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Suspect Husband of Beign Homosexual
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Anonymous
As the child of a father who came out to me 8 years ago, I would advise against this. My parents stayed together because of me basically and it has caused a lot of pain and suffering on all sides. I basically had no clue growing up that my father was gay and my parents seemed to have a good, if not very affectionate marriage. Looking back I suppose there were some signs, but I was clueless. Basically after I left after college the marriage fell apart and my parents were planning on divorcing 8 years ago when my father told me he was gay. For a multitude of reasons (emotional, financial), they are still together today, but my mom has a boyfriend. My mom and dad are great friends, but obviously this has caused stress for them and for me and it has caused a lot of pain recently because my DH does not really approve of how they are living (he wants them to divorce). Anyway, my point is, that times are different now and it is much more acceptable to be out than it was when my parents got married 40+ years ago. If the OP's DH is truly homosexual (and it sounds to me that he is), they should probably divorce. I do not see the benefit of bringing children into an already stressful situation. |
Anonymous
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Hi OP,
No advice, just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this. |
Anonymous
So glad someone else posted this. I agree completely. If becoming a parent is a primary goal for the OP, then she might want to consider her options rather than making a hasty decision. Although, I completely understand that she is in a place of shock and sadness and likely feeling betrayed. However, it really isn't about her and doesn't reflect on her attractiveness or loveability. It's about him and his search for integrity - and it sounds like he's tried to be relatively honest about this. |
Anonymous
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As the child of a father who came out to me 8 years ago, I would advise against this. My parents stayed together because of me basically and it has caused a lot of pain and suffering on all sides. I basically had no clue growing up that my father was gay and my parents seemed to have a good, if not very affectionate marriage. Looking back I suppose there were some signs, but I was clueless. Basically after I left after college the marriage fell apart and my parents were planning on divorcing 8 years ago when my father told me he was gay. For a multitude of reasons (emotional, financial), they are still together today, but my mom has a boyfriend. My mom and dad are great friends, but obviously this has caused stress for them and for me and it has caused a lot of pain recently because my DH does not really approve of how they are living (he wants them to divorce). Anyway, my point is, that times are different now and it is much more acceptable to be out than it was when my parents got married 40+ years ago. If the OP's DH is truly homosexual (and it sounds to me that he is), they should probably divorce. I do not see the benefit of bringing children into an already stressful situation. I just wanted to sympathize with this poster. I have a very similar situation (father came out as gay but only once well into my 20's). My parent's were already divorced but it was still stressful and just very unsettling when you had no idea ( I didn't anyway) and always thought of him in a very different light (actually very much a take-charge, alpha male). It can unground you. My kids are very young (1 and 3) but I do wonder how much we'll decide to tell them about grandpa's lifestyle once they are old enough to understand. Not that I'm ashamed or anything like that, but my Dad is not very public about this still and just not something he openly talks about and so would want to respect his privacy on the matter. Sorry to hijack OP! I do agree wholeheartedly that if your husband is gay you should absolutely not bring children into this mix. Marriage (and raising children) is hard enough as it is and this could only cause pain to your loved ones. |
Anonymous
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I would go the therapy route and dig a little deeper into the situation. I am a bisexual woman and happily married. I would never cheat on my husband with a man or woman but I do enjoy looking at porn with naked women. I do this often, sometimes with my husband, more often without him, and this does not affect my relationship with him in any way.
So it is possible that your husband's behavior may be a little kink and not full blown homosexuality. I would not start thinking about divorce until you really know the nature of the issue. |
Anonymous
Interesting post. Thank you, PP. Just curious, do you and your husband have children together? |
Anonymous
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OP also mentioned they have sexual problems- DH can't get an erection. That says to me that he's not bi, he's gay. Regardless of his sexual orientation, it's also a huge problem that he'd hide something like this from OP, especially at a time when they're going through IVF and should be open and honest about everything.
OP, I'm really sorry. If I were you, I'd proceed with a divorce and get threapy for myself. DH can't change who he is and I'd consider yourself lucky that you found out the way you did rather than through him cheating on you years later (perhaps even cheating on you, then giving you a STD). Some marital problems can be worked out, a person's sexual orientation is not one of those issues that either of you can change, even if you both wanted to. |
Anonymous
Our first child is due in November. |
Anonymous
| An almost identical thing happened to me with a long-term boyfriend (we had been living together for many years). At first, I felt sorry for him and that he depended on me and I couldn't possibly leave him. That subsided (after we had a temporary separation), and then I was absolutely furious at him for wasting all those years of my life. In many ways, I still feel like that. But, I quickly met someone new and the new relationship showed me how wrong the previous one was all along. We married and began trying for kids quickly. It's time to be selfish and brave and do what's right for you. You will be much happier in the long run. |
Anonymous
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Another reason not to continue with IVF even if you really do want children right away-- if you want to be a single parent, you should consider whether you prefer an anonymous donor with no parental rights or an ex-spouse with parental rights.
As a divorced parent with joint legal custody, I can't imagine voluntarily producing a child with someone I knew I'd be divorcing, and voluntarily enduring the hardship and heartache of being shackled to that person through my child. |
Anonymous
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Here is a resource that can be helpful - the Straight Spouse Network:
http://www.straightspouse.org/ |
Anonymous
Thanks for sharing this. Was he having erection problems while you were together? |
Anonymous
Its been just one day since I discovered the pictures. I was very upset and told my husband I could not believe anything he said in his defense. He tried very hard to convince me that he was experimenting in desparation to see if the cause of his PERIODIC erection problems could be that he is gay. I have often asked him if he thinks the reason for the problems could be b/c he is gay. So, being the scientist that he is, he decided to try an experiment. He went to various websites and print off picutres fo althlethes; he also went to some gay porne websites and said he was turned off my this. He felt that maybe if he was repressing something the graphic site of penises and the gay porne might very well turn him off. so then he proceeded to collect some pictures of althetes; moviestars, etc -- mostly in underwear with chest showing. He explained that he tried hard to see if he would be stimulated by these pictures but he could not get aroused. He tried this about three more times and happily gave up. He felt that he was frustrated with the periodic roadblocks of erectile problems without medication (ok when he uses medication). So, this is a lot to decipher. I am reflecting on things and will speak with my therapist today. I am 39. So, yes the clock is ticking. I am not sure if I should give up my opportunity to have a child. But some of you do have solid points: the possiblity of him coming to some more confusion down the road; leaving me as single parent and my poort child without the presence of its father. Still resolving. |
Anonymous
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This is really hard and not so black and white. I could see a man doing something as goofy as this to figure things out INSTEAD of seeking medical help. It's believeable, but of course you don't want to be a fool either.
I'll admit that I get turned on my other women, I've only looked at porn, never crossed the line phusically. I don't know if this makes me bi or not. I certainly AM turned on by men. I just sometimes think the lines are a bit blurry. I think if my DH found pics of other girls, he would not be so upset, probably would make him excited. I clearly have a double standard b/c if I found out the same about my husband I would be horrified and a bit disgusted. For some reason, I just think its different when you are talking about men. |
Anonymous
Not clear on this. Do you think medical help will "cure" him? |