I can't look my friend in the eye because she just had an abortion

[Anonymous]

Why in the hell would a woman tell others when she has an abortion?? It is nobody's business other than the woman, her partner, and the medical provider.

[Anonymous]

We all have horrid thoughts. OP is just venting them on an anonymous forum--I think that she is taking the right route--she is not remotely about to tell her friend she hopes he can't have babies later, or "curse" her. She probably deep in her heart doesn't mean it anyway, despite the thought forming in her head. Resentment and pain are powerful and it's not reasonable to think you can police the thought JUST to an acceptable spot (here maybe "how horrid to be irresponsible and have an abortion instead of using birth control"), but then not wish punishment, and one that seems to fit the "crime", on the person you are resenting.

OP, having the thought is human. If it persists and you're actively wishing it to happen, or if it does and you take some satisfaction from it--that's another story. If you need therapy, I would say it is to deal with your infertility--your reaction to this friend is a side effect of the horror of infertility, not a sign that you are a bad person. Therapy and a weekly support group have helped me immensely through this soul-searing search for motherhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a real friend.

1) Your friend just had an abortion - you should be empathic right now. That's horrible to go through.

2) You wish infertility on her?

Check yourself!

Another one who is unwilling to recognize that OP's friend brought the abortion on herself. Sorry if you think it makes me a bad person, but I think people who set themselves up to fall basically deserve what they get. If OP's friend is feeling "horrible" right now well, maybe that is the price she has to pay to realize that her behavior is utterly irresponsible. Hopefully she'll give some thought now as to whether BC is more "inconvenient" than an abortion, before she ends up in the clinic for abortion #2.

Sure, we all have choices, and people have all kinds of bad things happen due to bad choices. Like poverty - but I don't hate some poverty-stricken people for not making better choices.

Sure, having unprotected sex is stupid. And you may be pro life. But judge not lest you be judged - are you above reprieve? Really? And try to be empathic - having an abortion sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are no friend.

+1,000,000

I hope none of your friends are happy for your infertility because they secretly think you're a bitch. Or maybe you'd deserve that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why in the hell would a woman tell others when she has an abortion?? It is nobody's business other than the woman, her partner, and the medical provider.

Exactly. And if I was the kind of woman who flagrantly refused to use BC for stupid reasons, thus necessitating an abortion, I would definitely not tell because I would be dying inside of shame and embarrassment that I had been so stupid and flippant about something so serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a real friend.

1) Your friend just had an abortion - you should be empathic right now. That's horrible to go through.

2) You wish infertility on her?

Check yourself!

Another one who is unwilling to recognize that OP's friend brought the abortion on herself. Sorry if you think it makes me a bad person, but I think people who set themselves up to fall basically deserve what they get. If OP's friend is feeling "horrible" right now well, maybe that is the price she has to pay to realize that her behavior is utterly irresponsible. Hopefully she'll give some thought now as to whether BC is more "inconvenient" than an abortion, before she ends up in the clinic for abortion #2.

Sure, we all have choices, and people have all kinds of bad things happen due to bad choices. Like poverty - but I don't hate some poverty-stricken people for not making better choices.

Sure, having unprotected sex is stupid. And you may be pro life. But judge not lest you be judged - are you above reprieve? Really? And try to be empathic - having an abortion sucks.

No, I am staunchly pro-choice. But I am also staunchly anti stupid, selfish behavior.

[Anonymous]

^^Plus, surely you can see that poverty, which is generational and difficult to get out of, is vastly different than making the recklessly stupid choice not to use birth control because you don't like it or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a real friend.

1) Your friend just had an abortion - you should be empathic right now. That's horrible to go through.

2) You wish infertility on her?

Check yourself!

Another one who is unwilling to recognize that OP's friend brought the abortion on herself. Sorry if you think it makes me a bad person, but I think people who set themselves up to fall basically deserve what they get. If OP's friend is feeling "horrible" right now well, maybe that is the price she has to pay to realize that her behavior is utterly irresponsible. Hopefully she'll give some thought now as to whether BC is more "inconvenient" than an abortion, before she ends up in the clinic for abortion #2.

Sure, we all have choices, and people have all kinds of bad things happen due to bad choices. Like poverty - but I don't hate some poverty-stricken people for not making better choices.

Sure, having unprotected sex is stupid. And you may be pro life. But judge not lest you be judged - are you above reprieve? Really? And try to be empathic - having an abortion sucks.

No, I am staunchly pro-choice. But I am also staunchly anti stupid, selfish behavior.

People cannot help being born stupid. But frankly, your opinions seem stupid to me. So you are annoying in that regard, but I release to you to the universe and it will take care of you. It always does have a way of taking care of things.

[Anonymous]

OP I would end this friendship. Def couldn't respect that woman either way, but esp dealing with infertility. You are okay to grieve any way you want so don't let the PPs make you feel bad for having those thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a real friend.

1) Your friend just had an abortion - you should be empathic right now. That's horrible to go through.

2) You wish infertility on her?

Check yourself!

Another one who is unwilling to recognize that OP's friend brought the abortion on herself. Sorry if you think it makes me a bad person, but I think people who set themselves up to fall basically deserve what they get. If OP's friend is feeling "horrible" right now well, maybe that is the price she has to pay to realize that her behavior is utterly irresponsible. Hopefully she'll give some thought now as to whether BC is more "inconvenient" than an abortion, before she ends up in the clinic for abortion #2.

Sure, we all have choices, and people have all kinds of bad things happen due to bad choices. Like poverty - but I don't hate some poverty-stricken people for not making better choices.

Sure, having unprotected sex is stupid. And you may be pro life. But judge not lest you be judged - are you above reprieve? Really? And try to be empathic - having an abortion sucks.

No, I am staunchly pro-choice. But I am also staunchly anti stupid, selfish behavior.

People cannot help being born stupid. But frankly, your opinions seem stupid to me. So you are annoying in that regard, but I release to you to the universe and it will take care of you. It always does have a way of taking care of things.

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree. I guess I'm an enigma some people can't understand - a liberal who believes deeply in personal responsibility. If you would like to argue how flagrantly refusing to take BC while having unprotected sex is not stupid, please try. It seems like a pretty flippant, selfish and irresponsible choice to me. Like a PP, I believe abortion should remain legal, but that I doesn't mean that I have to think someone who uses it as a form of birth control is awesome or worthy of my respect.

[Anonymous]

*10000000
OP you are not alone. Baby dust to all of us seeking motherhood

[Anonymous]

+1.

I am very resentful of a smart, educated friend I had, who also hated condoms, got pregnant, aborted. 10 years later at 35 and 38 got pregnant first try both times. Flaunted it everywhere, how easy it was, how she always knew she was really fertile and would get pregnant easily, sneered at my process, "just relax", "just do it when you have to have it" (she's no longer a friend). I have always been responsible, never put myself in the position of killing my child, I used birth control. I paid attention to who I slept with. And still, I have had a hellish infertility journey.

I don't think you need to feel bad for being resentful. The Zen-master posters here who think you should be accepting are being very unrealistic. Or kidding themselves.

But in your case, your friend was kind of a bitch. It's one thing to have an abortion, another thing to sneer at you and tell you to "just relax." In your situation, you were justifiably upset at a way this woman behaved toward you, which was exacerbated by her own life choices.

In the OP's case, we don't know if this "friend" has done anything other than make a series of choice that the OP would not have. There are tons of people in this world who make choices I would not make. To get intensely rageful at them seems pointless.

I think the OP knows that she is being illogical ("I know I am a terrible person") and I think once the first burst of anger dies down, she'll see that her friend's decisions really have nothing to do with her. Whether some woman out there has an abortion or decides to have a litter of babies, it's not going to make anyone else's fertility journey easy or hard.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you minus a tiny bit of the I-hope-she-can't-ever-have-kids-stuff. Abortion isn't a good birth control option to avoid acne. I couldn't respect her decision and couldn't be her friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If you killed the baby inside you while I've been giving everything I have to hold onto one, then I am NOT going to be sympathetic, I'm not the one to turn to for comfort, and guess what--that's OK. You're going to have to go somewhere else for understanding, not to a woman who has been turned inside out and tortured with infertility.

Yeesh, we're expected to be perfectly non-judgmental, compassionate saints in addition to everything else we're dealing with?

A) Why is it about you? If you were specifically asked to contribute with sympathy, sure you have a reason to excuse yourself.

B) Yeah, actually. If all you've been through hasn't opened your eyes a bit to the need for humans to be warm and compassionate, then I'm sure it's been a REALLY hard road for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you killed the baby inside you while I've been giving everything I have to hold onto one, then I am NOT going to be sympathetic, I'm not the one to turn to for comfort, and guess what--that's OK. You're going to have to go somewhere else for understanding, not to a woman who has been turned inside out and tortured with infertility.

Yeesh, we're expected to be perfectly non-judgmental, compassionate saints in addition to everything else we're dealing with?

A) Why is it about you? If you were specifically asked to contribute with sympathy, sure you have a reason to excuse yourself.

B) Yeah, actually. If all you've been through hasn't opened your eyes a bit to the need for humans to be warm and compassionate, then I'm sure it's been a REALLY hard road for you.

Uh, OP's friend was confiding in her, knowing about OP's infertility struggle. And she had a "hard time for a while". . . and people here are asking OP to be sympathetic? No. That's superhuman. Why does OP have to summon that kind of compassion when IF probably has her scraping the bottom of the barrel for strength (that's how I feel anyway). And where was this friend's compassion for OP when confiding in her?

You don't have to be everything to everybody. And when you're dealing with IF, you have enough on your plate. I think it was selfish of this woman to even tell OP about the abortion, knowing what she's going through. SHE's the insensitive one, OP is having a rather understandable reaction.