

I meant to write "descending", of course

[Anonymous]

OP, there may be an underlying problem here. Has your DD ever been evaluated for ADHD/learning disabilities/depression? Sometimes these things come out as they get older and the demands increase. Sometimes when it appears they aren't studying its because something is making it particularly difficult for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a unnerving story ~ my middle school son sat next to a kid on the bus who said, "hey! look at my report card! I finally did it". What he had achieved (and what he had said he wanted to do) is get the printed grades in perfect ascending order : A,B,C,D,F oh dear

I think the kid was showing a sense of humor and you are taking it a bit too seriously.

[Anonymous]

Oh for Pete's sake: not every child who doesn't do what you want them to in school has a learning disability. If your kid can focus when he wants to, then he either has a lack of desire to focus or a low tolerance of bullshit, which is 2/3 of what they teach in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there study skills class for her age group? I took a study skills class my first semester in college, and it was incredibly helpful. They emphasized short periods of repetitive review over cramming for exams although you have to do both really. It seems like she may not know what studying hard really is.

OP here. THIS is exactly what she needs. When I've tried to show her different methods of organizing her notebooks, and how to study for tests, she gets angry because she thinks I want her to do it "my" way and what worked for me throughout HS and college. I simply tell her, I don't care what method she uses, but she needs to figure out something. She just won't take advice from me in this area of her life. I've seen some "SOAR" program advertised, but I think it's "self-study" and that would never work. I need to find a class or something.