Would you marry a man who has a bad relationship with his mother?

[Anonymous]

Observing those around me and my own personal experience with my ex-H, a bad relationship with mom is a red flag. Ex-H never felt loved growing up and once overheard his mom say she didn't like him. As a result (according to his therapist) his has terrible anxiety, anger/rage issues, controlling behavior, lack of trust and self-esteem, all topped with a porn addiction. I'm dating someone new and it's now coming to light that he, too, does not have a good relationship with his mother. Certainly this isn't anything scientific, but I'm just curious what others think about this topic.

[Anonymous]

It depends, it is one factor to consider. Don't condemn a man because his mother is an a..hole. How does he treat you, other people...

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, people just get screwed in the parent department. A guy who's kind and gentle and treats you and other women well, in spite of having a crappy mom, would be fine in my book.

[Anonymous]

If your gut instinct is telling you something is wrong, follow it! Sometimes we fall int othe pattern of dating people with the repeat set of same issues... Be careful! Maybe get a therapist to talk to and bounce ideas off of before you get in too deep in this new relationship....

[Anonymous]

I agree with the pp. Follow your gut, but if it were me, honestly, as someone who has a great relationship with her family and married a guy who has the same. Trust me, it's must easier this way.

[Anonymous]

Funny, my DH had a great relationship with his mother until we got married and the. She turned crazy. Like bad crazy. God bless him for putting up with it but we had no idea she would turn crazy.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for the input. The new man treats me fine right now. But we are not in the trenches together either. I'm afraid of what things will look like when life's pressures are thrown into the mix. People behave differently under pressure, my ex surely did. I just wonder if it's possible for someone to not receive a mother's nurturing as a child, then grow up to have an emotionally healthy adult relationship without getting professional counseling. I don't want to hold it against this guy, but I'm afraid of what I cannot see beneath the superficial layers. My ex was great, at first. Loving, warm, kind. Then over time it changed, he became distant, verbally/emotionally abusive, etc...He wasn't able to handle the day-to-day pressures of life. His anxiety overwhelmed him and I got the brunt of it all. I don't want this to be a pattern for me - selecting the same type of guy who doesn't have healthy coping mechanisms.

[Anonymous]

Would you marry a woman who has a bad relationship with her father?

What about a woman who has a bad relationship with her mother?

[Anonymous]

I married a man like that, and I also have bad relationship with my mother (though less severe).
Honestly I hardly know anyone with truly satisfying relationship with their parents. Wonder if that's a generation thing and if things would improve now that BFing and cosleeping and natural birth and parenting are more in fashion

[Anonymous]

Wow, imagine this from the perspective of a guy who just got screwed with a crazy/bad mother. First he suffers through that, then every time he finds a (seemingly) good woman he'd like to marry, she discovers he had a bad relationship with his mother and ends it. Very nice.

[Anonymous]

I understand your concerns, op. if you see warning signs, pay attention to them. Try rethinking your perspective on dysfunctional families. If a man is willing to work through issues in therapy then why shouldnt he be potential material?

As a woman from a dysfunctional family I've worked hard in therapy to heal and I've done well. Can't change the fact that my family is and will always be a problem. I know that hurts my marriage prospects but hope to meet someone who'll look past something that's beyond my control.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the haters. Don't be made to feel guilty for something that isn't your problem. So many unhappy marriages here and many of the spouses can trace them straight to family of origin issues. You don't owe this new guy your loyalty.

Keep your eyes open, listen to the red flags and if he seems resistant to therapy or self reflection, RUN.

Consider therapy to make sure you aren't attracting people with issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the haters. Don't be made to feel guilty for something that isn't your problem. So many unhappy marriages here and many of the spouses can trace them straight to family of origin issues. You don't owe this new guy your loyalty.

Keep your eyes open, listen to the red flags and if he seems resistant to therapy or self reflection, RUN.

Consider therapy to make sure you aren't attracting people with issues.

Thank you. I think some have misunderstood my point, which I think you nailed.

It's not that I want to dump anyone who hails from a dysfunctional family, my own upbringing was no Leave it to Beaver episode. It's when someone doesn't recognize or acknowledge how an upbringing devoid of love or human nurturing affects who they are today...that's the red flag for me. My ex was slow to come to the "light" and it took years before he agreed to seek therapy (individual and couples). Even still when he felt "cured" he wouldn't continue. I think it takes some people many years (depending on how deeply they're scarred) to be aware enough to think from the front of the brain (as one therapist phrased it) rather than the back of the brain where the scars hide. If this guy were to say, "Hey, my family is totally screwed up and I know it can affect how I react to certain situations or interpret certain behaviors, but I'm willing to work on that," I would have no problems giving him a chance.

I was really curious if someone married someone like that - who didn't recognize the impact of a bad childhood, was slow to seek help, but eventually turned out to be a great spouse. Everyone I know who fits this profile is either divorced or headed that way.

[Anonymous]

^^^

Yeah 13: 57 here again and I totally agree. This entire board is full of spouses who won't seek therapy! Spouses who are inconsiderate, abusive or mired in crippling depression. I would link but it is almost every thread! One PP said something like "well, if he's kind and gentle and treats you well, it's fine". I completely disagree. This is a version of the "is he nice to the waiter" type test. The reality is that to deal with terrible family baggage you need to learn the non screwed up ways of functioning, if that's through therapy or self help or whatever. Being "kind" isn't the point. Plenty of kind people are still very damaged and would make poor husbands.

[Anonymous]

My husband does not have a great relationship with his mother. We share the opinion that she is a lazy narcissist who is only interested in our successes as they reflect on her. It would be _a lot_ harder to deal with her if he thought she walked on water, but he doesn't. The result of that is that I will never, ever be one of those ladies griping on DCUM how my husband is taking his mom's side over mine. It simply would never happen.