what to say to single friend who wants family, but it's not happening...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single mother by choice to a 2-year old and have another on the way. I've never been happier!

How fabulous for YOU, that YOU'VE never been happier. But to hell with your kids, of course, who will never have a father.

WTF? Having to share custody with a douchebag that you divorced can be a far worse fate for the children involved than having your act together, having a support network, and choosing to do it on your own. 50% of marriages end in divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is not so much you can really say to another person about such a big life choice. She might explore single mothers by choice and see if that works for her. She might enjoy "Why don't you have Kids" a book about life without kids. Some people are just so focused on the desire to have a family that they do not think about the reality of having kids. Can be the greatest thing, but can have a great life without them. Have done both, so speaking from experience.

If you have kids then you cant speak about having a life without them. That is a decision with some finality, not a short term that you are speaking of

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a bit of romanticizing about being a single mom. I would want to make sure I was very financially secure-- with some sort of safety net, before I intentionally became a single mother.

As someone going through the process now, I think the difficulty is over-sensationalized--rather than any kind of romanticization of it. Single motherhood is treated as a scourge in the media and the source of all society's ills--when the reality is, I will have many fewer hassles than my friends who have alcoholic, criminal, and disabled (Aspergers, to the point of being scary) exes to whom they're tied and to whom they have to turn their children over for visits once a week.

Money can come and go during your child's lifetime. Couples start families without all finances in place and guess what--over the years they catch up. I thought I needed X, but waiting has me spending on fertility treatments what could have been the start of a college fund.

If you ask single mothers by choice, they are glad they did it (it's after all a deliberate choice and not an accident) MANY, many, if not most, will say they wish they'd done it earlier.

The scariest part is deciding to do it. Once you're in the process, it's not scary--you know what you want and there is a lot of support out there. In my support groups, the women have generally undertaken this route because they DO have a lot of support. I know I wouldn't be doing it if I thought I was truly alone. I have a large extended family and loving grandparents waiting for this baby.

This is no one's first choice, but often, we're lucky even to HAVE a second choice, and then, to get that second choice.

The worst choice of all for me would be to not be a mother.

[Anonymous]

15:56

I am in your shoes. I love your post. Thank you.

And good luck!

[Anonymous]

For some SMCs, it is their first choice. We are a diverse group.