question for moms who have to deal with a stepmom in their kids' lives...

[Anonymous]

I'm actually the stepmom here. Can someone please tell me if this is normal or, as I think it is, very odd.

My 7 year old stepdaughter's summer day camp is closed this week, as is the norm in the area I think. My two children (toddler and preschooler) have childcare this week. My husband is traveling for work this week (this is the busy time of the year for him, he makes good money and therefore writes a big child support check despite 50/50 custody...I mention this only to point out that it is in everyone's financial interest (kids, ex-wife, current wife, etc) that he makes this money and so him not doing the work trip is not an option.

My stepdaughter's mother is taking the girl just one day this week, and tomorrow, I am taking her and I can't not go to work so I have to take her to work with me. The mom is a federal employee so I'd imagine she has decent family leave protections, too.

As a mother myself, I just cannot imagine ever doing this. I think it is just beyond strange that the mother would rather have me take the girl to work than to take responsibility for her own child. If the parents were still married, my husband would still be out of town all week, and the mother would have to find a way to take care of her daughter. I'm sure part of the reason I find this so odd is that there is no thank you, no recognition that this isn't really my responsibility. There's just sort of an acceptance that I'll do what she is unwilling to do.

Am I wrong here? Am I missing something?

[Anonymous]

Your husband has just as much obligation to "thank you" and "recognize it's not your responsibility"...has he done this?

[Anonymous]

You're missing that she's getting free childcare out of you.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand your question.

This is during your husband's part of the 50/50 custody, yes?

She could take vacation and watch her child, but to make it fair your husband would also need to pay her extra because he did not watch his daughter during his week. Does that make sense? Would that change how you feel?

Just because your husband is away doesn't change his parental responsibilities and his ex-wife no longer had to apologize for hi behavior or how he treats you, frankly.

[Anonymous]

You're so missing the boat. Families do what it takes to be successful. You,don't know anything about what mom has going on and can do - you just assume and vilify her based on your assumptions while you put yourself on a pedestal because you can fill in.

[Anonymous]

Don't overthink this. Appreciate the rare one on one time with your child. This is definite misguided energy.

[Anonymous]

Umm, what you're missing is one scintilla of evidence that you actually giving a crap about your stepchild. And yes, it really is your responsibility - you married a man with a child, which means you now have responsibility for that child along with him. And btw you and your husband could just as easily pay for childcare if you are so indispensable at your job that you can't possibly miss a day. Please, for the sake of all the kids involved here, re-read what you wrote and come to terms with your role as a parent, albeit step, in this child's life. I'm not divorced, but have friends who are and who have been lucky enough to find new partners who are overjoyed at the chance to be involved with their stepkids lives, even if it means the occasional inconvenience.

[Anonymous]

Whose week is it to have the child? If your husband's then it is your responsibility. Either way, when you married the girl's father like it or not, you took on some of the responsibility of raising her.

[Anonymous]

Is it your husband's custody week? If so, he's responsible for caring for his child. Since he's going to be gone, he handed responsibility over to you- her stepmom. Seems normal to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it your husband's custody week? If so, he's responsible for caring for his child. Since he's going to be gone, he handed responsibility over to you- her stepmom. Seems normal to me.

totally agree.

you seem to think that b/c he's successful and travels, his wife should take that into account when she looks at the court-arranged custody arrangements and that's really not fair. why should she have to re-arrange her whole life to ensure that he can go on his trips and not have responsibility for his daughter on the weeks he has her? it doesn't seem fair to ex wife. or the kid.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Appreciate the comments, good and bad. I do care about her (stepdaughter). Yes my husband does appreciate all I do for his daughter. It is actually the mom's week to have the daughter but she didn't plan ahead to get child care for the week. So I do feel like free child care, which I am happy to do for my stepdaughter but I wish her mother would at least say, "hey, thanks for taking her into your office today." And as a mom myself, I just think it's odd that she wouldn't move heaven and earth to figure something else out.

[Anonymous]

To answer your question, as a mother, I'd rather miss a day of work to be with my child than have her step mother bring my child to work. Yes, I find that odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Appreciate the comments, good and bad. I do care about her (stepdaughter). Yes my husband does appreciate all I do for his daughter. It is actually the mom's week to have the daughter but she didn't plan ahead to get child care for the week. So I do feel like free child care, which I am happy to do for my stepdaughter but I wish her mother would at least say, "hey, thanks for taking her into your office today." And as a mom myself, I just think it's odd that she wouldn't move heaven and earth to figure something else out.

Then why did you say yes? Next time decline, seriously.

The way I see it, you either do it because you want to or don't because you have other responsibilities. Don't feel like you have to it her responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she was planning on thanking you after you have actually taken her for the day? I don't mean this rudely, just that sometimes I don't say thank you in advance. Also, I actually think it's wonderful that the mother trusts you to take the child -- frankly, I thought that your complaint was going to be that you were available to watch the child but that since your husband is out of town, the mother was going to great lengths NOT to leave the child with you. I think you should think of all of you as a team and that, of course she should say thank you, but that families don't always say thank you every time at the right time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Appreciate the comments, good and bad. I do care about her (stepdaughter). Yes my husband does appreciate all I do for his daughter. It is actually the mom's week to have the daughter but she didn't plan ahead to get child care for the week. So I do feel like free child care, which I am happy to do for my stepdaughter but I wish her mother would at least say, "hey, thanks for taking her into your office today." And as a mom myself, I just think it's odd that she wouldn't move heaven and earth to figure something else out.

Did she ask if you could take your stepdaughter those days or did she just tell you that you had to? If it's the latter then you should just tell her that you have to work and since it was her week to have her daughter that you did not anticipate having her there.