I can't look my friend in the eye because she just had an abortion

[Anonymous]

Why is this in this forum? Seems highly inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her fiance is several years younger than her and wants to wait many more years before trying to have kids (he feels he is still too selfish)

THis kind of makes me sad for your friend. Her younger fiance doesn't understand the risk he's asking her to take by saying they should wait several more years. She may or may not share his views, but she also may not have felt unilaterally able to decide to keep the pregnancy.

You never know what's happening in a relationship...

[Anonymous]

OP-your friend was incredibly insensitive. It's understandable that you are having angry thoughts. I think at some point it might be a good idea for you to tell her that you thought it was very insensitive for her to discuss her abortion with you when she knew you were struggling to conceive.

Abortion is one of those issues where I really try not to be judgmental. I judge the friend for talking about her abortion with OP who's struggling with infertility much more than I judge her abortion. If a woman is in her first trimester and does not want to continue with the pregnancy she should not be made to feel ashamed for having an abortion-no matter what her life circumstances are. I don't know ANYONE who's had an abortion who hasn't struggled with it to some degree, felt sad, felt ashamed, etc. Most women who have abortions don't use it as a form of birth control and those that do are not responsible enough to have a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this in this forum? Seems highly inappropriate.

Totally agree. I hate logging on and seeing this subject line in a place that is supposed to be a safe haven for those of us posting about infertility. I reported it to have it moved, but no such luck.

[jsteele]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this in this forum? Seems highly inappropriate.

Totally agree. I hate logging on and seeing this subject line in a place that is supposed to be a safe haven for those of us posting about infertility. I reported it to have it moved, but no such luck.

Honest question, what forum would be more appropriate? The topic is not simply abortion, but how someone struggling with infertility reacts to an abortion. I haven't moved the thread because I don't know to where to move it.

[Anonymous]

Jeff, you're right, I don't know, other than Off-Topic. Maybe I'm just being hypersensitive and maybe this thread will become dormant soon. Thanks for taking a look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And. I would have a really hard time respecting this woman because it sounds like the pregnancy was simply "inconvenient" and was totally preventable. I believe in a woman's right to have an abortion, but abhor that women have to make that choice. I believe most women who make that choice understand that having a child would not be in their or the child's best interests at the time. But someone who is financially stable, in a stable partnership in which they plan to have children (just not then), in their 30s and got pregnant because they chose not to use any form of protection? It turns my stomach.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

jsteele wrote:

Honest question, what forum would be more appropriate? The topic is not simply abortion, but how someone struggling with infertility reacts to an abortion. I haven't moved the thread because I don't know to where to move it.

Frankly, I think it makes sense here. And it's generated an important discussion. (1.5 yrs of ART, 4 failed IVFs, 2 m/c; I am part of the target community).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-your friend was incredibly insensitive. It's understandable that you are having angry thoughts. I think at some point it might be a good idea for you to tell her that you thought it was very insensitive for her to discuss her abortion with you when she knew you were struggling to conceive.

Strongly disagree with this. If they are close enough friends to rely on each other for support, then its not weird to share what is a very difficult life decision with a friend regardless of what's going on with her. OP can, and probably should, pull away...but I don't want my friends to automatically assume I can't be there for them when I need them. A friend of mine struggled with severe postpartum depression; should she not have told me since she should at least be thankful to have a child (which she conceived easily? Maybe I was less support than I would have been in other circumstances, but she shouldn't have to hide her life from me.

I think the reactions here stem from judging this decision. But you can always judge...and rarely know the full story. Many ppl judge me for waiting to TTC (and other decisions that may or may not contribute to our IF). But I don't deserve hostility for my life choices...and neither does OP's friend

[Anonymous]

Just had my baby removed via D&C because its heart stopped beating, after I'd heard it. To say I'm heartbroken is not even to touch the surface of what I'm feeling. There were THREE confirming ultrasounds throughout to make absolutely sure that my child was lost before we did the procedure.

To expect someone who is being deprived of a cherished child, or whose child has DIED, so that her D&C was a tragedy, crying the whole time, to sympathize with someone who KILLED her living child with a beating heart for inconvenience, is beyond unreasonable.

No one is saying it shouldn't be legal but do not expect someone who is desperately wondering why she lost her child, to have anything but disgust for someone who went in for the same procedure, knowing full well that child was alive and had every reason to be born healthy.

I'm pro-choice as a policy but don't ask me to sympathize when my tragedy was the deliberate choice of someone--who went to the doctor, got the anesthetic, and then had a live baby sucked out of her. Do not expect me to hang out, be a friend

No one is disputing her right to do it. But how can you expect sympathy or understanding for the "inconvenience" of birth control to be followed by the "convenience" of surgically removing a child with a beating heart from someone whose own heart was just ripped out with her child's dead body?

It's easy to see though, how someone in her 30s who could kill the baby for inconvenience could be so callous as to share that information with her friend who is struggling to love and cherish a baby in her body.

Abortion rights should absolutely be protected but do we have to run around and pretend it's a positive thing, and go and celebrate for our friends who do it, at the SAME TIME we are either unable to get pregnant, or worse, LOSE a desired pregnancy?

Pollyanna posters, please share your secrets of Zen and comforting relativism here, so we can comfort people who are careless with something that is THE most cherished dream that we have when dealing with infertility.

[Anonymous]

Of course this topic belongs here. Infertility comes with a lot of baggage and at times not nice thoughts about others and their situations. It's not a good thing, but it is a thing and it should be discussed just as much as follicle counts and medication protocols.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As MTV says on 16 & Pregnant - "Pregnancy is 100% preventable." For any woman with half a brain (and I like to think that all of us have a whole brain), there is no need in the year 2013 to get pregnant when you don't want to.

OP, I totally feel you. I've also struggled with multiple miscarriages, horrible emotional and physical pain, but was finally blessed with a beautiful child. Just know that karma rears its head in the most unbelievable way....

Pregnancy is only 100% preventable by not having sex or permanent sterilization.

Every birth control has a failure rate. Over half of women seeking abortions were using birth control when they got pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just had my baby removed via D&C because its heart stopped beating, after I'd heard it. To say I'm heartbroken is not even to touch the surface of what I'm feeling. There were THREE confirming ultrasounds throughout to make absolutely sure that my child was lost before we did the procedure.

To expect someone who is being deprived of a cherished child, or whose child has DIED, so that her D&C was a tragedy, crying the whole time, to sympathize with someone who KILLED her living child with a beating heart for inconvenience, is beyond unreasonable.

No one is saying it shouldn't be legal but do not expect someone who is desperately wondering why she lost her child, to have anything but disgust for someone who went in for the same procedure, knowing full well that child was alive and had every reason to be born healthy.

I'm pro-choice as a policy but don't ask me to sympathize when my tragedy was the deliberate choice of someone--who went to the doctor, got the anesthetic, and then had a live baby sucked out of her. Do not expect me to hang out, be a friend

No one is disputing her right to do it. But how can you expect sympathy or understanding for the "inconvenience" of birth control to be followed by the "convenience" of surgically removing a child with a beating heart from someone whose own heart was just ripped out with her child's dead body?

It's easy to see though, how someone in her 30s who could kill the baby for inconvenience could be so callous as to share that information with her friend who is struggling to love and cherish a baby in her body.

Abortion rights should absolutely be protected but do we have to run around and pretend it's a positive thing, and go and celebrate for our friends who do it, at the SAME TIME we are either unable to get pregnant, or worse, LOSE a desired pregnancy?

Pollyanna posters, please share your secrets of Zen and comforting relativism here, so we can comfort people who are careless with something that is THE most cherished dream that we have when dealing with infertility.

I wanted to say to this PP that I am sorry for your loss. I have always been pro choice but reading this thread makes me really sick to my stomach thinking of all the women who have aborted. It's also insane that so many pollyanna posters are saying "it's not your baby OP so why do you care"? Does anyone know how hard adoption can be? If this woman hadn't aborted who knows, maybe her baby would be OP's child, or that of another woman like her.

[Anonymous]

Can we please stop calling the members of this community (which includes several people who have struggled for years with IF) naive [pollyanna] if they disagree with you about this?

Yes adoption is hard...but no, I don't think that's a reason that a woman should carry her child to term. That's the anti-life argument to a tee!! I remember an entire anti-choice ad-campaign about that when I was in high school.

I think it's completely justified for OP to have complicated feelings surround this situation, and I'm glad this forum provides her an outlet to discuss them. But it makes me sad that this is bringing out so many anti-choice sentiments...that are somehow justified by people claiming to be pro-choice except still talking about how horrible OP's friend is. Many treatments that IF patients rely on like IVF are opposed by large swaths of the anti-choice community. It really disheartens me for people to be so moralizing about this choice when a different choice that many of us rely on can provoke equal judgment.