question for moms who have to deal with a stepmom in their kids' lives...
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Anonymous
This bothered me, too, and may be one of the things that's causing some PPs to opine that OP doesn't care about her daughter. |
Anonymous
I think you guys are reading too much into this and possibly bringing your own biases about stepmothers to the conversation. |
Anonymous
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I'm fascinated by the conversation and the number of people telling OP that it's her family and her responsibility. When tables are turned, most bio-moms are telling stepparents that in fact, they aren't parents, and should default care and decision-making to the bio-parents. OP seems to be finding odd that bio-mom is choosing to delegate responsibility to her.
OP, I'm a stepmom and we actually had full physical custody of my stepchild. I might in fact judge, for lack of a better term, the bio-mom but at the same time appreciate and be grateful that both bio-parents consider me an equal parent in the care and raising of their only child together. Who, for the record, I do consider my child too. |
Anonymous
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NP here. As I read this thread, all I can think about is that this sweet 7 year old is dealing with family circumstances that she did not create. Agree with other posters that it is critical for everyone involved to act like a team and put the best interests of ALL the kids first.
Taking your stepdaughter to work does seem like an unusual solution, but it's a solution. I have to imagine that the mom has no other options. Yes, she should have planned ahead....but perhaps you and DH should have been aware as well? How often do you spend one-on-one time with your stepdaughter. Maybe this is entirely off the table, but can you imagine how she would feel if you took the day off and did something special with her? What would you hope for if it were your biological child in question and you just could not take off work for some reason? |
Anonymous
Why would either of you need to "move heaven and earth"? Just find a camp that is open this week. For example: https://www.gosilverstars.com/index.php?cat=170311082927218&locID=172807082440574&rType=Camp |
Anonymous
| I'm a bit confused as to why stepmom and dad both have jobs that they can't possibly take leave from, but mom gets judged for not being able to take off work. |
Anonymous
| Why can't anyone in this situation a) take a day off, or b) find a babysitter or drop-in camp? OP clearly cares about her stepdaughter and I agree that those suggesting otherwise are projecting. |
Anonymous
They ALWAYS do this on this board. If a stepmother posts showing concern for a situation regarding her stepchild, she gets told she needs to mind her own business. If she posts a general question of something she is unsure about, she gets told she sounds like she hates/resents the stepchild and shouldn't have married a man who had kids. I see it time and time again on the special concerns board. The moms on this board are RABID toward stepmoms. OP, I'm a stepmother too, and I think the situation is a bit weird. When we have DSS and DH has to go into work, of course DSS just hangs out with me for the day. He tags along on whatever me and DC are doing (DC is much younger than DSS which is why I say "tag along," typically these are not activities that DSS would normally do, but they get him out of the house with us, so he goes) and then DH will do whatever with him when he gets home- take him outside to play basketball, go to a movie, whatever. But if we have made plans to have DSS and DH finds out he will be going out of town, we do not still take DSS. He stays with his mom. Some posters are jumping on you for acting like you don't have a responsibility to your stepdaughter, which is ridiculous, because of your do, but not OVER her own parents' responsibility. Those two, first and foremost, are responsible for her. So if primary care cannot be done by your husband, it should be done her mom. For our arrangement and situation, it would never happen that DH would go out of town and DSS would still come and stay with me and DC. He is with one or the other of his parents. |
Anonymous
| This is such a weird question. By taking the girl and doing biomom a favor, you're essentially doing your husband's job for him. There is nothing weird about thr biomom asking for this kind of favor. If it is a burden on you, you need to take it up with your husband. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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The OP's first post left out important details (that it was not their week). She also assumed that the bio Mom had ample vacation or leave because she is a Fed. Which may or may not be true.
That being said, if you are going to take your step daughter to work during a week that isn't yours why wouldn't you say something like; "unfortunately I don't have time off this week or money for a babysitter, so she would have to come to work with me. Do you have any vacation time that you could take or a regular sitter?" But instead, OP comes on here to call out bio Mom for being a bad Mother because she didn't take time off of work to care for her daughter or thank the step Mom for taking her to work this week? I mean the posts are dripping with resentment, yet she is willing to do her a "favor"? Very odd post. Seems very trollish to me. |
Anonymous
Not trollish at all. Look at the pages and pages and pages of threads by bio-moms berating their ex's or ex's new wife for shirking parental duties or, in the case of stepparents, trying to be parents. Here's an OP who is happy to participate in parenting, but is unclear why this particular mother is delegating that parental responsibility to her. Based on a non-scientific assessment of DCUM, most bio-moms would do everything possible to avoid leaving their child with a stepparent. |
Anonymous
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I saw where you say the mom has DD one day, you are taking her another day. What is the DD doing the rest of the week?
In my situation, my ex and I (and extended family) cooperate to try to provide care for the children in weeks when there are no other options. So I might take a day off, then he might take a day off, then his mom might take a day off, then I might take her with me one day.... So I guess if the mom is already taking one day off of work, it seems to me like she is pitching in. It is great that your Dh is also willing to pitch in. Not so great that this week happens to coincide with his travel. Perhaps he should have asked a relative who does not work or hired a babysitter or simply let the ex wife know that since he was going to be out of town, he wouldn't be able to participate this time. Maybe the ex wife took you guys at your word and is figuring that you spending a day with the child is no big deal, or that you want to do it since, you did actually agree to do it. Maybe she thinks it's sort of a "take your daughter to work day". We haven't gotten to the point where his significant other has been asked or put in a position to watch or children for any extended period of time. I think if he or they offered to do that, I actually wouldn't want to say "no" - because I wouldn't want to be perceived as a b*tch. Can you imagine coming on this board and saying, "I just don't understand bio mom. I have a good relationship with my step daughter and I think it would be a great experience for her to come into my office. I offered to take her but bio mom would rather miss work than let me spend time alione with HER child". |
Anonymous
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I don't think it's trollish. I'm a step-mom and a bio-mom and I do try to put myself in my step-kids' mother's shoes and try to figure out why she does what she does. Which is what I think the OP is doing -- just trying to figure out the bio-mom's though process about all of this. How can you NOT do this when you've got a collective set of kids and the two moms sometimes parent very differently? It's just human nature.
Having said that, trying to contemplate the "whys" may be natural but it's rarely productive. Learn from this and be prepared the next time. |
Anonymous
| This thread is Exhibit A why I, as a step mother, never come to this board for step parenting/blending family advice. |