Would you leave your wife if....

[Anonymous]

Get away for the weekend, just the 2 of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This forum is interesting because it appears to have viewpoints from both sides of the relationship...

There is a long thread on "Would you leave your husband if... ". Why don't we see what people say about the other situation... "Would you leave your wife if...." or from the other perspective... "I would expect my husband to leave if..."

I am married with 2 younger kids that I love very much. They are very special to me. I help get them ready in the morning for school and get them ready for bed at night.

As a dad, if I was to leave... My wife is a SAHM and I would not get custody... So both my kids and I would loose our daily routine and a lot dad time.

It would take a lot in order for me to give that up.

What about everyone else?

Maybe not. I knew someone who was divorced (spouse got primary custody) but got up early every school day, drove across town to get the kids up and do the morning routine including breakfast and school drop off. You could do that and the night time routine if you really wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been promised that image of perfect life, perfect marriage, etc. it rarely happens that way. Have you tried counseling? Asking why not? Etc.? I'm sorry you are in this, I am. I know it sucks. But no, I wouldn't give up daily contact with my kids for sex. At least not until they are much older.

Monk #1 again (and pp too -- not sock puppeting, just thinking in spurts here) --

Here's the thing. A lot of things can disrupt your sex life. Stress, kids, health issues. One thing that no one ever talks about is the degree to which cancer is a libido slayer.

As a spouse, you take a vow that includes "in sickness and in health." And so you just decide you're going to deal with celibacy during cancer, because that's the decent thing to do and sex in the context of everything else *really just isn't important.*

And eventually, the Gods smile on you and your spouse heals and recovers. But sometimes, that part of your life just doesn't come back. Even though you try, with the varying degrees of effort previously described, to reignite that spark. Some cancer treatments simply assasinate the cancer libido. So you, the healthy spouse, feel a number of conflicting emotions. They include: 1) Relief and joy that your wife is going to survive because you really do love her; and 2) Rejection, even though you know intellectually that it's really not her fault. The sinister thing is the longer you feel rejected, the less attracted to her you feel because at the end of the day, who really wants to grovel?

But still, every day you wake up to those two beaming faces of the creatures you and she made together. One is now 9, the other 7, and you love them so much it aches. You make their school lunches and their breakfasts before heading off to the career in which you used to have such huge ambitions can't hold a candle to your desire to leave the office at 5 so you can come home and help with homework and maybe if you're lucky play a game or two before bed. You live for the weekends, where you might as well be *dating* your children the way you plan the activities so carefully.

And then, after they're in bed and you are nursing your third beer while dw does whatever she's doing on the laptop, you just fight the sadness and the resentment. And for a minute you think "fuck it, I should just go upstairs and make it happen" and then you remember the last two times you tried that approach: the ambivalent "get it over with" attitude the first time and the cold shoulder the second. And you figure why bother and you fantasize for a minute about separating and getting an apartment in the city. And then you remember your bank balance. But more importantly you think of those girls for whom you live now. And so you look for porn On Demand and pray that DW stays the fuck upstairs for 10 minutes instead of coming down to your man cave to tell you the six new ways she wants to spend the money you earn.

This is my life. Fun times.

[Anonymous]

AnonymousMaybe not. I knew someone who was divorced (spouse got primary custody) but got up early every school day, drove across town to get the kids up and do the morning routine including breakfast and school drop off. You could do that and the night time routine if you really wanted to.[/quote wrote:


Didn't I read about this in the Washington Post?

I remember thinking at the time:

1) Good for him.
2) Good for HER.
3) Why the fuck didn't he just sleep in the guest room if he was going to live this way? This is how I do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20:01 here...I'm talking to 18:31 and 19:28.

I'm not maligning the monk posters.

Why over the line? If two people cn't get along or don't want to, that's not a good model for children is it? The priest thing was a joke, get over it.

I'm the first "monk" -- the sexless part is separate from the getting along part. We actually get along well enough. There's just no sex. I'm sure this is difficult for some people to grasp, but it does exist. It perplexes me. I've tried a variety of techniques: I've asked hinted, asked straight out, pleaded once or twice, but it just doesn't happen. Two or three times a year, with the lights out and a grudging "I guess we'd better do it" remark or two kind of makes you give up after a while.

Here's the thing, though: An affair is still a marriage killer. So, if you are a dad with normal needs and you genuinely love your kids and want to see them daily, what are you supposed to do? I'm too risk-averse to get some on the side and, frankly, I don't have enough energy to do that either. I'm no good at lying, and I can't afford a divorce, monetarily or emotionally.

I think many couples go through a stage like this. Do you talk to her about it? I would say, try counseling, but my husband and I found it to be a joke. We actually got over our problem by joking about it!
I hope it works out for you....we use a lot of humor.....get her tipsy!


So, I'm trapped. It's not fair, I know. So, what am I supposed to do? Disrupt everything because I don't get any?

That's why I said I'm basically a monk. It's not a willing vow of celibacy, but... it's still celibacy.

[Anonymous]

Wow PP, Female here, wishing you some peace.

[Anonymous]

Before you get married no one tells you how important it is to match sex drivers. I wish some one had told me. I feel you man.

[Anonymous]

20:48, from one dude to another, that's a powerful poignant story, and like the female PP, I wish you some peace.

That said, the issue you describe (having to grovel for it, and still not getting it that much) is far too common, and usually w/o a life threatening illness thrown in the mix. Ladies of DCUM, if you are on the other side of such a relationship, well, you certainly don't deserve the digital ink you will spill here when you discover "your" man has been stepping out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20:01 here...I'm talking to 18:31 and 19:28.

I'm not maligning the monk posters.

Why over the line? If two people cn't get along or don't want to, that's not a good model for children is it? The priest thing was a joke, get over it.

I'm the first "monk" -- the sexless part is separate from the getting along part. We actually get along well enough. There's just no sex. I'm sure this is difficult for some people to grasp, but it does exist. It perplexes me. I've tried a variety of techniques: I've asked hinted, asked straight out, pleaded once or twice, but it just doesn't happen. Two or three times a year, with the lights out and a grudging "I guess we'd better do it" remark or two kind of makes you give up after a while.

Here's the thing, though: An affair is still a marriage killer. So, if you are a dad with normal needs and you genuinely love your kids and want to see them daily, what are you supposed to do? I'm too risk-averse to get some on the side and, frankly, I don't have enough energy to do that either. I'm no good at lying, and I can't afford a divorce, monetarily or emotionally.

So, I'm trapped. It's not fair, I know. So, what am I supposed to do? Disrupt everything because I don't get any?

That's why I said I'm basically a monk. It's not a willing vow of celibacy, but... it's still celibacy.

Counseling. It's not just for women to suggest. Men don't like it, but screw it, you aren't getting laid and it is a legitimate marital issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been promised that image of perfect life, perfect marriage, etc. it rarely happens that way. Have you tried counseling? Asking why not? Etc.? I'm sorry you are in this, I am. I know it sucks. But no, I wouldn't give up daily contact with my kids for sex. At least not until they are much older.

Monk #1 again (and pp too -- not sock puppeting, just thinking in spurts here) --

Here's the thing. A lot of things can disrupt your sex life. Stress, kids, health issues. One thing that no one ever talks about is the degree to which cancer is a libido slayer.

As a spouse, you take a vow that includes "in sickness and in health." And so you just decide you're going to deal with celibacy during cancer, because that's the decent thing to do and sex in the context of everything else *really just isn't important.*

And eventually, the Gods smile on you and your spouse heals and recovers. But sometimes, that part of your life just doesn't come back. Even though you try, with the varying degrees of effort previously described, to reignite that spark. Some cancer treatments simply assasinate the cancer libido. So you, the healthy spouse, feel a number of conflicting emotions. They include: 1) Relief and joy that your wife is going to survive because you really do love her; and 2) Rejection, even though you know intellectually that it's really not her fault. The sinister thing is the longer you feel rejected, the less attracted to her you feel because at the end of the day, who really wants to grovel?

But still, every day you wake up to those two beaming faces of the creatures you and she made together. One is now 9, the other 7, and you love them so much it aches. You make their school lunches and their breakfasts before heading off to the career in which you used to have such huge ambitions can't hold a candle to your desire to leave the office at 5 so you can come home and help with homework and maybe if you're lucky play a game or two before bed. You live for the weekends, where you might as well be *dating* your children the way you plan the activities so carefully.

And then, after they're in bed and you are nursing your third beer while dw does whatever she's doing on the laptop, you just fight the sadness and the resentment. And for a minute you think "fuck it, I should just go upstairs and make it happen" and then you remember the last two times you tried that approach: the ambivalent "get it over with" attitude the first time and the cold shoulder the second. And you figure why bother and you fantasize for a minute about separating and getting an apartment in the city. And then you remember your bank balance. But more importantly you think of those girls for whom you live now. And so you look for porn On Demand and pray that DW stays the fuck upstairs for 10 minutes instead of coming down to your man cave to tell you the six new ways she wants to spend the money you earn.

This is my life. Fun times.

You shouldn't have to sacrifice forever. Your wife's cancer is over. Get to a medical specialist if it is a medical issue. Get to counseling if it is a counseling issue.

YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. It's not a betrayal of your wife to want it. It is not wrong to say it.

[Anonymous]

"As a dad, if I was to leave... My wife is a SAHM and I would not get custody... So both my kids and I would loose our daily routine and a lot dad time."

Dude, grow a pair and force this bitch to get off of her ass and get a job!

[Anonymous]

PP. Sorry. That is hard, I bet maybe your wife is hurting too-- perhaps cancer disfigured her body or she feels as though it did? Definite counseling, and you sound like a great Dad. Hoping you get some closeness with your wife.

[Anonymous]

22:14, How would her employment status change things? She would still get custody if I did pursue a divorce. She keeps busy during the day doing several things... So she isn't on sitting on her ass all day...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a very involved dad. Access to my kids is the only reason I stay in my sexless marriage. I might as well be a monk.

+1

+2

+3. I'm the DW. Done begging. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on, PPs, that's over the line.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VABSoHYQr6k&list=FLNF8jH5-DkX2KlSJ7l0o1tw&index=100&feature=plpp_video