Suspect Husband of Beign Homosexual

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really hard and not so black and white. I could see a man doing something as goofy as this to figure things out INSTEAD of seeking medical help. It's believeable, but of course you don't want to be a fool either.

Not clear on this. Do you think medical help will "cure" him?

No. Her husband thought something was wrong with him, so instead of seeing a doctor, he conducted his own experiment. If he truly thinks something is wrong with him he needs to see a doctor, not download pictures of underware models.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Its been just one day since I discovered the pictures. I was very upset and told my husband I could not believe anything he said in his defense.

He tried very hard to convince me that he was experimenting in desparation to see if the cause of his PERIODIC erection problems could be that he is gay. I have often asked him if he thinks the reason for the problems could be b/c he is gay.

So, being the scientist that he is, he decided to try an experiment. He went to various websites and print off picutres fo althlethes; he also went to some gay porne websites and said he was turned off my this.

He felt that maybe if he was repressing something the graphic site of penises and the gay porne might very well turn him off. so then he proceeded to collect some pictures of althetes; moviestars, etc -- mostly in underwear with chest showing. He explained that he tried hard to see if he would be stimulated by these pictures but he could not get aroused. He tried this about three more times and happily gave up.

He felt that he was frustrated with the periodic roadblocks of erectile problems without medication (ok when he uses medication).

So, this is a lot to decipher. I am reflecting on things and will speak with my therapist today.

I am 39. So, yes the clock is ticking. I am not sure if I should give up my opportunity to have a child. But some of you do have solid points: the possiblity of him coming to some more confusion down the road; leaving me as single parent and my poort child without the presence of its father.

Still resolving.

He might have ED. But I suspect that he might have something (hormone imbalance or medication or depression) that is interfering with his libido, ie, his desire to have sex. It could have nothing to do with his identity or your attractiveness to him.

[Anonymous]

Guys can be very quirky. It could be that as between something being wrong with his "equipment" and that he's gay, he'd rather be gay, though most guys I know tend a little toward homophobic (the non-gay ones, that is). Clearly the ED could be caused by many things, but maybe it's more threatening to his sense of self. I think the therapy is a good idea. Even if you ultimately end the relationship, doing it after having worked through this seems healthiest for all concerned IMHO.

Sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that she has to cancel plans for children.

What if she's over 40 and both she and her husband really want kids? There are all kinds of single women out there who are turning to donors, and their children won't have the benefit of a father. (I'm not saying that fathers are 100% necessary, so no offense intended).

I'm not saying that it's something that she should pursue blindly.

She does need to figure out the status of her marriage, so that she and her husband can decide if they would want to co-parent even in the case of separation and divorce. If they love each other (in a non-sexual way) and the child, then they might still achieve at least some of their life's goals together.

OP, I would do as this post says, and think about continuing with the child thing. He could be a good parent. You might not find anyone else soon enough to have kids.
BTW, make sure he gets tested for HIV on a regular basis as you go through this, maybe even freeze sperm, and test serially.

[Anonymous]

Also, I would have the kids, but still divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He tried very hard to convince me that he was experimenting in desparation to see if the cause of his PERIODIC erection problems could be that he is gay. I have often asked him if he thinks the reason for the problems could be b/c he is gay.

OP - if you have often asked him if the reason for the ED is he might be gay - maybe that has caused him some additional stress.

My DH had some ED issues and I never thought it was because he might be gay. He finally went to a doctor and they gave him some medicine and he no longer has any problems. He had been having ED issues since he was a young man (he's 41 now).

Maybe he's questioning himself becuase you've been questioning him for so long. That has to wear down on one's self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Are there any signs of homosexuality other than the ED?

I dated a guy that later ended up gay (we broke up b/c of the poor sex). In hind sight, he was always very gay.

[Anonymous]

Op...Im curious how your relationship really was, both physically and emotionaly, prior to finding these photos?

If your relationship was a usual relationship, going through usual relationship hurdles and you love your husband and he loves you, Id seek counseling.
I know that its difficult to not be upset at your husband. But I urge you to try and calmly talk about this with him, how he feels, regarding being gay, and not be angry. Being angry might scare him off and he might not be able to express to you his true feelings in fear of hurting you or upseting you more. This is one case where "being the bigger person" might go further than you thought.
And who knows, maybe he had no idea he was gay (not to say that he IS in fact gay) and maybe he's just discovering this.

Like a previous poster, I too, like looking at pictures of nude women...I dont consider myself to be bisexual. Only because I could never see myself having an actual relationship with a woman, or fall in love with one. I just like seeing them naked. But I love my husband and wouldnt ever cheat on him, it's just a fantasy maybe?

Good luck, Op...I hope you find whats best for you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

I just finished reading a book titled * the gift of fear*
In the book it tells us to trust our instinct. A good read for me i must say.

anyways. i find it strange that your husband had to use pictures of men.
why not use some pictures of women..

Trust me he is Gay..
My advice is take time apart to think things thru..
go away or whatever works best for both u and then do what you think is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another reason not to continue with IVF even if you really do want children right away-- if you want to be a single parent, you should consider whether you prefer an anonymous donor with no parental rights or an ex-spouse with parental rights.

As a divorced parent with joint legal custody, I can't imagine voluntarily producing a child with someone I knew I'd be divorcing, and voluntarily enduring the hardship and heartache of being shackled to that person through my child.

Thanks for sharing this. Was he having erection problems while you were together?

You're welcome. My divorce was unrelated to sexual orientation issues. We broke up because we were horrible together and there was no love between us. I was posting to say that you should not create a child with someone who will have full parental rights if you are breaking up with that someone. It's a nightmare. Want to move out of the city? Go to court. Want to see your child on her birthday even though that's "his" day with her? No way. Want to make sure that your child is taken to the doctor when she has a fever and not dropped off at preschool because he knows you'll pick up and take her? Ha. Want to avoid seeing someone who reminds you of pain and sadness every week? Too bad, so sad. Want to live with your child every day? Nope.

Choosing to sign up for custody with someone you dislike-- and in this case, someone who is minimally going through a psychiatric/physiological issue, and more likely in for an emotionally turbulent major life change-- is nothing short of self-abuse. You are shackled to that ex for the rest of your life. Your next partner has the joy of seeing your struggles with said ex.

I have single friends who adopted and I can tell you unequivocally that especially where there are serious problems between exes and very young children involved, joint custody is far more challenging than pure single parenthood. You have all of the work and exhaustion but not the autonomy to raise your child as you know is best, or protect your child every day. And this man stays in your life, no matter how bad things get between you.

Donor sperm just isn't that hard to get.

If the OP is old enough to feel that time is running out, remember that adoption is an option. If you think you won't feel like a "real" parent, think how unlike a real parent you'll feel when you have to take turns with Christmas or Hannukah.

[Anonymous]

Another happily married woman with a child (and trying for another) who is also attracted to women chiming in here to say that looking at same-sex porn doesn't mean you're gay and being bisexual doesn't make you a bad or unfaithful spouse. Sexuality is complicated and personal. Explore this with your husband before you kick him to the curb.

I also agree, though, that sexual dysfunction can be an important indicator of a generally dysfunctional relationship. In a relationship before my marriage I put up with it and then in hindsight realized that for the relationship to have been successful we would eventually have had to address the problem. He wasn't gay, by the way, just really, really self-involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[
Its been just one day since I discovered the pictures. I was very upset and told my husband I could not believe anything he said in his defense.

He tried very hard to convince me that he was experimenting in desparation to see if the cause of his PERIODIC erection problems could be that he is gay. I have often asked him if he thinks the reason for the problems could be b/c he is gay.

So, being the scientist that he is, he decided to try an experiment. He went to various websites and print off picutres fo althlethes; he also went to some gay porne websites and said he was turned off my this.

He felt that maybe if he was repressing something the graphic site of penises and the gay porne might very well turn him off. so then he proceeded to collect some pictures of althetes; moviestars, etc -- mostly in underwear with chest showing. He explained that he tried hard to see if he would be stimulated by these pictures but he could not get aroused. He tried this about three more times and happily gave up.

He felt that he was frustrated with the periodic roadblocks of erectile problems without medication (ok when he uses medication).

So, this is a lot to decipher. I am reflecting on things and will speak with my therapist today.

I am 39. So, yes the clock is ticking. I am not sure if I should give up my opportunity to have a child. But some of you do have solid points: the possiblity of him coming to some more confusion down the road; leaving me as single parent and my poort child without the presence of its father.

Still resolving.

It seems to me you question his sexual leanings more than him. Why would you keep asking him if he is gay if he is experiencing erection problems? I think a more helpful approach would have been to suggest seeing a doctor so they could do a physical exam.

I'm sorry, but I can't help feeling you played a big role in this drama.

[Anonymous]

People, I think we should drop the talk about having a baby -- this couple has much bigger issues they need to resolve before becoming parents.

[Anonymous]

op do you want to be married to someone who has these type of issues? That is really what it boils down to, and does he want to be married to a women? I would give him emotional support, he will most likely need it, and leave. You can stay friends. Just be grateful you do not have children, because really, regardless of the reason, divorce sucks when a child is involved. Good luck to you. Please remember that being gay is not a disease or a choice. It may of taken him this long to figure it out or accept it. Not fair to you, but life sometimes isn't fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[
Its been just one day since I discovered the pictures. I was very upset and told my husband I could not believe anything he said in his defense.

He tried very hard to convince me that he was experimenting in desparation to see if the cause of his PERIODIC erection problems could be that he is gay. I have often asked him if he thinks the reason for the problems could be b/c he is gay.

So, being the scientist that he is, he decided to try an experiment. He went to various websites and print off picutres fo althlethes; he also went to some gay porne websites and said he was turned off my this.

He felt that maybe if he was repressing something the graphic site of penises and the gay porne might very well turn him off. so then he proceeded to collect some pictures of althetes; moviestars, etc -- mostly in underwear with chest showing. He explained that he tried hard to see if he would be stimulated by these pictures but he could not get aroused. He tried this about three more times and happily gave up.

He felt that he was frustrated with the periodic roadblocks of erectile problems without medication (ok when he uses medication).

So, this is a lot to decipher. I am reflecting on things and will speak with my therapist today.

I am 39. So, yes the clock is ticking. I am not sure if I should give up my opportunity to have a child. But some of you do have solid points: the possiblity of him coming to some more confusion down the road; leaving me as single parent and my poort child without the presence of its father.

Still resolving.

It seems to me you question his sexual leanings more than him. Why would you keep asking him if he is gay if he is experiencing erection problems? I think a more helpful approach would have been to suggest seeing a doctor so they could do a physical exam.

I'm sorry, but I can't help feeling you played a big role in this drama.

Her questioning his sexuality is a completely normal and vaild response. I would expect my husband to do this same if I were completely disinterested in having sex with him.

The OP has nothing to do with her husbands problems, rub a little more salt in the wound, would ya?