what to say to single friend who wants family, but it's not happening...
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Anonymous
| This isn't exactly an infertility question, but I hope you can help me. My single girl friend is in her mid 30s and not in a relationship. Having a family has always been her #1 priority, but understandably she is starting to feel very stressed b/c she does not have a man in her life and is not sure how she is going to make it happen. I want to be supportive of her and I know that hearing "it will all work out when you least expect it" and "try not to worry, it will happen" etc., while very well intentioned, do not give her any comfort. Does anyone know from personal experience what actually helps to hear in this situation? I don't want to say anything that just makes her feel worse and I really want to be there for her and try to help. Thanks in advance! |
Anonymous
| A couple things. First, you're right not to give her any of those platitudes. They rarely help. Second, don't bring this topic up if she doesn't first, not that I think that was your intention. Third, try to mostly listen. She probably needs to vent and get these frustrations out in a safe place, as opposed to one where she's trying to be "on" and positive for a date or other social outing where she has the potential to meet someone. Open up the venting session into a conversation by leading with "what can I do?" Does she want you to help her with set ups? With an online dating profile? With some strategy sessions for how to go about starting a family on her own? With coming up with a fun list of celebrities who have had babies at 40+? (Yes, I know they are in a different boat than most of us with financial options, may not be forthcoming with their own infertility battles, etc, but that's another rant for another day and not one for this conversation). With making plans to do things that you can't do while pregnant or (at least not easily) once you have kids? |
Anonymous
|
I think empathy is best in this situation.
Instead of "it will all work out", which it might not. How about say, "that must be really tough. Do you want to talk about it?" Then listen to what she has to say. Try not to "make her feel better" because there is probably nothing that can make her feel better. Just listen, and be a good friend. |
Anonymous
This but if she is a really good friend and you think she might be open to it, ask if she wants to brain storm options with you. If I had understood that it was possible and that I had the option, I might have frozen some eggs in my earlier 30s. (I started with an RE at 35 and eggs don't seem to be my issue but I wish that I'd been able to start at 31 ... I just wasn't there yet. This might provide her with a way of feeling proactive?!) |
Anonymous
| I had one of my single female friends in her mid-30s ask me (an IF alum) if she should freeze her eggs. Imagine having that awkward conversation! (My answer was yes) |
Anonymous
| She should look into single mothers by choice. |
Anonymous
| Tell her to freeze her eggs. Not only might it be useful in the future, but it may also take some of the pressure off to find a guy and start a family. At the least, she'll improve her ability to have a child as a single mom by choice if the guy never shows up. |
Anonymous
| 44 and single. TTC/adopt. I would be thankful for friends who cared enough to suggest/encourage these options. Nobody suggested them to me. But once I decided to "go fir it" on my own - everyone was very supportive. |
Anonymous
| *for |
Anonymous
| This I really interesting. One of my oldest and dear friends recently broke up with her boyfriend. She's mid thirties and always wanted a family (not even a question). We just went out the other night and were talking about how not to make the same mistakes with dating, what to look for in a husband and more importantly a father, what red flags she missed with the last guy, etc. It never occured to me to talk about fertility (though it was in the back of my mind, I never thought it would have been appropriate). I'm wondering if I should say something if another opportunity arises? |
Anonymous
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When I was in that boat, I would have appreciated a reminder that I was every bit as valid a woman/member of society even if I never had a baby. I would also have appreciated a reminder that there could be plenty of love and happiness in my life even without biological kids. And that parenthood is really damn hard, and there is something to be said for being able to be "selfish" with your childless time (and that being "selfish" with time can include lots of socially useful contributions that have to be put on hold for a good while when you have a kid, like volunteering and spoiling nieces and nephews).
In my mid 30s I sooo wanted to have a baby that it hurt, and I felt ashamed not to have gotten there yet. Now that I have a baby, I wish someone had told me to treasure what I had then! |
Anonymous
This is me, too. I so wish friends had opened the conversation about having kids sooner. No idea why the PP thought the convo about freezing eggs was awkward. I'm an infertility veteran as well and I've had many of those convos and lots of questions from single women still trying to decide what to do. |
Anonymous
Thank you, pp. I'm the pp above you with the friend with a recent break up. She is such an amazing and strong and important woman. She's a business owner, an activist for causes that are important to her, she hosts charity events, social events, and does a million things that I could never do as a SAHM (or as anything, for that matter). We recently went to a reunion event together and I felt so awkward that everyone kept asking about husbands and kids. Her accomplishments and life are so amazing and interesting and I'm so boring but have 2 kids, yet people seemed more intersted in my kids. I don't really know what I'm rambling about. I should be telling HER how amazing she is instead of you all. |
Anonymous
| ^^^ I meant that to sound nice, not snarky. |
Anonymous
|
I'm 40+, trying to conceive, I wish someone at 35 had suggested that I should try to be a single mom, sooner rather than later--my friends were horrified when I mentioned it, with the platitudes, "you'll find someone".
I didn't, and I waited too long. You can be the one that empowers her to go for it. It's not as scary as it sounds once you decide to do it. However, infertility, particularly because you waited too long, is MORE difficult than it sounds, and if you can help her avoid it, you will have given her a gift. If you want a family, then sometimes, it is a godsend to accept that it will come in a different order, a different manner, than your plan A. I'm dating still, and fully expect that I have as much chance of finding a man to fill out the picture as I did before. The man can wait, the child cannot, that's the reality of the bio clock. |