Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals

[Anonymous]

DD 9th grade has not been working to her fullest potential this school year. Currently her GPA has dipped under a 3.0 (this has NEVER happened before). I want to give her fair warning that if she receives anything lower than a B (80) on any final exam then there will be some sort of consequence. The problem is I just don't know what to do. Our summer is pretty much mapped out with planned/paid for International travel and her summer job (DC summer jobs program, which I need for her to do because it will help me financially). I don't want to be too harsh but I need her to understand that I am disappointed in her performance this school year (I've already said it), and I need her to finish strong. Rather than waiting for the grades should I say that from now until finals I expect her to devote all her time to studying and take away all electronics? If I know that she really studied and put the time in then it would be harder for me to punish for a grade less than a B (which she is more than capable of getting). Advice welcomed. TIA!!

[Anonymous]

My driving privileges were tied to my GPA. If my GPA dropped below a 3.75, my parents took my keys.

[Anonymous]

What about phone privileges?

[Anonymous]

phone and text...back in the day, my friend's father grounded him each reporting period(midterm, final). The poor guy never got out...I think he tried but...you know

[Anonymous]

"Rather than waiting for the grades should I say that from now until finals I expect her to devote all her time to studying and take away all electronics?" THIS. But she does need healthy breaks. Maybe next year you can do more throughout the year so it doesn't all come down to finals. That's a lot of pressure for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Maybe twenty minutes of study three days a week all summer?

[Anonymous]

Just be sure what the problem is. My grades dropped crazy low in 9th grade as I adjusted to hs level work. No amount of punishment would have made algebra more successful for me.

As a college professor now, I have parents who demand As of their kids who just are average, and the amount of angst and engineering that goes into trying to get that A is ridiculous.

Anyway, just my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

DS's iPhone privileges are tied to straight As. He's capable, so I expect it.

It would be one thing if he was working hard and got Bs, but that's not the case.

[Anonymous]

I'd be hesitant to tie punishment to final exams. Both of my kids have spectacularly bombed finals now and then -- even after satisfactory study habits and good grades going into the finals. I'm all about effort in HS.

[Anonymous]

Definitely warn her. "Your grades have slipped and this is unacceptable. You must get at LEAST an 85 on all final exams. You have one month until finals. What do you need to change about how you've been doing things in order to get at least an 85? [her answer] Fine. We'll do that. If you do not get at least an 85, then I will decide what you need for the fall in order to bring your grades up, and whatever I decide will be implemented until mid-terms, which will mean four months of it."

[Anonymous]

How about positive rewards instead of punishment?

[Anonymous]

I don't think you win this power struggle. If getting good grades comes down to your demands, she won't be invested and you set her up to sabotage herself, either now or later. I've seen it happen. "All my mom cares about are my grades, its how she measures my worth, so fuck Mom I'm going to tank." I'm not saying this is what you think, but ultimately you cannot make her get better grades. You can punish her as much as you like, but she holds all the cards here. And push her, she could push back, and she will win.

I would first find out why her grades have gone down. Is the material too challenging for her? Then maybe get a tutor to help her get through exams. Is she distracted by electronics? Then create a specific structure for when she can use them, not as punishment but as support. Is it possible she's depressed? A drop in grades can be a sign of that, in which case punishing her will only make things worse.

Ultimately it is developmentally very helpful for kids to get at least one B. The kids who get straight A's never learn to recover from "defeat". They have no resilience. Of course, if her grades are tanking all around, I would go back to what I just wrote and try to find out why.

[Anonymous]

Oh hell mama, you are settin yourself up for TROUBLE. You don't own her grades or her effort. Try talking to her. You might find that since you are so damn invested in her grades, she has checked out. She has to want to own her performance, and she doesn't. A: if she tanks, it's a useful lesson. B: it's only 9th grade. She has time.

[Anonymous]

You are putting way too much pressure on her. You just care about the outcome versus the process it takes to get there. Why is she receiving poor grades? Have you talked to her? Is she struggling in a specific subject? Could she benefit from a tutor? As the college professor said, some kids are just average.

[Anonymous]

i'm with PP professor.. I had lousy 9th grade grades- then made up for it the next 3 years- got into a great undergrad and MBA from top 10 school.. I did have to make it up those next 3 years - I did learn a lesson.