I can't look my friend in the eye because she just had an abortion

[Anonymous]

So a friend (30ish, PhD, government job, stable relationship - just got engaged and lives were her now fiance) got pregnant. He didn't like condoms and she went off the pill because it caused her skin to look bad (I sh*t you not). At the time she didn't want to spend the money on an IUD. They continued to have sex and got pregnant. She decided to go ahead and have an abortion because the timing is inconvenient. She avoided kids and babies for a few months but now all is well and she is planning her wedding.

I had fertility issues as a number of us have had in the group. Her fiance is several years younger than her and wants to wait many more years before trying to have kids (he feels he is still too selfish). I know that I am a terrible person but I don't think that they deserve to have children together and I secretly hope that they wait too long and it isn't on the table for them anymore.

[Anonymous]

I don't blame you at all. We will both probably get flamed.

[Anonymous]

I'm bitter and resentful about things I wish I could be tolerant about too, though this is not one of them. I try never to judge anyone for the reproductive choices they make. You never know what it's like until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't blame you at all. We will both probably get flamed.

Thank you. I know that we will get flamed. I think that I also hate myself for the fact that I can't say it to them.

[Anonymous]

How is that going to help your situation? Just don't think about them.

[Anonymous]

You are no friend.

[Anonymous]

As someone who also had fertility problems, you must stop focusing on others and whether they are deserving. It will only lead to misery and isolation.

It doesn't make you a terrible person, but it won't help you be a happy one, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are no friend.

+1 - in the way that you cannot be a friend to someone that you have obviously lost respect for for the life choices that they made. The "friend" you describe is selfish and probably doesn't deserve kids - at least the fiance knows that about himself - but being selfish does not stop people from becoming parents.

[Anonymous]

I don't blame you for feeling upset. What I find somewhat distasteful is the way you discount her reasons for getting pregnant (she went off the pill because it ruined her skin -- is that not a valid reason for wanting to go off the pill? she continued to have sex -- oh my god, what a whore! She didn't want to spend the money on an IUD -- so what?)

OP, stop marginalizing her. It's okay to feel uncomfortable around her but it's not okay to depict her as some kind of valueless dingbat tightwad trollop.

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to flame you since that is clearly what you want. I will say, as someone who struggled with fertility, I think you need therapy. Your last paragraph is concerning and I remember having similar feelings when my friend's 17 year old sister got pregnant and decided to keep the baby and I started to have awful thoughts towards her. Therapy helped.

[Anonymous]

I think it is natural for you to feel this way, and vent on an annonymous message board.

But if you were pro-choice before, then you need to respect your friend's decisions. Reproductive freedom means the right of women to make decisions about when she gets pregnant.

She is the one who will have to live with her decision, particularly if she has trouble having children down the road (no, I am NOT casting stones or saying that she "should" have problems).

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you've never done anything in your life that someone hasn't agreed with. Maybe that explains your fertility issues? You deserve it, right? See where I"m going with this? Just because you don't agree with her decision (which probably wasn't an easy one despite what you think), I don't think wishing infertility on anyone because of their choices is an okay thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Can I ask you a question, OP? If and when you get pregnant, will you abort if your child has birth defects?

If so, do you have any right to pass judgment?

By the way, I'm pro choice so this isn't some pro-life rant. I just find this hypocritical that you feel that your friend is not entitled to any say in the timing and quality of her childrearing experience -- but you possibly are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't blame you for feeling upset. What I find somewhat distasteful is the way you discount her reasons for getting pregnant (she went off the pill because it ruined her skin -- is that not a valid reason for wanting to go off the pill? she continued to have sex -- oh my god, what a whore! She didn't want to spend the money on an IUD -- so what?)

OP, stop marginalizing her. It's okay to feel uncomfortable around her but it's not okay to depict her as some kind of valueless dingbat tightwad trollop.

I know women like this, my college roommate used abortions (she had 4 or 5) as birth control. Went on to have three kids.

I think OP would rather a woman use some sort of protection (condoms or whatever) than just abort. I know the personally I don't think that abortion should be used as a contraception.

We are also talking about a PhD here so dingbat is probably not the right word. She should know better. I personally think it is shameful for an educated woman to be so stupid when there are a million forms of contraception out there. And OP, perhaps her fiance was the real cause of the abortion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that I am a terrible person.

I don't have anything to add, you wrote it yourself.