Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice from mom of two college students (one gifted/LD) who are both thriving:
The place to address the problem was when projects/HW were not being turned in. I would have addressed those issues, not grades. So, if you think that she has no ADD/exec. functioning disorder/LDs, I would just quietly mention at some point that there will be a 90 minute study time Sunday through Thursday evenings. If she says she doesn't have that much work, then say she can read for pleasure. Meanwhile, you need to be reading or working quietly in the same room (no electronics, obviously).
As at least one other person has suggested, I would completely shift your focus away from grades, and put it back on learning. You didn't say much about that in your postings. And, it is her life. Your relationship should be more important than her grades.

OP here. Sigh...I tried so many times to address the issues as they appeared. She would always say "why are you focusing on this 1 assignment that I didn't turn it, when I turned in assignments for all the other classes?" "If I'm going to have to get punished for 1 F for not turning in an assignment, maybe I just won't turn any in if I'm going to lose phone/TV, etc anyway". It was a constant constant battle. I felt so helpless. We ALWAYS battled about "school stuff". I didn't want to constantly fight about this, so I would let up. Even if I put the expectations/consequences in place at the beginning, when I had to implement them, it became "Why? Why? Why?, and she would badger me. So so many times I just wanted to choke her out. Yes, I feel I'm failing as a mom to a teen DD, and it's just now that I wish I had someone else to help me and maybe "put a foot on her throat". Sigh.............

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, they are HER grades, but I do feel I have some responsibility to help her make good choices. Anyway, she received her finals back and final grade for the year, and she is going to have some work to do next year. Grades on Finals were, D,D,A,B,B,D which translates into final grades for the year as B+,B-,A,B+,B-,C. 2 of the D's were from her foreign language classes and I knew she was going to have problems with those. The other D was a surprise to both her and I. She said she really studied for that test. Anyway, when I asked her how she thinks she did overall, she said "Good...because I really studied hard for the finals." I think the issue is more that she doesn't know how to properly study and that is something we will have to work on. Getting her a tutor over the summer for her language classes(no sit down workbook stuff but more just immersion - going to restaurants, shopping, just basic conversation) along with renting movies and buying magazines in that language.

I wouldn't be upset with these as final grades.

OP here. Except that I view B-'s as C's. But I've already let it go and we are going to focus on next year. I already have a great summer planned for her so just going to try and enjoy the time with her. I will pick back up with all the school talk sometime in August. Thanks everyone for all the great advice.

I've had it explained to me that at least in Fairfax County schools, a C is that you are working at grade level expectations, Bs and As surpass that.

[Anonymous]

You are moving into the time when you have to shift from manager of your daughter's life to consultant in her life. If this becomes a power struggle, you will not win because you care more than she does.

You should explain to her that the responsibility is shifting and share some of your own experiences at her age when you were in school. She needs to feel responsible for her own life, and accountable as well. It's the best lesson you can teach her.

[Anonymous]

Why are her grades down? Is it because she is not turning her work in? Is it because she is being sloppy on the tests? Is it because she doesn't understand some parts of the material? Does she not want to look like the smart one?

Figure that out first and come up with a plan to fix it. Then tell her straight forward, I am disappointed in your work. Tell her you will need to micromanage her and sign off on every paper, homework, etc that you she turns in because she is not doing the level of work that you expect. Treat her work like you would your staff/sub ordinate at work that is not performing well. This way she learns that if she is not doing what she needs to be doing in the real world, she will need to suffer the scrutiny of a manager who will micro manage her. This worked for my son, smart kid, just got lazy and played with statistics. Took me two semesters to get him back on track but now I don't have to manage him at all and he also knows that is what happens at work if doesn't do what is expected.

Also, it is not a bad thing that she gets one bad grade.. .teachers her how to deal with criticism and how to get back up. But do this in 9th grade, and early 10th... after you don't have time to risk it for college admissions. Very small window to work with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice from mom of two college students (one gifted/LD) who are both thriving:
The place to address the problem was when projects/HW were not being turned in. I would have addressed those issues, not grades. So, if you think that she has no ADD/exec. functioning disorder/LDs, I would just quietly mention at some point that there will be a 90 minute study time Sunday through Thursday evenings. If she says she doesn't have that much work, then say she can read for pleasure. Meanwhile, you need to be reading or working quietly in the same room (no electronics, obviously).
As at least one other person has suggested, I would completely shift your focus away from grades, and put it back on learning. You didn't say much about that in your postings. And, it is her life. Your relationship should be more important than her grades.

OP here. Sigh...I tried so many times to address the issues as they appeared. She would always say "why are you focusing on this 1 assignment that I didn't turn it, when I turned in assignments for all the other classes?" "If I'm going to have to get punished for 1 F for not turning in an assignment, maybe I just won't turn any in if I'm going to lose phone/TV, etc anyway". It was a constant constant battle. I felt so helpless. We ALWAYS battled about "school stuff". I didn't want to constantly fight about this, so I would let up. Even if I put the expectations/consequences in place at the beginning, when I had to implement them, it became "Why? Why? Why?, and she would badger me. So so many times I just wanted to choke her out. Yes, I feel I'm failing as a mom to a teen DD, and it's just now that I wish I had someone else to help me and maybe "put a foot on her throat". Sigh.............

OP, I'm wondering if your daughter has sensed that she can make you back off if she fights hard enough. I understand that the constant battle is exhausting and your inclination to give up - but it sounds like your daughter has got you figured out now. If she knew that arguing wouldn't get her anywhere, she'd be less likely to do it.

Of course, if you start holding the line now, you'll probably find that things get worse for awhile before they get better. I read this great article by a therapist about what happens when you set limits with people. If you used to give in before, the other person increases their use of the tactics they used before (for example, arguing), figuring that the reason it didn't work before is that they didn't try hard enough. So you have to work extra hard to hold the line until the other person learns that arguing won't work at all.

Have you thought about consulting with a therapist on this - someone who can help you develop a strategy to deal with this and be in your corner while you're going through it? Good luck with this. It sounds really hard!

[Anonymous]

Personally, I think her year-end grades seem fine.