How to cope with a huge drop in living standard for you and the kids post-divorce?

[Anonymous]

PP here. I'm thinking OP is not interested in relocating. It's a tough thing to get the court to agree to allow. I know a woman who remarried and the court would not let her relocate until her ex decided to allow her to move. I know another woman who spent over $150,000 in legal fees to get permission to relocate. This was 10 years ago!

Generally speaking, representing yourself is very time consuming. It takes a long time to study the process, write up the motions, make sure you've submitted the proper forms, affidavits of service, etc. You spend half a day going to court, only to be told you filled out the motion wrong and have to come back. I'm doing it right now, not for a relocation matter.

[Anonymous]

No real practical advice here, but I just wanted to chime in from the perspective of a kid whose mom faced something similar. My mom was SAH when she left my father who was abusing her. She got no child support, lived in a tiny apartment with me and my brother, and got friends to watch us while she cocktail waitressed. I know from talking to her now that she was incredibly stressed during that time, but from my perspective (I was 3-5 during this time), I had no idea. I was totally happy, glad to be away from the fights she had with my dad, had no idea we were poor. We got one present each one Christmas, and I never thought that was strange, I just loved that present. Kids are incredibly resilient. You will get through this time, and your kids will learn a lot from you about what matters - loving each other, and staying strong no matter what. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You are living in DC proper? Crazy. Everything is more expensive there...from taxes and daycare to food. Get out into the burbs. There are pleanty of jobs in the burbs. DH and I have NEVER had to commute to a job even inside the beltway and we have 6 figure income requirements.

Im in VA? Wanna know how much my babies daycare is at a quality place? $200/wk, including meals.

[Anonymous]

OP here, it would be helpful to hear from people who have actually had to cope with this situation or who lived through it as kids. The bickering about NC and food stamps and relocationg, all of which are not options, doesn't really help me. I am extremely stressed and would love advice from those who have made it through.

I saw a career counselor who was pretty grim and the finances are really tough. After my long stretch out of the workforce it will be tough to find something that pays more than childcare, never mind covers new clothes and commuting. STBX has a lot of issues I didn't go into, the idea of going without health insurance and possibly having something happen to me terrifies me, he would not be able to raise the kids. Not much extended family, mostly elderly or without spare $ to help. So, I'm it. Babysitting might work if I had an infant or toddler but I have multiple kids. There really was no money for him to leave. We can't move into a 1 br, it violates zoning, can't afford to stay where we are and can't afford something else. 2 DC have asthma so roach infested places or basements are out, or at least in our old life they would have been. I can't believe I was worried about organic milk and early puberty (a risk for DD) just a few days ago, now it's having $ for food in a few months. Just surreal. While he is living the high life. And if his affair ends we are even more screwed financially, he was clear that he would rent a 1 br for himself. There just isn't $.

If anyone had a helpful therapist or coach as you went through this I could really use some support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, it would be helpful to hear from people who have actually had to cope with this situation or who lived through it as kids. The bickering about NC and food stamps and relocationg, all of which are not options, doesn't really help me. I am extremely stressed and would love advice from those who have made it through.

I saw a career counselor who was pretty grim and the finances are really tough. After my long stretch out of the workforce it will be tough to find something that pays more than childcare, never mind covers new clothes and commuting. STBX has a lot of issues I didn't go into, the idea of going without health insurance and possibly having something happen to me terrifies me, he would not be able to raise the kids. Not much extended family, mostly elderly or without spare $ to help. So, I'm it. Babysitting might work if I had an infant or toddler but I have multiple kids. There really was no money for him to leave. We can't move into a 1 br, it violates zoning, can't afford to stay where we are and can't afford something else. 2 DC have asthma so roach infested places or basements are out, or at least in our old life they would have been. I can't believe I was worried about organic milk and early puberty (a risk for DD) just a few days ago, now it's having $ for food in a few months. Just surreal. While he is living the high life. And if his affair ends we are even more screwed financially, he was clear that he would rent a 1 br for himself. There just isn't $.

If anyone had a helpful therapist or coach as you went through this I could really use some support.

Can you stay with friends temporarily, at least until you can find a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, it would be helpful to hear from people who have actually had to cope with this situation or who lived through it as kids. The bickering about NC and food stamps and relocationg, all of which are not options, doesn't really help me. I am extremely stressed and would love advice from those who have made it through.

I saw a career counselor who was pretty grim and the finances are really tough. After my long stretch out of the workforce it will be tough to find something that pays more than childcare, never mind covers new clothes and commuting. STBX has a lot of issues I didn't go into, the idea of going without health insurance and possibly having something happen to me terrifies me, he would not be able to raise the kids. Not much extended family, mostly elderly or without spare $ to help. So, I'm it. Babysitting might work if I had an infant or toddler but I have multiple kids. There really was no money for him to leave. We can't move into a 1 br, it violates zoning, can't afford to stay where we are and can't afford something else. 2 DC have asthma so roach infested places or basements are out, or at least in our old life they would have been. I can't believe I was worried about organic milk and early puberty (a risk for DD) just a few days ago, now it's having $ for food in a few months. Just surreal. While he is living the high life. And if his affair ends we are even more screwed financially, he was clear that he would rent a 1 br for himself. There just isn't $.

If anyone had a helpful therapist or coach as you went through this I could really use some support.

Can you stay with friends temporarily, at least until you can find a job?

Unfortunately, no. Two friends who would be possiblities have had changes in their own circumstances. No one has an extra br. I'd couch surf if it was just me but there are the kids.

[Anonymous]

another suggestion to move to the 'burbs. ARL has low-income housing services.

http://www.apah.org/

ALso, as a child of a mom who went through this, how is a great time! Lots of people give food and clothes ect at times like this. contact local churches, and donation centers. Many, many churches have food pantry's. You don't need to go to the church to benefit.

As for a job, in ARL we pay 15/hr for one child 20 for 2 (share situation). There are people needing childcare in a lot of situations. So your availability might work. your little one is a problem but again, ARL has part time day care too..

Good luck. It is possible. My mom took it all out on me and now I don't talk to her so that is that. I only mention b/c you've asked for a therapist rec and I strongly suggest that you listen to that little voice if at all possible.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I'm divorced and I've been struggling for years. Do you have credit cards? Most of my divorced friends and I have gone into debt to finance our existence. Can you work from home doing something online while the children are in school? Also you may be able to find a job babysitting while the children are in school. Some mothers do not want fulltime nannies. Put an ad here, and on the Yahoo! listserv in your neighborhood and adjoining neighborhoods.

[Anonymous]

This is why the SAHM/WOHM debate is moot: Only one of those women walks away happy if DH leaves.

[Anonymous]

That's helpful, 17:24. Most SAHM's marriages don't end in divorce. And divorce upends WOHM's lives, too, especially if they have demanding jobs in that they can't work as late as often, or travel as much, etc., without sacrificing custody. I'm a PP but not OP.

[Anonymous]

OP - you have two choices - whine and make excuses or suck it up and realize that you wasted too much time already.

You knew he was going to bail and you should have been doing something long before now.

You can't afford to live in DC. This is good and bad news. Bad news - you have to move. Good news - the outer burbs have better schools, cheaper housing, and more plentiful jobs in the service sectors.

And I have noticed a trend - everyone with a hard luck story always manages to have a "special needs" child. Asthma is not a "special need" - its an actual medical condition that it very manageable.

[Anonymous]

18:37 You're really, really mean.

[Anonymous]

Alrighty, upthread meanies. Let's actually try to HELP the OP, shall we?

Job ideas for OP:

After school sitter, especially if you can pick other people's kids up from school. There are a zillion people looking for this in my neighborhood. If the timing works out you could pick up your kids and other people's kid together so you aren't missing anything for your kids.

Morning nanny/in home care provider. This will not work for a full time working mom, but many moms who are PT, work from home or just have older kids they are running here or there would love to find someone with whom they could feel comofrtable dropping off their child for a few hours.

Do you have any affiliation - church, kids' school, etc. - that could possibly be looking for a part-time office assistant? Some churches even have daycare, so that might be an option.

Work you can do from home - temp office work, data entry, admin stuff, etc. I would contact a temp agency and see what they recommend.

Dogwalking. You would have to figure out what to do with your child, but we pay our dogwalker $18 to come for 20 minutes. Every work day. That's $90/week.

Tutoring. Can you hold yourself out as a credible tutor in a particular subject area?

Check sittercity for babysitting/nanny opportunities. Also check out the local neighborhood papers for Georgetown, Chevy Chase, MD and the Northwest Current to see whether people are looking for someone to do something you can do. I live in upper Northwest, and many people in this neighborhood, me included, have more money than time. We pay for all kinds of crazy things. Honestly. I'll bet you could make a fortune just hiring yourself out to wait for the cable guy or whatever. I'm serious.

I also think the coabode suggestion is a good one. I looked into it briefly several years ago when I thought I might be getting divorced, and it seemed like a good program. Also consider whether you could find a trade childcare for rent situation. Many people in this part of town have au pair suites in their basements with a full kitchen and everything. It might be tough to find somebody who is willing to take on three kids plus you, but you never know.

Finally, I am sorry OP. I want to kick your STBX myself. Look into some of the local women's and pro bono organizations - WEAVE or the DC Legal Aid, for example - to see if you could find a pro bono or reduced cost lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18:37 You're really, really mean.

I am mean because I told her the truth? Give me a break - she is a complaining and not doing anything to help her situation.

[Anonymous]

I am hearing two different things.
1) You are going to have to live very close to the edge and you should just do everything you can to manage the finances. Save as much money as possible by cooking rice and beans, clipping coupons, go to a food pantry for food, shop at goodwill, and bring in as much cash as you can babysitting or nannying or freelancing from home while your youngest naps. You can do it. It's hard work, it's humbling, it's not how you "wanted" to raise your kids, but you can do it.

2) You are frightened and anxious. Understandable. Can you find a support network like a church or a girlfriend you email/phone? Can you count your blessing? Two of your kids are school-aged. Thank goodness. You have a roof over your head. You get a night off when your STBX does take the kids. I get that you struggle to feel good, but you have to make yourself realize that things could be much--MUCH--worse and you are blessed to have what you have.

Hang in there. You can do it.