How to cope with a huge drop in living standard for you and the kids post-divorce?

[Anonymous]

We are going from a 2 br rented apt to probably a 1 br. STBX has bolted and taken up with a wealthy woman and is living high on the hog. Due to a return to school for his second career and a SN DC there is little savings and a lot of debt. I have been a SAHM for 8 years and have not been able to find work. Money was super tight before his departure so cuts are going to hurt. This year was the first where he has made decent $. We are DCPS with an occasional rec center class and an 11 yr old car kind of people. I am terrified, there won't be $ for me to be on COBRA and I have little retirement savings. No options re: a place to go or financial support. Surely others, even on DCUM have BTDT and might have advice or support?

[Anonymous]

OP here, to clarify, the older DC are in DCPS, the youngest is still too young. Finding flexible work that pays more than childcare is really hard. STBX sees the kids one evening and one weekend day so it's not much childcare coverage.

[Anonymous]

What did you do before SAH? Do you have friends/family that could help you out with childcare? Could you join or start a babysitting coop? Do you qualify for food stamps? What are your debts? Credit cards? Student loans? Student loans would be the responsibility of your ex.

[Anonymous]

No advice. Just sorry you are going through this. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you do before SAH? Do you have friends/family that could help you out with childcare? Could you join or start a babysitting coop? Do you qualify for food stamps? What are your debts? Credit cards? Student loans? Student loans would be the responsibility of your ex.

We will have too much child support to qualify for food stamps and I won't qualify for DC insurance. Credit card and student loan debt is his, but it also cuts into the pot of money that could go to a settlement payout. No family in the area or able to help with $. We will just be able to get by but it is going to be even that much leaner than it is now. Just kind of freaking out about how tight it is going to be and how different. I had thought things would be in such a different place now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice. Just sorry you are going through this. Hang in there.

Thanks.

I guess I mean more how did you cope emotionally and manage anxiety and the kids' expectations? We were barely middle class by DC standards before and now things like organic milk are out of the question for the time being at least.

I didn't think STBX was super materialistic either, at least before. He says that being with gfriend allows him to provide better, he is getting subsidized so needs less of his income for himself at the moment. Of course, we'd like our family back together, it's all a mess. Do people ever wake up out of midlife crises and think they have made a mistake?

[Anonymous]

I certainly wouldn't go back with him if he did change his mind. You don't need flaky people in your life. What did you do for work before the kids? Do you have a college degree? I worked as a nanny before my child went back to school. People will pay decent money for a nanny and you could probably find a job with PT hours so you wouldn't have to pay for childcare for your own children. For most people, organic milk is out of the question. You will be fine w/o it. GL!

[Anonymous]

Forget a midlife crisis. He just put his kids under the poverty line for selfish reasons. His GF could drop him at any moment and then what?

You should file for food stamps before child support payments are official. Sounds like you have 3 kids, so you would make out well. Don't assume that you dont qualify for assistance. Go down there and let them tell you "no" first. How about trying to become a nanny? How old is your youngest?

My GF's XH left her with 2 kids under 2, a huge mortgage, and a $2700 daycare bill. His wages are now garnished to provide childcare, but she's in foreclosure. She is an extremely positive person though and it really goes a long way. She is thankful to be out of the marriage, and is pursuing other interests. Keep a strong front for your kids. The team is only as strong as the captain. If your kids constantly see you crying, they will hide their own feelings to appear "strong" for you. My mom was so strong when my parents split that I didnt feel like anything was wrong (I was 8 at the time). Now that I'm older, I know that she was stressed and unhappy at the time.

This is a pivotal moment in your life. You have choices. Whatever you do, don't become a victim. How can you make life for you and your family better than it was before?

[Anonymous]

She already said she can't file for food stamps! It has nothing to do with child support payments becoming official. If she gets them, the payments are official. She can't apply and lie about them. Do you think OP hasn't researched this adequately?

As for becoming a victim, I think OP is already a victim. Show a little empathy on that front! I think the advice should be to not let herself become more of a victim -- but with the understanding that it is TOUGH. Especially with a SN child and no family in the area and the economy in the pits.

OP, the nanny is a good thought but it's a juggling act if families expect you to be there through 6:30 as many do.

Put on the bravest face you can, and don't use words like "poor" or "broke." Say you're on a budget. That's what I've done. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

when does your health insurance run out? will he still cover the kids?

[Anonymous]

Can you move to a more low cost area?

[Anonymous]

Jbs that can put cash in your pocket:
- babysitting. I've done this as a SAHM. Earned $10/hour.
- try calling the phone numbers on those signs that say "We Buy Houses". Those guys usually hire people to generate form letters and stuff envelopes. I've done it for $10/hour.
- walk dogs. Never done it so I don't know what it pays.
- look on "gigs" on Craigslist for odd jobs that you could do with your child.
- search craigslist for virtual assistant jobs and work from home jobs. Here's one http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/csr/2651059306.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She already said she can't file for food stamps! It has nothing to do with child support payments becoming official. If she gets them, the payments are official. She can't apply and lie about them. Do you think OP hasn't researched this adequately?

As for becoming a victim, I think OP is already a victim. Show a little empathy on that front! I think the advice should be to not let herself become more of a victim -- but with the understanding that it is TOUGH. Especially with a SN child and no family in the area and the economy in the pits.

OP, the nanny is a good thought but it's a juggling act if families expect you to be there through 6:30 as many do.

Put on the bravest face you can, and don't use words like "poor" or "broke." Say you're on a budget. That's what I've done. Good luck.

Why are you so grumpy? Lots of people assume they wont qualify for things that they do. Currently she is unemployed. If she doesn't have official payments and her husband is outside of the home, guess what? She might qualify (and she needs it, quite frankly).

[Anonymous]

^^^Just to add, I'm coming from the perspective of a single parent who has gone through something similar, except I WOHM. My expenses are still more than my income, but this is temporary. Becoming a victim of your circumstances is a choice. I chose the wrong man at one point in my life, but that doesnt have to define the course of my life, or OPs, going forward. She already knows it wont be an easy road ahead. Duh.

OP, I imagine your STBX wasn't depressed when you met him. I wouldnt be surprised if his relationship goes sour with the new woman at some point. And even if it doesn't, it doesn't mean its a happy relationship. Character rarely changes. A good man wouldn't desert his family like this.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you move closer to family with a lower cost of living?