Reply to Would you marry a man who has a bad relationship with his mother?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You can have a bad mom and still not hate her.  You can accept the fact that you got dealt a poor card in that area but know that this is not all of who you are and deal with it.  The red flag to me is when the guy HATES his mom or is tortured in some way by how he feels about her.  As in, he feels sorry for her but really dislikes her and suffers from guilt and resentment etc....it is that kind of dysfunction and lack of accountability that would lead to a poor husband IMO.   [/quote]

PP here. I respectfully disagree. If you really have a BAD mother, it's very difficult to ever get over it and not have very strong and conflicted feelings, including hate. If you read the literature on this subject, having a BAD mother does all sorts of terrible things to children's emotional development.

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PP, it's very difficult, but it's possible. People do it all the time. I'm okay with what you wrote since [b]I've done a lot of work in therapy with kind and effective therapists. [/b]But other people who are at an earlier stage in the process might read posts like yours and feel disheartened and discouraged.[/quote]

Yes, those are the key words. "IF" they've done all this difficult work with good therapists. Otherwise, I truly think it's difficult to overcome.

I'm going through a divorce, and I'm shocked by the literature out there about the effects of EVERYTHING on children: family discord, addiction, divorce, staying together in a distant marriage, cold mothers, distant fathers. . . . you name it. It's very disheartening. It seems impossible to raise happy and healthy kids in anything but a perfect, perfect family. (So far, my kids have been protected by just about all of this, but now I'm worrying about the next set of issues: parental alienation, difficulty with trust and attachment, etc.)

So yes, I'm probably in an earlier stage than you in learning about all of this. But I still maintain that these men would need to do some hard work with therapists to overcome FOO issues like having a bad mom. Maybe that's the real question OP should be asking is: if someone comes from this sort of background, are they okay, or do they need help to overcome it? And have they done the hard work on overcoming it?

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