Would you leave your wife if....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:22:14, How would her employment status change things? She would still get custody if I did pursue a divorce. She keeps busy during the day doing several things... So she isn't on sitting on her ass all day...

When you finally come to your senses and divorce her, she won't scam as much money out of you. Or do you intend to suppport her for the rest of her life and live in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life? Talk about rewarding bad behavior!

[Anonymous]

What if there is no illness and DW just is witholding sex and DH gave up?

[Anonymous]

PP you're pretty nasty and clearly don't get it. DH does and sounds like an amazing guy for all of the reasons. I hope DW reads his post b/c if she did she'd be reminded how wonderful he is and see (probably for the first time) how much he's hurting on so many different levels. There's nothing wrong with anything he's saying, and if I were his DW, after reading it, we would have a long talk about what we could do to make things better. At least it would be a start. My heart goes out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP you're pretty nasty and clearly don't get it. DH does and sounds like an amazing guy for all of the reasons. I hope DW reads his post b/c if she did she'd be reminded how wonderful he is and see (probably for the first time) how much he's hurting on so many different levels. There's nothing wrong with anything he's saying, and if I were his DW, after reading it, we would have a long talk about what we could do to make things better. At least it would be a start. My heart goes out.

I was not referring to the monk, just posting another question that does not include an illness. Do not assume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if there is no illness and DW just is witholding sex and DH gave up?

Yes this is very much possible.... A DW here and you just describe my friend's marriage to the T......She says she is just repulsed by his touch....No she doesnt want to do it with anybody else as she feels so touched out and she has no qualms if he is getting any action on the side.....Infact she said she would be relieved as he wont be after her ass for sex....She wants a divorce but he thinks marriage is for keeps and you will always have problems in marriage and need to work on it...Yes they get along very well but as friends or roommates but she has no sexual feelings or attraction for him...Both are quite good looking and work in extremely good jobs.....They have been married for almost 8 years n have a 4 yr old daughter too...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if there is no illness and DW just is witholding sex and DH gave up?

Yes this is very much possible.... A DW here and you just describe my friend's marriage to the T......She says she is just repulsed by his touch....No she doesnt want to do it with anybody else as she feels so touched out and she has no qualms if he is getting any action on the side.....Infact she said she would be relieved as he wont be after her ass for sex....She wants a divorce but he thinks marriage is for keeps and you will always have problems in marriage and need to work on it...Yes they get along very well but as friends or roommates but she has no sexual feelings or attraction for him...Both are quite good looking and work in extremely good jobs.....They have been married for almost 8 years n have a 4 yr old daughter too...

Does your friend tell her husband how she feels? Has he ever tried to discuss it with her?

Her saying that she has no qualms if he is getting any action on the side seems like one of those traps... Like someone saying "let's not exchange presents this year.." and that same person gets hurt and upset because they didn't really think that you wouldn't get me a present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if there is no illness and DW just is witholding sex and DH gave up?

Yes this is very much possible.... A DW here and you just describe my friend's marriage to the T......She says she is just repulsed by his touch....No she doesnt want to do it with anybody else as she feels so touched out and she has no qualms if he is getting any action on the side.....Infact she said she would be relieved as he wont be after her ass for sex....She wants a divorce but he thinks marriage is for keeps and you will always have problems in marriage and need to work on it...Yes they get along very well but as friends or roommates but she has no sexual feelings or attraction for him...Both are quite good looking and work in extremely good jobs.....They have been married for almost 8 years n have a 4 yr old daughter too...

Does your friend tell her husband how she feels? Has he ever tried to discuss it with her?

Her saying that she has no qualms if he is getting any action on the side seems like one of those traps... Like someone saying "let's not exchange presents this year.." and that same person gets hurt and upset because they didn't really think that you wouldn't get me a present.

If I hadnt known my friend for so long , I would have said what you are saying about the trap thing is so true...But I know her and I know she is not lying....

She has spoken to her husband and she says she doesnt feel any attraction sexually but she is very fond of him....His response is usually how can you not love me or want to have sex with me?? After all we are married .... And then he thinks maybe she is getting some action on the side so she doesnt have the hots for him anymore.....

[Anonymous]

I would suggest for the DHs in sexless marriages to start hitting the gym regularly and putting more thought into grooming and appearance. I'm a single mom now, but in your DWs shoes, I would definitely take notice if you suddenly lost the belly fat and were spending more time on your clothing. And didnt bother to ask me for sex for awhile, yet seemed happy nonetheless.

For the poster with the wife in remission, I'm sure the perception of her femininity took a beating during the process. If she can only have sex with the lights off, she might fear that you were see the flaws she's been hiding and be turned off. Also, knowing that you are thinking about sex most nights puts alot of pressure on her. I would also suggest planning activities for just you and the kids where she can have some more "me" time. If she's a SAHM especially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest for the DHs in sexless marriages to start hitting the gym regularly and putting more thought into grooming and appearance. I'm a single mom now, but in your DWs shoes, I would definitely take notice if you suddenly lost the belly fat and were spending more time on your clothing. And didnt bother to ask me for sex for awhile, yet seemed happy nonetheless.

For the poster with the wife in remission, I'm sure the perception of her femininity took a beating during the process. If she can only have sex with the lights off, she might fear that you were see the flaws she's been hiding and be turned off. Also, knowing that you are thinking about sex most nights puts alot of pressure on her. I would also suggest planning activities for just you and the kids where she can have some more "me" time. If she's a SAHM especially.

To your first statement: What if we already do this? And why do we need to ask for sex? That's ridiculous. Men that have to ask for sex are/were already defeated by women like you.

[Anonymous]

I kind of agree with the PP who resents having to ask for sex. (I assume what you mean is "beg" and not actually make clear that you want sex, which you should be doing.) I am a DW with a very healthy sex drive, and my DH and I had sex maybe five times in the last two years. Mind you, during that time I have been pregnant and then nursing but still horny as hell. I have been married for 2 1/2 years and my sex life consists mostly of masturbation.

My husband has been diagnosed with borderline low testosterone. We have no insurance now, and even when we did, it doesn't cover the drugs/cream, which come to $200 a month. I used to be understanding of this, but now I'm not. First, where else are you spending $200 a month that you could be spending on drugs that would make me, your wife, happy? Why is that other purpose more important than my happiness? Secondly, even if your penis is taking a break, you're typing and talking at work all day long, so I know for a fact that your fingers and tongue are in good working order, and I need them more than I need your penis. Thirdly, there have been times in the past when my DH wanted it and I didn't (sleepy, period etc.) and I have always accommodated him by having sex anyway, or giving him oral because his happiness is important to me.

See, I think that when you marry someone and enter into a monogamous, legal bond, you should no longer have the right to say no to sex (for a long period of time, not occasionally), because you are de facto controlling the sex life of another human being. I am so angry and resentful that my husband decided, de facto, that my life will be free of sex from now on, without discussing this with me or at least bloody apologizing that he can't hack it now. If the roles were reversed, and I was rejecting him for two years, everyone, everyone in this society would have said to him, go ahead, get a piece on the side. I am married. Sex should be available on demand. On tap. And it isn't. It's like having a horrible boyfriend without the option to break up.

No one should be married and begging for sex. Sex in marriage is a human right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest for the DHs in sexless marriages to start hitting the gym regularly and putting more thought into grooming and appearance. I'm a single mom now, but in your DWs shoes, I would definitely take notice if you suddenly lost the belly fat and were spending more time on your clothing. And didnt bother to ask me for sex for awhile, yet seemed happy nonetheless.

For the poster with the wife in remission, I'm sure the perception of her femininity took a beating during the process. If she can only have sex with the lights off, she might fear that you were see the flaws she's been hiding and be turned off. Also, knowing that you are thinking about sex most nights puts alot of pressure on her. I would also suggest planning activities for just you and the kids where she can have some more "me" time. If she's a SAHM especially.

First monk here:

She has plenty of "me time." What an ugly, cliche. Our kids are in school 9-4 every day. On weekends they are with me solo almost entirely. The second part has been that way since they were babies. Some of that was by necessity -- it was up to me to keep them entertained during her illness. But even before she was sick and since she's recovered, i've taken charge of the kids. She gets far more "me time" than I do.

As for physical appearance, I know I'm not the specimen I once was. None of us are 10 years hence. Whatever. Of course, I stop giving a shit anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of agree with the PP who resents having to ask for sex. (I assume what you mean is "beg" and not actually make clear that you want sex, which you should be doing.) I am a DW with a very healthy sex drive, and my DH and I had sex maybe five times in the last two years. Mind you, during that time I have been pregnant and then nursing but still horny as hell. I have been married for 2 1/2 years and my sex life consists mostly of masturbation.

My husband has been diagnosed with borderline low testosterone. We have no insurance now, and even when we did, it doesn't cover the drugs/cream, which come to $200 a month. I used to be understanding of this, but now I'm not. First, where else are you spending $200 a month that you could be spending on drugs that would make me, your wife, happy? Why is that other purpose more important than my happiness? Secondly, even if your penis is taking a break, you're typing and talking at work all day long, so I know for a fact that your fingers and tongue are in good working order, and I need them more than I need your penis. Thirdly, there have been times in the past when my DH wanted it and I didn't (sleepy, period etc.) and I have always accommodated him by having sex anyway, or giving him oral because his happiness is important to me.

See, I think that when you marry someone and enter into a monogamous, legal bond, you should no longer have the right to say no to sex (for a long period of time, not occasionally), because you are de facto controlling the sex life of another human being. I am so angry and resentful that my husband decided, de facto, that my life will be free of sex from now on, without discussing this with me or at least bloody apologizing that he can't hack it now. If the roles were reversed, and I was rejecting him for two years, everyone, everyone in this society would have said to him, go ahead, get a piece on the side. I am married. Sex should be available on demand. On tap. And it isn't. It's like having a horrible boyfriend without the option to break up.

No one should be married and begging for sex. Sex in marriage is a human right.

Agree with you, you sound frustrated beyond belief. This is how many men feel everyday - 24/7. Welcome to the club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest for the DHs in sexless marriages to start hitting the gym regularly and putting more thought into grooming and appearance. I'm a single mom now, but in your DWs shoes, I would definitely take notice if you suddenly lost the belly fat and were spending more time on your clothing. And didnt bother to ask me for sex for awhile, yet seemed happy nonetheless.

Not quite a monk here, but I often have essentially to beg. Guess what, I'm in better shape than I have been in 20 years. She is not. She sees my trips to the gym as selfish me-time away from her and the kids. When I don't bother to ask for sex, she is offended because she looks at her having to initiate as unbecoming. I kid you not.

As I write this, I do find myself wondering why I stay in this marriage. I do love my kids, and I pretty much still love her. Our life -- aside from sex -- is pretty good. This is the kicker: based on conversations with my male friends, and some of the posts here, I don't think my sex life after years of marriage is all that unique. Which is sad, but there it is.

[Anonymous]

Just cheat. This is not that hard. Quiet, discrete and NO RECORDS.

Wife never knows, no harm + no foul.

[Anonymous]

14:33, that is actually pretty sound advice.