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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am in my early 40s and still single.

What I really, truly wish is that friends who got married in their late 20's and early 30's would have just leveled with me and told me to settle and to be more candid in how they ended up settling instead of pretending their DH were awesome, amazing and did everything perfectly.

Yes, now I have the perspective to understand. But back then, in the thick of wallowing in my own alone- ness, I kept hearing how wonderful and great all these guys were that my friends had and every guy that came along I seemed to find some flaw with and so did they.

If a friend had just said "meh, so he's got a few flaws so does my DH but the majority is ok and quite frankly I didn't want to be single forever and I really wanted to start a family, etc..."  Sure some friends really have found a gem of a guy but the overwhelming majority have found your average guy with flaws.

Now obviously this applies to guys who had no major flaws such as being an addict, criminal, no job/homeless, serious mental illness, etc...
[/quote]

Completely agree with this. As one who waited until I was 40 to get married (and then went on to have 2 kids, by the grace of God), I strongly suggest that you tell your friend to re-evaluate her criteria. Contrary to other posters, I think she should wait to find a husband first, and that is where she should be putting her energy now. The "it will happen when you least expect it line" is total BS at her age... that is true when you're in college, maybe, but after that, you have to really work at it.[/quote]

I'm the pp with the recent breakup friend. I agree with this too, for sure. But it's also not that easy to settle. My friend actually finally realizes that her married friends didn't find their "soul mates" or perfect men. We were just talking the other day about how great her boring ex-ex-boyfriend is looking now.[b] But the last guy was a complete douche. Not even remotely settling-worthy[/b]. This is why our conversation was focused on how to find the right type of guys moving forward (not perfect, but suitable).

But it is important to emphasize this. That's sort of what I was getting at in talking about what to look for in a "father" not just a boyfriend. I suppose that's my way of helping her with finding a good person to settle on. [/quote]

I am the poster who you first quoted and I am bolding bc this can be part of the problem. I am sure you have the best intentions but unless his flaw is one of the biggies - addict, criminal, serious mental illness - just being a "complete douche" Isn't a reason I now thing is enough to write a guy him off.  could describe 90% of my friend's DH's this way. Remember that from the outside things always look different.  I would bet that of those 90%, probably 10% of friends would agree wholeheartedly, the other 80% would say "yeah, he can be a douche but he has really good moments too so I put up with it..." and that's what I am getting out. Sometimes you do have to just settle and accept the crappy days and moments with good ones even if at times the crappy ones may outweigh the good ones for a few years.[/quote]

Disagree.  I'm a lot happier as a single mom by choice than several friends I know who settled for Mr. Wrong just so they could get the baby.[/quote]

I also disagree. I waited till my late 30s to get married, and I'm just thankful as anything that I did. My husband has his flaws, indeed - and we fight about lots of them; others are just the way things are - but he is the only man I've ever been with where it doesn't feel like settling.

I think there's a difference between setting realistic expectations and settling. Setting realistic expectations, and disabusing yourself of stupid unhelpful princess (or whatever) fantasies might be construed as settling, I suppose. (For example, I used to only date very thin guys; my husband is a bear of a man. It took me a good long while to get my mind around being with someone who isn't physically fit.) But I never felt like I was marrying down, or whatever. I feel lucky (knock wood) even with the compromises.

Anyway, that is my perspective. It's stupid to look perfection and it's dumb to hold onto unrealistic fantasies about the perfect man. But you shouldn't feel like you're settling. Being married to the wrong person seems a surefire path to a very unhappy life.[/quote]

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