what to say to single friend who wants family, but it's not happening...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in my early 40s and still single.

What I really, truly wish is that friends who got married in their late 20's and early 30's would have just leveled with me and told me to settle and to be more candid in how they ended up settling instead of pretending their DH were awesome, amazing and did everything perfectly.

Yes, now I have the perspective to understand. But back then, in the thick of wallowing in my own alone- ness, I kept hearing how wonderful and great all these guys were that my friends had and every guy that came along I seemed to find some flaw with and so did they.

If a friend had just said "meh, so he's got a few flaws so does my DH but the majority is ok and quite frankly I didn't want to be single forever and I really wanted to start a family, etc..." Sure some friends really have found a gem of a guy but the overwhelming majority have found your average guy with flaws.

Now obviously this applies to guys who had no major flaws such as being an addict, criminal, no job/homeless, serious mental illness, etc...

Completely agree with this. As one who waited until I was 40 to get married (and then went on to have 2 kids, by the grace of God), I strongly suggest that you tell your friend to re-evaluate her criteria. Contrary to other posters, I think she should wait to find a husband first, and that is where she should be putting her energy now. The "it will happen when you least expect it line" is total BS at her age... that is true when you're in college, maybe, but after that, you have to really work at it.

I'm the pp with the recent breakup friend. I agree with this too, for sure. But it's also not that easy to settle. My friend actually finally realizes that her married friends didn't find their "soul mates" or perfect men. We were just talking the other day about how great her boring ex-ex-boyfriend is looking now. But the last guy was a complete douche. Not even remotely settling-worthy. This is why our conversation was focused on how to find the right type of guys moving forward (not perfect, but suitable).

But it is important to emphasize this. That's sort of what I was getting at in talking about what to look for in a "father" not just a boyfriend. I suppose that's my way of helping her with finding a good person to settle on.

I am the poster who you first quoted and I am bolding bc this can be part of the problem. I am sure you have the best intentions but unless his flaw is one of the biggies - addict, criminal, serious mental illness - just being a "complete douche" Isn't a reason I now thing is enough to write a guy him off. could describe 90% of my friend's DH's this way. Remember that from the outside things always look different. I would bet that of those 90%, probably 10% of friends would agree wholeheartedly, the other 80% would say "yeah, he can be a douche but he has really good moments too so I put up with it..." and that's what I am getting out. Sometimes you do have to just settle and accept the crappy days and moments with good ones even if at times the crappy ones may outweigh the good ones for a few years.

Disagree. I'm a lot happier as a single mom by choice than several friends I know who settled for Mr. Wrong just so they could get the baby.

I also disagree. I waited till my late 30s to get married, and I'm just thankful as anything that I did. My husband has his flaws, indeed - and we fight about lots of them; others are just the way things are - but he is the only man I've ever been with where it doesn't feel like settling.

I think there's a difference between setting realistic expectations and settling. Setting realistic expectations, and disabusing yourself of stupid unhelpful princess (or whatever) fantasies might be construed as settling, I suppose. (For example, I used to only date very thin guys; my husband is a bear of a man. It took me a good long while to get my mind around being with someone who isn't physically fit.) But I never felt like I was marrying down, or whatever. I feel lucky (knock wood) even with the compromises.

Anyway, that is my perspective. It's stupid to look perfection and it's dumb to hold onto unrealistic fantasies about the perfect man. But you shouldn't feel like you're settling. Being married to the wrong person seems a surefire path to a very unhappy life.

[Anonymous]

I agree with suggesting that she freeze her eggs to take some pressure off. I am a single mom by chance and I'm starting to suggest it to other single, childless friends.

[Anonymous]

PP with the friend who recently broke up with a douche. I just want to defend my characterization of the douche. Functioning alcoholic coming close to not functioning, came from a broken home (not his fault, but seriously impeded his sense of normalcy in relationships, along with other family baggage), has some psychological issues that are somewhat under control but have the potential to get out of control, and since the break up he has been displaying obsessive and almost dangerous behavior. My friend is seeing a therapist and working on figuring out why she didn't see many of these issues earlier and why she stayed for a while once she did.

I'm going to bring up fertility options with her as soon as the next appropriate opportunity arises.

[Anonymous]

PP, probably not a good idea to tell her that her clock is ticking in addition to the ex drama. Let her heal first.

[Anonymous]

I don't say anything.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom by choice from upthread. I thought of this thread last night when, on the Real Housewives of Atlanta, Phaedra said to that crazy, desperate-for-a-man-and-kid Kenya, "The only person looking for a husband is someone who ain't never had one." I try to take that to heart. It sure would be disruptive at this point to suddenly have to share kid decisionmaking with a man. Things are fine the way they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single mom by choice from upthread. I thought of this thread last night when, on the Real Housewives of Atlanta, Phaedra said to that crazy, desperate-for-a-man-and-kid Kenya, "The only person looking for a husband is someone who ain't never had one." I try to take that to heart. It sure would be disruptive at this point to suddenly have to share kid decisionmaking with a man. Things are fine the way they are.

My cousin, father of two, just called to inform me today, on Christmas Day, that he and his wife are getting divorced.

Now they will both be single parents and the kids will be left to be bewildered about their broken family.

Marriage--it ain't all that. If you really want children, don't wait for it. Many women get married after having children, and there's better odds of that than of easily conceiving in your 40s.

[Anonymous]

My mom had me at age 35, as a single mom by choice, and met the love of her life, my stepdad, at age 40.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mother by choice to a 2-year old and have another on the way. I've never been happier!

[Anonymous]

There is not so much you can really say to another person about such a big life choice. She might explore single mothers by choice and see if that works for her. She might enjoy "Why don't you have Kids" a book about life without kids. Some people are just so focused on the desire to have a family that they do not think about the reality of having kids. Can be the greatest thing, but can have a great life without them. Have done both, so speaking from experience.

[Anonymous]

just be there for her and be ready to say "there are a lot of options." none perfect, all seem scary for different reasons now but lots of ways to explore what is right for her. you can help her talk through all of these things.

1) freezing eggs--what it entails, $$$, odds of successful implantation, tc.
2) single mom
3) accepting that she might meet the right guy at the wrong time, perhaps there's adoption, donor egg, etc.
4) it might work out, be open minded about dating and looking for good partner material (but not perfect).
5) adoption

for me, I was suddenly single at 35 and felt the way your friend did. I actually asked my ob/gyn to do a baseline ovarian reserve test, just to have more information. I also started dating with a more realistic and focused sense of what was important. I met DH at the tail end of 36--he did not fit my earlier 'criteria' (he came with a child already, which was not something I had ever anticipated, and of course has some pretty bad habits, messy, disorganized, has a bad temper at times) but in the main I chose well:he is also a fantastic loving involved father and committed husband. He drives me crazy, but I have a good marriage. and I was fortunate enough to squeak in 2 kids before 40 (the other thing I learned is to date men who were completely serious about and ready to have kids or more kids, which I had not done earlier.3 of the men I dated in my 30s are still single,well into their 40s) . However, when I met him, I was starting to contemplate both being a single mom and freezing eggs. the thing about being a single mom is that it seems SO overwhelming before hand, but after having my children, I realize that I really could have done it by myself, although certainly it would not be easy. I have friends now in this position-contemplating single motherhood and I wish I could convey that but of course I am not single.

[Anonymous]

I want to echo PP--thinking about being a single mom is much scarier than actually deciding to do it.

If you want to be a mother, it's much more stressful to watch one Christmas after the other go by without your child.

Society makes single motherhood sound so awful--but the reality is, marriage is no longer reliable, with the rates so high. Most single mothers are not there by choice, and yet they don't regret their kids.

I'll say it again--the child has a time limit biologically, the man, not as much. Sure it's harder when you're older, but it's already been hard by the time you're contemplating these options.

I very, very much wish I'd done this at 35 rather than waiting till the end of my fertility. Much more heartbreak that I could have spared myself by knowing that I didn't need the full picture--BEFORE being over 40 forced that realization on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single mother by choice to a 2-year old and have another on the way. I've never been happier!

How fabulous for YOU, that YOU'VE never been happier. But to hell with your kids, of course, who will never have a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:just be there for her and be ready to say "there are a lot of options." none perfect, all seem scary for different reasons now but lots of ways to explore what is right for her. you can help her talk through all of these things.

1) freezing eggs--what it entails, $$$, odds of successful implantation, tc.
2) single mom
3) accepting that she might meet the right guy at the wrong time, perhaps there's adoption, donor egg, etc.
4) it might work out, be open minded about dating and looking for good partner material (but not perfect).
5) adoption

for me, I was suddenly single at 35 and felt the way your friend did. I actually asked my ob/gyn to do a baseline ovarian reserve test, just to have more information. I also started dating with a more realistic and focused sense of what was important. I met DH at the tail end of 36--he did not fit my earlier 'criteria' (he came with a child already, which was not something I had ever anticipated, and of course has some pretty bad habits, messy, disorganized, has a bad temper at times) but in the main I chose well:he is also a fantastic loving involved father and committed husband. He drives me crazy, but I have a good marriage. and I was fortunate enough to squeak in 2 kids before 40 (the other thing I learned is to date men who were completely serious about and ready to have kids or more kids, which I had not done earlier.3 of the men I dated in my 30s are still single,well into their 40s) . However, when I met him, I was starting to contemplate both being a single mom and freezing eggs. the thing about being a single mom is that it seems SO overwhelming before hand, but after having my children, I realize that I really could have done it by myself, although certainly it would not be easy. I have friends now in this position-contemplating single motherhood and I wish I could convey that but of course I am not single.

Let me just clarify for the record that a single mom by choice can be one who had a baby on her own or who adopted. I'm a multiple poster on this thread who adopted as a single woman.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a bit of romanticizing about being a single mom. I would want to make sure I was very financially secure-- with some sort of safety net, before I intentionally became a single mother.