Would you marry a man who has a bad relationship with his mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married someone who had narcissistic personality disorder and a terrible addiction. His dad was an alcoholic and his mother was an NPD who was probably bi-polar. They're all brilliant and highly functioning on the surface. It took years for me to figure it all out. My husband HATED his mother, however, and for good reasons.

Would I marry into this sort of situation again? Hell no!

If I ever remarried, it would be to someone like my father or brothers, who all love their wives and mothers. I married when I was way too young.

OP, good luck to you. I hope you find happiness, one way or another.

Thank you. I'll take my time to understand as much of his background and his coping mechanisms as I possibly can. My ex doesn't hate his mother (he should!), instead at 42 he's still trying to win her approval.

I dont think your ex is necessarily typical. I didn't feel liked by my dad and I'm in a strong marriage and have not had counseling. I get that my dad is a negative, crotchety guy who has difficulty expressing himself. I'm also very grateful that my DH didn't sit there scrutinizing my every move because he had a bad experience in the past. To be honest, I feel a little bad for your current BF. He has the cards stacked against him and it seems like you're just waiting for him to prove he's broken.

To the poster who mentioned reading the literature on the topic of growing up with a bad mom, you so get it! Thank you. I think others just assume it's a rush to judgment given the title of the thread. But, honestly, it's not. This is a well documented area.

[Anonymous]

^^sorry for the jacked up quoting.

[Anonymous]

My last boyfriend before DH had serious "mom issues". He had so much anger towards her. The strange part was that she wasn't that bad -- type A, uptight, strict, stubborn - yes. She was also extemely caring and always there for her children. He was angry that he didn't feel she was affectionate or nurturing enough towards him as a child, he was angry that he saw his dad as succombing to her and letting her "get away with it". After about 1.5 years of a great relationship with then-boyfriend, he began projecting his mom issues on me big time. He began to see me as her, or at least was paralyzed with fear that we'd turn into his father and mother. It was really out of whack, but there was just so much unresolved anger there. I went through hell and back trying to shake him out of it, to no avail. Eventually I had to accept he had issues that would prohibit him from being the best husband or father.

While his brothers may not have been extremely close to their mom, they didn't seem to have the same anger, so I think it's probably case by case. They seemed to have healthy relationships with their wives, at least from the outside.

Maybe more than looking for whether the person in question has a "bad" relationship with his mom - look to see if he holds a lot of unresolved anger towards her. Is he still really bothered by it, or does he seem to be able to make peace?

In my experience, if there's a lot of anger present - be very careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can have a bad mom and still not hate her. You can accept the fact that you got dealt a poor card in that area but know that this is not all of who you are and deal with it. The red flag to me is when the guy HATES his mom or is tortured in some way by how he feels about her. As in, he feels sorry for her but really dislikes her and suffers from guilt and resentment etc....it is that kind of dysfunction and lack of accountability that would lead to a poor husband IMO.

PP here. I respectfully disagree. If you really have a BAD mother, it's very difficult to ever get over it and not have very strong and conflicted feelings, including hate. If you read the literature on this subject, having a BAD mother does all sorts of terrible things to children's emotional development.

PP, it's very difficult, but it's possible. People do it all the time. I'm okay with what you wrote since I've done a lot of work in therapy with kind and effective therapists. But other people who are at an earlier stage in the process might read posts like yours and feel disheartened and discouraged.

Yes, those are the key words. "IF" they've done all this difficult work with good therapists. Otherwise, I truly think it's difficult to overcome.

I'm going through a divorce, and I'm shocked by the literature out there about the effects of EVERYTHING on children: family discord, addiction, divorce, staying together in a distant marriage, cold mothers, distant fathers. . . . you name it. It's very disheartening. It seems impossible to raise happy and healthy kids in anything but a perfect, perfect family. (So far, my kids have been protected by just about all of this, but now I'm worrying about the next set of issues: parental alienation, difficulty with trust and attachment, etc.)

So yes, I'm probably in an earlier stage than you in learning about all of this. But I still maintain that these men would need to do some hard work with therapists to overcome FOO issues like having a bad mom. Maybe that's the real question OP should be asking is: if someone comes from this sort of background, are they okay, or do they need help to overcome it? And have they done the hard work on overcoming it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married someone who had narcissistic personality disorder and a terrible addiction. His dad was an alcoholic and his mother was an NPD who was probably bi-polar. They're all brilliant and highly functioning on the surface. It took years for me to figure it all out. My husband HATED his mother, however, and for good reasons.

Would I marry into this sort of situation again? Hell no!

If I ever remarried, it would be to someone like my father or brothers, who all love their wives and mothers. I married when I was way too young.

OP, good luck to you. I hope you find happiness, one way or another.

Thank you. I'll take my time to understand as much of his background and his coping mechanisms as I possibly can. My ex doesn't hate his mother (he should!), instead at 42 he's still trying to win her approval.

To the poster who mentioned reading the literature on the topic of growing up with a bad mom, you so get it! Thank you. I think others just assume it's a rush to judgment given the title of the thread. But, honestly, it's not. This is a well documented area.

I wrote both of these replies to you. I'm going through a divorce and have been seeing therapists and reading a lot. Probably too much.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can have a bad mom and still not hate her. You can accept the fact that you got dealt a poor card in that area but know that this is not all of who you are and deal with it. The red flag to me is when the guy HATES his mom or is tortured in some way by how he feels about her. As in, he feels sorry for her but really dislikes her and suffers from guilt and resentment etc....it is that kind of dysfunction and lack of accountability that would lead to a poor husband IMO.

PP here. I respectfully disagree. If you really have a BAD mother, it's very difficult to ever get over it and not have very strong and conflicted feelings, including hate. If you read the literature on this subject, having a BAD mother does all sorts of terrible things to children's emotional development.

PP, it's very difficult, but it's possible. People do it all the time. I'm okay with what you wrote since I've done a lot of work in therapy with kind and effective therapists. But other people who are at an earlier stage in the process might read posts like yours and feel disheartened and discouraged.

Yes, those are the key words. "IF" they've done all this difficult work with good therapists. Otherwise, I truly think it's difficult to overcome.

I'm going through a divorce, and I'm shocked by the literature out there about the effects of EVERYTHING on children: family discord, addiction, divorce, staying together in a distant marriage, cold mothers, distant fathers. . . . you name it. It's very disheartening. It seems impossible to raise happy and healthy kids in anything but a perfect, perfect family. (So far, my kids have been protected by just about all of this, but now I'm worrying about the next set of issues: parental alienation, difficulty with trust and attachment, etc.)

So yes, I'm probably in an earlier stage than you in learning about all of this. But I still maintain that these men would need to do some hard work with therapists to overcome FOO issues like having a bad mom. Maybe that's the real question OP should be asking is: if someone comes from this sort of background, are they okay, or do they need help to overcome it? And have they done the hard work on overcoming it?

I'm the PP you're responding to, and I have siblings who refuse to consider therapy. They're successful in their careers, and dysfunctional in their personal relationships. I wouldn't recommend that anyone enter into a relationship with them. Suffice it to say, they don't do relationships well. So, absolutely, if someone hasn't clearly demonstrated that they're willing to get help overcoming their problems, that's a big red flag, and should be a dealbreaker.

FWIW I don't think you need to stress over creating a perfect family environment. As long as you genuinely love your children, and can actually appropriately express that love most of the time, you're a terrific parent as far as I'm concerned.

[Anonymous]

Today I saw this: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story.html. I thought of this thread.

I will never again form an opinion of anything in life with a "single story". I like this so much I'll probably post it in another thread. This is good stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Today I saw this: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story.html. I thought of this thread.

I will never again form an opinion of anything in life with a "single story". I like this so much I'll probably post it in another thread. This is good stuff.

You seem dumb

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is sad that someone would have a litmus test like this. I don't have a good relationship with my mother, but then again she was an abusive alcoholic when I was growing up. I have almost no contact with her now because she is just poisonous. I think the red flag here would be if I continued to have a relationship with her. Or if I thought she was a good mother, or person for that matter.

Does having a bad mother affect you? Sure, but there are also so many other factors that have an effect on your emotional development. Having said that, did I get therapy to work on how to handle my relationships with others? Yep.

I don't think using a generalized rule, of any sort, is good if you are looking for a mate.

You're far to rational for this thread. Please exit immediately.

[Anonymous]

^ How is this thread irrational? I've seen people give interesting and fairly non sensationalist advice, much of it based on their own experiences.

I just hate the way the word irrational is thrown around as an insult against women in so many circumstances. It's really damaging in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today I saw this: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story.html. I thought of this thread.

I will never again form an opinion of anything in life with a "single story". I like this so much I'll probably post it in another thread. This is good stuff.

You seem dumb

Dumb? What the heck? NP here: I love this TED video, PP. Used it as part of a lesson earlier this semester, and my students (university undergrads) loved it, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today I saw this: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story.html. I thought of this thread.

I will never again form an opinion of anything in life with a "single story". I like this so much I'll probably post it in another thread. This is good stuff.

You seem dumb

Dumb? What the heck? NP here: I love this TED video, PP. Used it as part of a lesson earlier this semester, and my students (university undergrads) loved it, too.

Dumb to take the very complex message embedded in the video and use it to shame women into ignoring their own instincts when entering relationships.

yes, it's dumb. pp seemed dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny, my DH had a great relationship with his mother until we got married and the. She turned crazy. Like bad crazy. God bless him for putting up with it but we had no idea she would turn crazy.

this was true with my DH, too. When we got married, a few months later, his mom told him to never contact her again. That didn't change after we had children. Even after sending her messages and photos, she does not care to have contact.

[Anonymous]

"So yes, I'm probably in an earlier stage than you in learning about all of this. But I still maintain that these men would need to do some hard work with therapists to overcome FOO issues like having a bad mom. Maybe that's the real question OP should be asking is: if someone comes from this sort of background, are they okay, or do they need help to overcome it? And have they done the hard work on overcoming it?"

Not the poster you're responding to, but in my view it completely depends on how much resiliency someone has. Some people are able to deal with life's difficulties well, and move on even after hardship, with a positive outlook on life. Others get stuck in the muck of their family of origin and can't move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today I saw this: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story.html. I thought of this thread.

I will never again form an opinion of anything in life with a "single story". I like this so much I'll probably post it in another thread. This is good stuff.

You seem dumb

Dumb? What the heck? NP here: I love this TED video, PP. Used it as part of a lesson earlier this semester, and my students (university undergrads) loved it, too.

Dumb to take the very complex message embedded in the video and use it to shame women into ignoring their own instincts when entering relationships.

yes, it's dumb. pp seemed dumb.

I posted the video and clearly I don't think it was "dumb". I felt, and still feel, the video's "very complex message" was relevant here in that the question was about using a single part of someone's background as a determinant for a whether a long lasting, healthy relationship was possible. The video's message helps one see the limits of this approach. You many very well miss the richer part of a person's experiences by focusing on one negative.

Perhaps pp, you've had too much to much to drink today OR maybe you missed your last pill popping time.