splitting costs w/ spouse - we earn very different amounts

[Anonymous]

One issue is that it appears to be a business arrangement rather than a marriage.

The second is that you are in what appears to be a very very bad business arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever spoken to him about it?

[Anonymous]

What does he do with his extra $$? What happens if you can't contribute your 50%? What counts as a "household" expense?

[Anonymous]

Our contributions to our joint account are proportional to our income. DH makes about 2x what I make.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. Who pays the mortgage? Do you have separate accounts? What is he doing with the rest of "his" money?

[Anonymous]

My sister had this type of arrangement and it has destroyed her marriage. It sounds like it is time to renegotiate your deal.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To respond to various comments: We've been married 25 years, so don't think you can say is "destroying" our marriage. As for "business arrangement vs. marriage," we see lots of differences on DCUm as to what a "marriage" is (see current relationship thread on open marriage). As for what he is doing with the rest of the money, saving it. He is not untransparent, and I don't mistrust that he has a secret boat or anything. I can ignore those who don't think I can do the math, but it is helpful for those with a 2x or 5x differential to chime in, because it is the same concept.

All told, though, I did ask for input so appreciate the various thoughts. I'm ready to talk to DH about a shift.

[Anonymous]

If he is saving the rest of the money, will he help support you with these funds during retirement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes about 20x what I make. I came to the marriage with some assets, him with debt. But as you can see his career has been much more lucrative. For 25 years we have contributed 50-50 to expenses of the household (keep incomes separate), except when I've been on unpaid maternity leave (he pays 100%). I find I can really just barely afford my 50% of our our expenses on my income.

Does anybody else have this kind of arrangement? Any sage advice for how to try to unwind it? I know it is a bizarre situation, so please hold off on the judgmental comments if you can.

We have a 3:1 ratio and for more than 20 yrs. have basically allocated household expenses proportionally.

Of course some a-hole presumptuous twit here ("Seacrest") decided she knew more about our lives than we did and accused us of having a soulless business relationship, which is complete & ignorant bullshit and crowed about how she hasn't paid a bill since she got married (how wonderful for her).

I think your arrangement is unfair and in fact, now that DW's raises are frozen (private company), even though mine are too (Fed) I have a lot more available resources due to investments & inheritance, and we don't even worry much about the split, I pretty much cover all major items (including an upcoming $xxx,xxx house renovation).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and and I have your arrangement except we pay common expenses in proportion to our income. I pay 2/3 she pays 1/3. And we keep the rest of our money separate.

I don't see how your situation is possible. If he is really making 20x your salary, you must be making shit, or he is a hedge fund manager. In either case, you couldnt be paying half of the household expenses AND complaining.

This is what I've always heard is the standard for couples wishing to split costs in this manner. DH and I have always just pooled (I make just under 2x what he does)

I don't really think I could do anything other than totally joint - good luck to you- this sounds like a tough situation.

[Anonymous]

Just throw it all together unless you don't trust your spouse, which is the fundamental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

How about sitting down with a third party--a therapist first and then a financial advisor--who can help you work through this. My guess is that trying to bring this up with your husband would be a volatile conversation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Isn't his life style a lot lower than necessary since he can only use 1/20th of his income on housing, kids, etc because of you?

I have heard of people contributing to the household expenses in proportion to their incomes. But never 50/50 unless incomes are similar.

My husband makes about 5x what I do. I would not be pleased by an arrangement whereby I had to fund 1/2 of the living expenses. In fact, I couldn't do it. My income is too low and we want to live in a house that is habitable.

I would talk to him ASAP. This would be a deal breaker for me if he didn't step up and pay for a large portion of expenses.

[Anonymous]

When I shacked up with first GF, we used the "expenses in proportion to income" approach. I made a lot more and it was my idea - worked very well. For married people to even address this issue is piss poor, if you ask me. It's a marriage, for Heaven's sake.

[Anonymous]

If your husband is saving "his" money what is he saving it for?
From what I am understanding of your arrangement it seems it will not be for "your" future (as in the two of you) by this I mean retirement, old age, college for the kids, traveling, emergencies, etc. it seems you would still be expected to contribute your share forever.
Does your husband spend some of "his" money on himself in stuff that does not include you? Is he generous with the kids and gifts? What about lifestyle? Do you both live according to your means or his? and this is why you are having trouble keeping up?
What have you done in the past regarding out of the ordinary expenses (big ones) or even luxuries when he can pay them but you can't? For example if you go on vacation how do you pay? It seems you can barely cover routine expenses so is a vacation out of the question because then he would need to pay for it?
I am trying to understand how you have made it to 25 years of marriage with this arrangement and not have to deal with this before. It seems like the sort of issue that would affect everyday life in weird ways, but you seem to have a way of making it work.
My other big question is: you have been married for 25 years so you must have at least an inkling of how you husband feels about this, but again sometimes things just become the status quo until someone brings them to the table for discussion. Maybe he thinks it is a matter of pride for you to pay for 50% of expenses and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
I know every marriage is different and we should do whatever works for you, but to me this is just complicated.
Good luck!