Would you marry a man who has a bad relationship with his mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the haters. Don't be made to feel guilty for something that isn't your problem. So many unhappy marriages here and many of the spouses can trace them straight to family of origin issues. You don't owe this new guy your loyalty.

Keep your eyes open, listen to the red flags and if he seems resistant to therapy or self reflection, RUN.

Consider therapy to make sure you aren't attracting people with issues.

Thank you. I think some have misunderstood my point, which I think you nailed.

It's not that I want to dump anyone who hails from a dysfunctional family, my own upbringing was no Leave it to Beaver episode. It's when someone doesn't recognize or acknowledge how an upbringing devoid of love or human nurturing affects who they are today...that's the red flag for me. My ex was slow to come to the "light" and it took years before he agreed to seek therapy (individual and couples). Even still when he felt "cured" he wouldn't continue. I think it takes some people many years (depending on how deeply they're scarred) to be aware enough to think from the front of the brain (as one therapist phrased it) rather than the back of the brain where the scars hide. If this guy were to say, "Hey, my family is totally screwed up and I know it can affect how I react to certain situations or interpret certain behaviors, but I'm willing to work on that," I would have no problems giving him a chance.

I was really curious if someone married someone like that - who didn't recognize the impact of a bad childhood, was slow to seek help, but eventually turned out to be a great spouse. Everyone I know who fits this profile is either divorced or headed that way.

Not me and I'm a lesbian who is headed for divorce. She also seemed to have really turned out differently from a very damaged family but the resistance to therapy or to looking at the past as it impacted the present and future was too much to overcome. I think we all get subbed in for family of origin stuff in adult relationships but if the original parents weren't "good enough" it's really easy to be put on a pedestal and then turned on. Esp whent there are kids competing for your attention with an adult who in some ways is still a child. Whenever there was real stress she had to be the victim. You never know what challenges and tragedies life will throw at you and better to have a caring adult who won't fight or flee when you need them most. I'd listen to your instincts OP which seem to be telling you to back away. There are a lot of fish in the sea and having the support of "normal enough" extended family members is a big plus for any couple. I think you may have outgrown this pattern, good for you! Now you get that there is no need to stack the deck against yourself from the get go. Find someone at least as evolved and insightful as yourself and best of luck.

[Anonymous]

I would rather not a great relationship than can't go two hours without texting his mom. Like cut the umbilical cord already!

[Anonymous]

Sigh. Guy here. So women don't like it when you have a bad relationship with your mom, but also hate it when it's too good of a relationship because of the competition. Men cannot win.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who cannot stand the mom texting. It happens all day at work (I get to hear about the funny spellings and whatnot) and then he talks to her for like an hour every evening. It is weird. I talk to my mom once maximum, usually once every few days. Oh, and lets not get started on the NEED to "Facetime the babies" just come over, geesh.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and it's not about competition. It's just not normal adult behavior.

[Anonymous]

You can have a bad mom and still not hate her. You can accept the fact that you got dealt a poor card in that area but know that this is not all of who you are and deal with it. The red flag to me is when the guy HATES his mom or is tortured in some way by how he feels about her. As in, he feels sorry for her but really dislikes her and suffers from guilt and resentment etc....it is that kind of dysfunction and lack of accountability that would lead to a poor husband IMO.

[Anonymous]

DH has a horrible relationship with his mother. She has a horrible relationship with everyone because she is a major PITA to everyone. She really doesn't get along with anyone. My FIL, who had the patience of a saint, dropped dead five years ago. I think he dealt with her for the last fifteen years of his life by never turning on his hearing aids.

DH did not win in the mom department. Despite that, he's done OK. He didn't pick her to be his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has a horrible relationship with his mother. She has a horrible relationship with everyone because she is a major PITA to everyone. She really doesn't get along with anyone. My FIL, who had the patience of a saint, dropped dead five years ago. I think he dealt with her for the last fifteen years of his life by never turning on his hearing aids.

DH did not win in the mom department. Despite that, he's done OK. He didn't pick her to be his mom.

Can you explain? What do you mean by "ok"? He's a loving husband and father. Emotionally connected, not controlling? Able to express feelings of hurt or anger in a rational manner? Accepts responsibility when he is wrong? Has he had therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^

Yeah 13: 57 here again and I totally agree. This entire board is full of spouses who won't seek therapy! Spouses who are inconsiderate, abusive or mired in crippling depression. I would link but it is almost every thread! One PP said something like "well, if he's kind and gentle and treats you well, it's fine". I completely disagree. This is a version of the "is he nice to the waiter" type test. The reality is that to deal with terrible family baggage you need to learn the non screwed up ways of functioning, if that's through therapy or self help or whatever. Being "kind" isn't the point. Plenty of kind people are still very damaged and would make poor husbands.

I dated a man who was kind and gentle and treated me and other women well for ten years. He wasn't close to his mom, but he was one of the good ones, and he didn't need therapy to get there. I'm not sure there's a true "test" for anyone, but I do find those attributes important in a person I'm dating or married to. Sorry I didn't write a novel, but my answer is still "yes, I'd marry a guy who had a bad relationship with his mom." Btw, I also dated a guy who hated (hated!) his mom, and it was clear he had tons of baggage and needed therapy. I would not have married him for anything. I think he was a nice enough guy (kind to waiters, etc.), but it just felt like deep down he might me a woman hater. So, yeah, it can go both ways. Every situation is different; you have to take your time and get to know the person and listen to your gut. If you feel something's off, it probably is. But if he's not displaying any issues, it's unfair to pin them on him simply because he doesn't like his mom.

[Anonymous]

I married one - we aren't speaking to his mother - she had a histrionic meltdown at OUR WEDDING, then, a year later we have a baby, she flies in again (on her broom!), and has a fit of rage and we had to kick her out. Honestly, it's hell to have her in my extended family. She does anything she can to make the both of us miserable. that being said, I still would have married my husband even if I knew his mother was psycho before we got engaged. I love him and he is great - he must take after his father.

[Anonymous]

I married someone who had narcissistic personality disorder and a terrible addiction. His dad was an alcoholic and his mother was an NPD who was probably bi-polar. They're all brilliant and highly functioning on the surface. It took years for me to figure it all out. My husband HATED his mother, however, and for good reasons.

Would I marry into this sort of situation again? Hell no!

If I ever remarried, it would be to someone like my father or brothers, who all love their wives and mothers. I married when I was way too young.

OP, good luck to you. I hope you find happiness, one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can have a bad mom and still not hate her. You can accept the fact that you got dealt a poor card in that area but know that this is not all of who you are and deal with it. The red flag to me is when the guy HATES his mom or is tortured in some way by how he feels about her. As in, he feels sorry for her but really dislikes her and suffers from guilt and resentment etc....it is that kind of dysfunction and lack of accountability that would lead to a poor husband IMO.

PP here. I respectfully disagree. If you really have a BAD mother, it's very difficult to ever get over it and not have very strong and conflicted feelings, including hate. If you read the literature on this subject, having a BAD mother does all sorts of terrible things to children's emotional development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married someone who had narcissistic personality disorder and a terrible addiction. His dad was an alcoholic and his mother was an NPD who was probably bi-polar. They're all brilliant and highly functioning on the surface. It took years for me to figure it all out. My husband HATED his mother, however, and for good reasons.

Would I marry into this sort of situation again? Hell no!

If I ever remarried, it would be to someone like my father or brothers, who all love their wives and mothers. I married when I was way too young.

OP, good luck to you. I hope you find happiness, one way or another.

Thank you. I'll take my time to understand as much of his background and his coping mechanisms as I possibly can. My ex doesn't hate his mother (he should!), instead at 42 he's still trying to win her approval.

To the poster who mentioned reading the literature on the topic of growing up with a bad mom, you so get it! Thank you. I think others just assume it's a rush to judgment given the title of the thread. But, honestly, it's not. This is a well documented area.

[Anonymous]

I think it is sad that someone would have a litmus test like this. I don't have a good relationship with my mother, but then again she was an abusive alcoholic when I was growing up. I have almost no contact with her now because she is just poisonous. I think the red flag here would be if I continued to have a relationship with her. Or if I thought she was a good mother, or person for that matter.

Does having a bad mother affect you? Sure, but there are also so many other factors that have an effect on your emotional development. Having said that, did I get therapy to work on how to handle my relationships with others? Yep.

I don't think using a generalized rule, of any sort, is good if you are looking for a mate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can have a bad mom and still not hate her. You can accept the fact that you got dealt a poor card in that area but know that this is not all of who you are and deal with it. The red flag to me is when the guy HATES his mom or is tortured in some way by how he feels about her. As in, he feels sorry for her but really dislikes her and suffers from guilt and resentment etc....it is that kind of dysfunction and lack of accountability that would lead to a poor husband IMO.

PP here. I respectfully disagree. If you really have a BAD mother, it's very difficult to ever get over it and not have very strong and conflicted feelings, including hate. If you read the literature on this subject, having a BAD mother does all sorts of terrible things to children's emotional development.

PP, it's very difficult, but it's possible. People do it all the time. I'm okay with what you wrote since I've done a lot of work in therapy with kind and effective therapists. But other people who are at an earlier stage in the process might read posts like yours and feel disheartened and discouraged.