Suspect Husband of Beign Homosexual

[yardiegal]

I am very saddened this evening as I beleive that I found evidence of my husband possibly being a homosexual. I found a folder with about 50 or so pictures of men in underwear. The pictures were printed out on two separat days -- about two weeks apart. They were practically under the bed in a corner in the guest room.

When i confronted him he stated that since we were having problems with sex -- getting erection-- he wanted to check to see if part of the problem is whether he was attracted to men. I think this is unquestionable evidence. I dont find many straight men who would print out pictures of men and test to see whether they are aroused by it.

I beleive this is something that I cannot ignore. He has been pleading to me that it was a one time thing -- but how does he explain printing out pictures in a two-week window?

I dont want to be McGrevy's wife who ignored warning signs. We have been married for 7 yrs and togetehr for about 10.

I intend to get a divorce lawyer as soon as possible. We were even going through IVF to have kids. I dont plan to continue with the IVF. I dont know if I am acting too quickly. Could any of you ignore something like this?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is hard to give advice when one is not in this situation. I can only imagine how painful it has been for you. My only experience that is remotely close to this was dating a guy who was a closetted bisexual. It was very difficult when I learned of his situation, not so much because he had bisexual leanings but that he failed to inform me. I don't fault a person for what I believe are innate qualities, but I do fault them for hiding these secrets when they chose to involve me in their lives. Your husband might have repressed his feelings and have recently wanted to explore his emotions. It is unfortunate that you have to be on the receiving end. I would seek therapy, even if you go through with the divorce.

[Anonymous]

I learned my husband was gay 1 1/2 years into our marriage. He claimed that he never really accepted he was gay. I was furious that he never brought his confused feelings to me before we got married. I left him about 3 months later and married a wonderful man 2 years later. My advice is seek legal advice as well as therapy. Don't let him talk you into believing he can change. He won't.
Take care.

[Anonymous]

If you've been married 7 years I think therapy is warranted before a divorce lawyer.

[Anonymous]

I second PP. If you have been together that long, this is not someone who lied to you who knew he was gay. It sounds like he needs to figure some things out, and therapy sounds like the best course.

[Anonymous]

As a daughter of a gay parent, I would say no, you cannot ignore it. As a wife I would say, no you cannot ignore it. Consider it a blessing you do not already have children. Really. I second the notion for therapy (as a couple) to help you decide what to do and begin healing wounds. Also, may give you clarity on what you can live with (and not)....good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I second PP. If you have been together that long, this is not someone who lied to you who knew he was gay. It sounds like he needs to figure some things out, and therapy sounds like the best course.

Therapy does not change the fact that he is attracted to men; that's a part of who he is. Many gay people come out to themselves after several years of marriage, or even decades. He might not have lied but it is completely possible that he didn't know it or acknowledge it himself for that long. Therapy for you is a good idea because you are dealing with a major life change and a major revelation about your husband. Good for him since he is dealing with his sexual orientation as an adult. But it won't sustain a marriage between a gay man and a woman, and it won't change his desires.

You are right to cease IVF. At the very least, there is a big question mark on your marriage. Not the time to bring in pregnancy and kids. As a veteran of a divorce and custody proceeding -- you don't want it.

Consult a lawyer. You might want to consider mediation if this is going to be amicable. It will save you both the heartbreak and money of litigation,when you have quite enough to deal with already.

[Anonymous]

I would not assume that he is gay simply because he is interested in looking at pictures of men or even, if it comes to it, gay porn. After so many years, I think you owe it to yourselves to try to discuss this, without or without the help of a therapist, without coming to the table with your minds made up. Good luck in what is obviously a difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not assume that he is gay simply because he is interested in looking at pictures of men or even, if it comes to it, gay porn. After so many years, I think you owe it to yourselves to try to discuss this, without or without the help of a therapist, without coming to the table with your minds made up. Good luck in what is obviously a difficult situation.

Really? I'm not the OP but what hetero man has interest of pictures of men in their underwear (or gay porn for that matter)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you've been married 7 years I think therapy is warranted before a divorce lawyer.

Therapy for the OP or for the couple to stay together? Based on the info that the OP posted, I'd think that her was was indeed gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not assume that he is gay simply because he is interested in looking at pictures of men or even, if it comes to it, gay porn. After so many years, I think you owe it to yourselves to try to discuss this, without or without the help of a therapist, without coming to the table with your minds made up. Good luck in what is obviously a difficult situation.

Really? I'm not the OP but what hetero man has interest of pictures of men in their underwear (or gay porn for that matter)?

yeah, and then saves the printouts in a far corner of the guest room?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs that this is not a one-time thing. If it were, he would have quickly discarded the pictures, unless he were indeed aroused by them and it sounds as if he was, since he kept them.

Putting all plans to have children on hold is 100% the right thing to do. Sounds like you and your husband need couples therapy and that he also needs individual therapy, but I think you are on the right track in planning to eventually end this marriage. If he has trouble maintaining erections + you are finding pictures of men in their underwear around, yes, that is a huge cause for concern.

I wouldn't immediately file for divorce, not until you have a much better picture of what's going on here (and for that matter, until he does too) but again, I think that emotionally preparing yourself for the end is not the incorrect thing to do.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that she has to cancel plans for children.

What if she's over 40 and both she and her husband really want kids? There are all kinds of single women out there who are turning to donors, and their children won't have the benefit of a father. (I'm not saying that fathers are 100% necessary, so no offense intended).

I'm not saying that it's something that she should pursue blindly.

She does need to figure out the status of her marriage, so that she and her husband can decide if they would want to co-parent even in the case of separation and divorce. If they love each other (in a non-sexual way) and the child, then they might still achieve at least some of their life's goals together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that she has to cancel plans for children.

What if she's over 40 and both she and her husband really want kids? There are all kinds of single women out there who are turning to donors, and their children won't have the benefit of a father. (I'm not saying that fathers are 100% necessary, so no offense intended).

I'm not saying that it's something that she should pursue blindly.

She does need to figure out the status of her marriage, so that she and her husband can decide if they would want to co-parent even in the case of separation and divorce. If they love each other (in a non-sexual way) and the child, then they might still achieve at least some of their life's goals together.

This sounds so irresponsible, not to mention selfish. Please OP do not do this to your (unborn) children. To say it will create hardship for them is a incredible understatement.

Get therapy first and then decide your priorities/plans for how to get the life back that you had (or thought you had). Best of luck.

Signed,
Child of divoreced "known" gay parent who married anyway and had 2 children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that she has to cancel plans for children.

What if she's over 40 and both she and her husband really want kids? There are all kinds of single women out there who are turning to donors, and their children won't have the benefit of a father. (I'm not saying that fathers are 100% necessary, so no offense intended).

I'm not saying that it's something that she should pursue blindly.

She does need to figure out the status of her marriage, so that she and her husband can decide if they would want to co-parent even in the case of separation and divorce. If they love each other (in a non-sexual way) and the child, then they might still achieve at least some of their life's goals together.

The first couple years of having babies is a stressful time in itself. I can't imagine trying to raise the baby and also to sort out your emotions and feelings with an ex-spouse who has just come out of the closet, while you're going thru the pregnancy and then raising an infant. Both spouses are dealing with the revelation. I think there are many emotions, confusions, and anger to be hashed out and dealt with.

While I can understand that a woman's biological clock is ticking, IMHO, this is not a good time to be creating new life. An ideal time never exists, but this really is not the time.