splitting costs w/ spouse - we earn very different amounts

[Anonymous]

My DH makes about 20x what I make. I came to the marriage with some assets, him with debt. But as you can see his career has been much more lucrative. For 25 years we have contributed 50-50 to expenses of the household (keep incomes separate), except when I've been on unpaid maternity leave (he pays 100%). I find I can really just barely afford my 50% of our our expenses on my income.

Does anybody else have this kind of arrangement? Any sage advice for how to try to unwind it? I know it is a bizarre situation, so please hold off on the judgmental comments if you can.

[Anonymous]

Very strange. Have you talked to him about it? We started off with the 50-50 share and then as his income increased, he paid more and wanted to make sure I was maxing out my retirement. It was never a big deal. Later, when I stopped working, he paid everything and puts into an IRA for me.

[Anonymous]

Wow.

How about sitting down with a third party--a therapist first and then a financial advisor--who can help you work through this. My guess is that trying to bring this up with your husband would be a volatile conversation.

[Anonymous]

trust issues if you keep your income separate.

[Anonymous]

Wait, so is his debt paid off now? How do you decide what the household expenses are??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:trust issues if you keep your income separate.

Prenup issues. Not trust. Never have pooled assets since the beginning, and we were very young (and seemingly hip). So don't think is trust. Now, the picture looks totally different, of course..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so is his debt paid off now? How do you decide what the household expenses are??

His debt long paid off. We don't have huge disagreements on what to spend on. Kids are huge amount, and keeping the household going. So spending is not the issue --- contributions are.

Thx to you folks for trying to help me to sort this out. Guess I just feel stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:trust issues if you keep your income separate.

Not trust. Never have pooled assets since the beginning, and we were very young (and seemingly hip). So don't think is trust. Now, the picture looks totally different, of course..

Sorry, should read the above ...

[Anonymous]

You really need us to tell you this is not fair to you? Common!!!

[Anonymous]

"Common?" or do you mean "Come on!"
And I do want a sense of whether this is fair or not. So obviously the immediate responses are that it is wildly unfair, but maybe arguments the other way are lurking?

[Anonymous]

I think the question really is: what is the tipping point for when the original situation should change. Start out: 2 incomes, not wildly out of sync. Both contribute equally. So far so good. (Note DW did not pay off DH debts (he did).) So at what point does it need to change? No evidence of a-holes involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Common?" or do you mean "Come on!"
And I do want a sense of whether this is fair or not. So obviously the immediate responses are that it is wildly unfair, but maybe arguments the other way are lurking?

Yes, I know how to spell. I was being facetious.

I don't know how anyone can possibly this that you should contribute let's say 70% of your income to household expenses while your husband only contributes 10%. Is there more to the story? Just based on what you said, I think you are living in the land of rainbows and unicorns.

[Anonymous]

My wife and and I have your arrangement except we pay common expenses in proportion to our income. I pay 2/3 she pays 1/3. And we keep the rest of our money separate.

I don't see how your situation is possible. If he is really making 20x your salary, you must be making shit, or he is a hedge fund manager. In either case, you couldnt be paying half of the household expenses AND complaining.

[Anonymous]

I think it's unfair because marriage is designed to be a partnership and part of that means pooling your strengths. One of his seems to be earning more $$.

If you want to make it work with him keeping this arrangement yet make a change, maybe you should suggest that you all move into a home and cut back your lifestyle to a range that you'd be comfortable paying 50% of.

But is there more here. Are you feeling taken advantage of or devalued? There certainly may be bigger issues at play.

Make a plan for how you are going to take care of yourself, emotionally and financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and and I have your arrangement except we pay common expenses in proportion to our income. I pay 2/3 she pays 1/3. And we keep the rest of our money separate.

I don't see how your situation is possible. If he is really making 20x your salary, you must be making shit, or he is a hedge fund manager. In either case, you couldnt be paying half of the household expenses AND complaining.

sorry - not lying here. I am in a low-paying but high status field (go figure what it could be) and he is in a high-flying field. I have some family assets (not huge, but some). I am paying half the expenses, but not saving a lot. Helpful to hear about the paying expenses in proportion to income ... Did you do this this from the start?