what to say to single friend who wants family, but it's not happening...

[Anonymous]

I am in my early 40s and still single.

What I really, truly wish is that friends who got married in their late 20's and early 30's would have just leveled with me and told me to settle and to be more candid in how they ended up settling instead of pretending their DH were awesome, amazing and did everything perfectly.

Yes, now I have the perspective to understand. But back then, in the thick of wallowing in my own alone- ness, I kept hearing how wonderful and great all these guys were that my friends had and every guy that came along I seemed to find some flaw with and so did they.

If a friend had just said "meh, so he's got a few flaws so does my DH but the majority is ok and quite frankly I didn't want to be single forever and I really wanted to start a family, etc..." Sure some friends really have found a gem of a guy but the overwhelming majority have found your average guy with flaws.

Now obviously this applies to guys who had no major flaws such as being an addict, criminal, no job/homeless, serious mental illness, etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ I meant that to sound nice, not snarky.

It sounded to me as if you really appreciate all your friend has done and see that, for whatever reason, sometimes others under appreciate her. Not at all snarky. You sound like a wonderful friend.

Not that your having built a family isn't special (I think it is and am sure you are NOT boring), but it is funny what we tend to recognize in others as success. I was thinking this just the other day reading yet another story about a celebrity who (once again) lost weight. I joked to a friend that I should gain 20lbs so I could lose it and be some hero. I'm sure your friend is lucky to have you seeing her life for what it is and what it is worth.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the idea to suggest egg freezing. You wouldn't want her to settle for a less-than-optimal man because she's feeling the biological clock ticking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in my early 40s and still single.

What I really, truly wish is that friends who got married in their late 20's and early 30's would have just leveled with me and told me to settle and to be more candid in how they ended up settling instead of pretending their DH were awesome, amazing and did everything perfectly.

Yes, now I have the perspective to understand. But back then, in the thick of wallowing in my own alone- ness, I kept hearing how wonderful and great all these guys were that my friends had and every guy that came along I seemed to find some flaw with and so did they.

If a friend had just said "meh, so he's got a few flaws so does my DH but the majority is ok and quite frankly I didn't want to be single forever and I really wanted to start a family, etc..." Sure some friends really have found a gem of a guy but the overwhelming majority have found your average guy with flaws.

Now obviously this applies to guys who had no major flaws such as being an addict, criminal, no job/homeless, serious mental illness, etc...

Completely agree with this. As one who waited until I was 40 to get married (and then went on to have 2 kids, by the grace of God), I strongly suggest that you tell your friend to re-evaluate her criteria. Contrary to other posters, I think she should wait to find a husband first, and that is where she should be putting her energy now. The "it will happen when you least expect it line" is total BS at her age... that is true when you're in college, maybe, but after that, you have to really work at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in my early 40s and still single.

What I really, truly wish is that friends who got married in their late 20's and early 30's would have just leveled with me and told me to settle and to be more candid in how they ended up settling instead of pretending their DH were awesome, amazing and did everything perfectly.

Yes, now I have the perspective to understand. But back then, in the thick of wallowing in my own alone- ness, I kept hearing how wonderful and great all these guys were that my friends had and every guy that came along I seemed to find some flaw with and so did they.

If a friend had just said "meh, so he's got a few flaws so does my DH but the majority is ok and quite frankly I didn't want to be single forever and I really wanted to start a family, etc..." Sure some friends really have found a gem of a guy but the overwhelming majority have found your average guy with flaws.

Now obviously this applies to guys who had no major flaws such as being an addict, criminal, no job/homeless, serious mental illness, etc...

Completely agree with this. As one who waited until I was 40 to get married (and then went on to have 2 kids, by the grace of God), I strongly suggest that you tell your friend to re-evaluate her criteria. Contrary to other posters, I think she should wait to find a husband first, and that is where she should be putting her energy now. The "it will happen when you least expect it line" is total BS at her age... that is true when you're in college, maybe, but after that, you have to really work at it.

I'm the pp with the recent breakup friend. I agree with this too, for sure. But it's also not that easy to settle. My friend actually finally realizes that her married friends didn't find their "soul mates" or perfect men. We were just talking the other day about how great her boring ex-ex-boyfriend is looking now. But the last guy was a complete douche. Not even remotely settling-worthy. This is why our conversation was focused on how to find the right type of guys moving forward (not perfect, but suitable).

But it is important to emphasize this. That's sort of what I was getting at in talking about what to look for in a "father" not just a boyfriend. I suppose that's my way of helping her with finding a good person to settle on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in my early 40s and still single.

What I really, truly wish is that friends who got married in their late 20's and early 30's would have just leveled with me and told me to settle and to be more candid in how they ended up settling instead of pretending their DH were awesome, amazing and did everything perfectly.

Yes, now I have the perspective to understand. But back then, in the thick of wallowing in my own alone- ness, I kept hearing how wonderful and great all these guys were that my friends had and every guy that came along I seemed to find some flaw with and so did they.

If a friend had just said "meh, so he's got a few flaws so does my DH but the majority is ok and quite frankly I didn't want to be single forever and I really wanted to start a family, etc..." Sure some friends really have found a gem of a guy but the overwhelming majority have found your average guy with flaws.

Now obviously this applies to guys who had no major flaws such as being an addict, criminal, no job/homeless, serious mental illness, etc...

Completely agree with this. As one who waited until I was 40 to get married (and then went on to have 2 kids, by the grace of God), I strongly suggest that you tell your friend to re-evaluate her criteria. Contrary to other posters, I think she should wait to find a husband first, and that is where she should be putting her energy now. The "it will happen when you least expect it line" is total BS at her age... that is true when you're in college, maybe, but after that, you have to really work at it.

I'm the pp with the recent breakup friend. I agree with this too, for sure. But it's also not that easy to settle. My friend actually finally realizes that her married friends didn't find their "soul mates" or perfect men. We were just talking the other day about how great her boring ex-ex-boyfriend is looking now. But the last guy was a complete douche. Not even remotely settling-worthy. This is why our conversation was focused on how to find the right type of guys moving forward (not perfect, but suitable).

But it is important to emphasize this. That's sort of what I was getting at in talking about what to look for in a "father" not just a boyfriend. I suppose that's my way of helping her with finding a good person to settle on.

I am the poster who you first quoted and I am bolding bc this can be part of the problem. I am sure you have the best intentions but unless his flaw is one of the biggies - addict, criminal, serious mental illness - just being a "complete douche" Isn't a reason I now thing is enough to write a guy him off. could describe 90% of my friend's DH's this way. Remember that from the outside things always look different. I would bet that of those 90%, probably 10% of friends would agree wholeheartedly, the other 80% would say "yeah, he can be a douche but he has really good moments too so I put up with it..." and that's what I am getting out. Sometimes you do have to just settle and accept the crappy days and moments with good ones even if at times the crappy ones may outweigh the good ones for a few years.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom by chance, not by choice, and as I get older I tell all my friends to freeze or IVF with donor sperm. My one friend who is 34 laughs it off that she will meet someone but she is single, must marry a Jewish man, and has had two failed engagements already. IMO, it takes ~3 years from meeting one's potential husband to having a baby. At 37, the odds are still good but I wouldn't gamble when it comes to a baby.

I would rather be a single mom than never have a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in my early 40s and still single.

What I really, truly wish is that friends who got married in their late 20's and early 30's would have just leveled with me and told me to settle and to be more candid in how they ended up settling instead of pretending their DH were awesome, amazing and did everything perfectly.

Yes, now I have the perspective to understand. But back then, in the thick of wallowing in my own alone- ness, I kept hearing how wonderful and great all these guys were that my friends had and every guy that came along I seemed to find some flaw with and so did they.

If a friend had just said "meh, so he's got a few flaws so does my DH but the majority is ok and quite frankly I didn't want to be single forever and I really wanted to start a family, etc..." Sure some friends really have found a gem of a guy but the overwhelming majority have found your average guy with flaws.

Now obviously this applies to guys who had no major flaws such as being an addict, criminal, no job/homeless, serious mental illness, etc...

Completely agree with this. As one who waited until I was 40 to get married (and then went on to have 2 kids, by the grace of God), I strongly suggest that you tell your friend to re-evaluate her criteria. Contrary to other posters, I think she should wait to find a husband first, and that is where she should be putting her energy now. The "it will happen when you least expect it line" is total BS at her age... that is true when you're in college, maybe, but after that, you have to really work at it.

I'm the pp with the recent breakup friend. I agree with this too, for sure. But it's also not that easy to settle. My friend actually finally realizes that her married friends didn't find their "soul mates" or perfect men. We were just talking the other day about how great her boring ex-ex-boyfriend is looking now. But the last guy was a complete douche. Not even remotely settling-worthy. This is why our conversation was focused on how to find the right type of guys moving forward (not perfect, but suitable).

But it is important to emphasize this. That's sort of what I was getting at in talking about what to look for in a "father" not just a boyfriend. I suppose that's my way of helping her with finding a good person to settle on.

I am the poster who you first quoted and I am bolding bc this can be part of the problem. I am sure you have the best intentions but unless his flaw is one of the biggies - addict, criminal, serious mental illness - just being a "complete douche" Isn't a reason I now thing is enough to write a guy him off. could describe 90% of my friend's DH's this way. Remember that from the outside things always look different. I would bet that of those 90%, probably 10% of friends would agree wholeheartedly, the other 80% would say "yeah, he can be a douche but he has really good moments too so I put up with it..." and that's what I am getting out. Sometimes you do have to just settle and accept the crappy days and moments with good ones even if at times the crappy ones may outweigh the good ones for a few years.

Disagree. I'm a lot happier as a single mom by choice than several friends I know who settled for Mr. Wrong just so they could get the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single mom by chance, not by choice, and as I get older I tell all my friends to freeze or IVF with donor sperm. My one friend who is 34 laughs it off that she will meet someone but she is single, must marry a Jewish man, and has had two failed engagements already. IMO, it takes ~3 years from meeting one's potential husband to having a baby. At 37, the odds are still good but I wouldn't gamble when it comes to a baby.

I would rather be a single mom than never have a child.

+1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in my early 40s and still single.

What I really, truly wish is that friends who got married in their late 20's and early 30's would have just leveled with me and told me to settle and to be more candid in how they ended up settling instead of pretending their DH were awesome, amazing and did everything perfectly.

Yes, now I have the perspective to understand. But back then, in the thick of wallowing in my own alone- ness, I kept hearing how wonderful and great all these guys were that my friends had and every guy that came along I seemed to find some flaw with and so did they.

If a friend had just said "meh, so he's got a few flaws so does my DH but the majority is ok and quite frankly I didn't want to be single forever and I really wanted to start a family, etc..." Sure some friends really have found a gem of a guy but the overwhelming majority have found your average guy with flaws.

Now obviously this applies to guys who had no major flaws such as being an addict, criminal, no job/homeless, serious mental illness, etc...

Completely agree with this. As one who waited until I was 40 to get married (and then went on to have 2 kids, by the grace of God), I strongly suggest that you tell your friend to re-evaluate her criteria. Contrary to other posters, I think she should wait to find a husband first, and that is where she should be putting her energy now. The "it will happen when you least expect it line" is total BS at her age... that is true when you're in college, maybe, but after that, you have to really work at it.

I'm the pp with the recent breakup friend. I agree with this too, for sure. But it's also not that easy to settle. My friend actually finally realizes that her married friends didn't find their "soul mates" or perfect men. We were just talking the other day about how great her boring ex-ex-boyfriend is looking now. But the last guy was a complete douche. Not even remotely settling-worthy. This is why our conversation was focused on how to find the right type of guys moving forward (not perfect, but suitable).

But it is important to emphasize this. That's sort of what I was getting at in talking about what to look for in a "father" not just a boyfriend. I suppose that's my way of helping her with finding a good person to settle on.

I am the poster who you first quoted and I am bolding bc this can be part of the problem. I am sure you have the best intentions but unless his flaw is one of the biggies - addict, criminal, serious mental illness - just being a "complete douche" Isn't a reason I now thing is enough to write a guy him off. could describe 90% of my friend's DH's this way. Remember that from the outside things always look different. I would bet that of those 90%, probably 10% of friends would agree wholeheartedly, the other 80% would say "yeah, he can be a douche but he has really good moments too so I put up with it..." and that's what I am getting out. Sometimes you do have to just settle and accept the crappy days and moments with good ones even if at times the crappy ones may outweigh the good ones for a few years.

Disagree. I'm a lot happier as a single mom by choice than several friends I know who settled for Mr. Wrong just so they could get the baby.

I have friends who married a sperm donor (could have told you the guys were no good but subconsciously they wanted babies and knew they were losing time), and have nasty, expensive custody battles to show for it (that money can buy insemination or fertility treatments instead, or, by the by, a college fund), with the added bonus that the jackass is still in their lives, and is now the other parent in their child's lives, and they have the right to spend time with their children, unsupervised.

There's being reasonable in your expectations, accepting, even embracing imperfections, losing the idea that "there's always something better around the corner"--but that's not settling.

I think it's better to be a single mom deliberately than to tie yourself and your children to the wrong man. If you are determined to find a man, not willing to do it alone, then bypass what you think makes a good boyfriend and go straight to looking for the guy who makes a good father, and is a loyal family man. And do not expect him to be the source of your emotional security--turn to others for that, that's too much burden on one person anyway.

[Anonymous]

Good friends with a single mother who - after not finding anyone - went for it. Her biggest hang up was that she would not have the support system or that she wouldn't be able to "do it herself." She just needed to hear from a few people that she COULD do it (many people have) and that her friends would be there to support her.

Her son is 4 and she is a great mom. In fact, if I were to be honest, she is way more put together on most days and more organized than I am. There are support groups for single moms who choose to be single moms. I would not (as someone else has suggested) tell her that she will "meet the right person" or "it will happen" because it might not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in my early 40s and still single.

What I really, truly wish is that friends who got married in their late 20's and early 30's would have just leveled with me and told me to settle and to be more candid in how they ended up settling instead of pretending their DH were awesome, amazing and did everything perfectly.

Yes, now I have the perspective to understand. But back then, in the thick of wallowing in my own alone- ness, I kept hearing how wonderful and great all these guys were that my friends had and every guy that came along I seemed to find some flaw with and so did they.

If a friend had just said "meh, so he's got a few flaws so does my DH but the majority is ok and quite frankly I didn't want to be single forever and I really wanted to start a family, etc..." Sure some friends really have found a gem of a guy but the overwhelming majority have found your average guy with flaws.

Now obviously this applies to guys who had no major flaws such as being an addict, criminal, no job/homeless, serious mental illness, etc...

Completely agree with this. As one who waited until I was 40 to get married (and then went on to have 2 kids, by the grace of God), I strongly suggest that you tell your friend to re-evaluate her criteria. Contrary to other posters, I think she should wait to find a husband first, and that is where she should be putting her energy now. The "it will happen when you least expect it line" is total BS at her age... that is true when you're in college, maybe, but after that, you have to really work at it.

I'm the pp with the recent breakup friend. I agree with this too, for sure. But it's also not that easy to settle. My friend actually finally realizes that her married friends didn't find their "soul mates" or perfect men. We were just talking the other day about how great her boring ex-ex-boyfriend is looking now. But the last guy was a complete douche. Not even remotely settling-worthy. This is why our conversation was focused on how to find the right type of guys moving forward (not perfect, but suitable).

But it is important to emphasize this. That's sort of what I was getting at in talking about what to look for in a "father" not just a boyfriend. I suppose that's my way of helping her with finding a good person to settle on.

I am the poster who you first quoted and I am bolding bc this can be part of the problem. I am sure you have the best intentions but unless his flaw is one of the biggies - addict, criminal, serious mental illness - just being a "complete douche" Isn't a reason I now thing is enough to write a guy him off. could describe 90% of my friend's DH's this way. Remember that from the outside things always look different. I would bet that of those 90%, probably 10% of friends would agree wholeheartedly, the other 80% would say "yeah, he can be a douche but he has really good moments too so I put up with it..." and that's what I am getting out. Sometimes you do have to just settle and accept the crappy days and moments with good ones even if at times the crappy ones may outweigh the good ones for a few years.

Disagree. I'm a lot happier as a single mom by choice than several friends I know who settled for Mr. Wrong just so they could get the baby.

Perfectly said.

[Anonymous]

I'm extremely happy as a single mom by choice. And frankly the whole marriage thing has a lot less appeal than it used to. I still would like a partner in my life - but I don't necessarily feel the need to marry. I am quite happy as is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely happy as a single mom by choice. And frankly the whole marriage thing has a lot less appeal than it used to. I still would like a partner in my life - but I don't necessarily feel the need to marry. I am quite happy as is.

SMC by Choice too. As I age, marriage has lost its shine but the idea of a male partner is very appealing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 40+, trying to conceive, I wish someone at 35 had suggested that I should try to be a single mom, sooner rather than later--my friends were horrified when I mentioned it, with the platitudes, "you'll find someone".

I didn't, and I waited too long.

You can be the one that empowers her to go for it. It's not as scary as it sounds once you decide to do it. However, infertility, particularly because you waited too long, is MORE difficult than it sounds, and if you can help her avoid it, you will have given her a gift.

If you want a family, then sometimes, it is a godsend to accept that it will come in a different order, a different manner, than your plan A.

I'm dating still, and fully expect that I have as much chance of finding a man to fill out the picture as I did before.

The man can wait, the child cannot, that's the reality of the bio clock.

That's so smart. I know some women who adopted or gave birth to babies as single moms by choice. I so admire what they decided to do, for lots of reasons, among them not being afraid to go for what they want even when it bucks expectations. I wish you the best of luck!