How to cope with a huge drop in living standard for you and the kids post-divorce?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position, OP. I've got two SN kids and know what it's like to stress about money, food and services. I think you've gotten some really good advice here. The only thing I haven't seen mentioned is contacting the guidance counselors at your older DC's school. They can keep an eye on your kids to make sure they get a little more attention at school and can also provide things like free winter coats, clothes and school supplies. They are also usually hooked into local service groups that may be able to provide asisstance to you. You should also see about getting them signed up for free/reduced meals. They're a resource you may be able to tap into. Also, I don't believe there are any zoning prohibitions on you and your DCs being in a one bedroom. I don't live in DC but I believe those restrictions apply only to people who are not related, not to a parent and children. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Yes.
Landlords cannot discriminate. 2 people can live in a studio, 3 in a 1 bedroom

[Anonymous]

I think there is some validity to the argument that you should move to the suburbs because it is cheaper and there are more jobs. However, another thing to consider is that DCPS has free preschool starting at 3. Depending on how old your youngest is, you should consider whether or not you are inbounds for a school with a preschool program or if you could move inbounds to a school with a preschool program. I am sure others on here could give you more info about the details to that, but not having a daycare payment would allow you a lot more flexibility in the kinds of jobs that you can take. You can't be more than a year or two from this possibility - which probably seems like an eternity - but it could be something that you can have on the horizon that will make things easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes.
Landlords cannot discriminate. 2 people can live in a studio, 3 in a 1 bedroom

But, when faced with a choice between two tenants, they can choose the one without three kids. It will make a difference for the OP in terms of what she will find available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP A few thought and questions for you to consider, in no particular order.

If you can't afford your current place, you have to move. You'll get more for your money in the burbs than in DC. Look into how far away you can move without legal blocks.

You mentioned counseling, how will you pay for that?

What are your current monthly expenses and when are they due for payment? Get a notebook and write it all down. Also write what your current income is, what you NEED to buy and what you can do without.

If you have cable, cancel it, change your cell phone plan to a bare bones version. Look around your house. Do you have things you and your kids don't need that you can sell, within reason of course so don't sell your children's toys unless they don't want some of them.

Forget about buying organic foods. You really can't afford it when you are barely keeping you and your kids clothed and fed.

You are being sarcastic and defensive which will not help but I understand where you are coming from. I was genuinely trying to help. Nowhere in the prior post did I suggest that you would squander money on a massage, really. You did not previously state that you had considered the ideas I mentioned In crisis people sometimes do overlook the obvious. Next time you are seeking help online, if you don't want 'obvious' suggestions, you should state that in your original post.

I hope things work out for you.


OP here, Thanks for the obvious suggestions, I never would have considered those things. I don't have cable, haven't been able to afford it in years. No cell plan, just a prepaid for emergencies. Thanks for the toy tip, you are RIGHT, I shouldn't think of selling their toys to buy myself a massage, what could I have been thinking?

As I said upthread, one of my kids is at risk of early puberty, which has social and medical ramifications (short stature for one). The ped had recommended organic milk and the symptoms did go away. It kills me to not be able to afford something like that now when just a little bit of extra $ could be life altering.

To all you privileged, entitled meanies, let me tell you your life can change on a dime. You are not immune from layoffs, medical crises or midlife crises of spouses. As I said, and Jeff reiterated, I was looking for support and ideas from those who have been in my situation as parents or kids.

[Anonymous]

Sorry my post got mixed into the quote. My new post starts with "you are being sarcastic" and ends with "I hope things work out well for you".

[Anonymous]

I'm going through a divorce and it's hard. Part of what is hard is reconciling what you wanted (or pictured) with the new is, but the thing to realize is that your kids don't know the difference. So just put the best face on what is now and focus on your love for them and put to the side your personal disappoinment, and realize it's yours (not theirs.)

Some of the good news you might think about:
* while it's hard not to be able to work when you need money, being home with your youngest will make saving money much, much easier. you can really focus on getting the best prices, going to different stores based on the specials they are running in a given week (especially important for you because you need to buy organic), getting to goodwill and having the time to select clothes, and so forth.
* nutritious food is more time consuming to cook, but you will be able to make more bean based soups and healthier and less expensive foods by using a crock pot and cooking while your kids are in school.


Regarding your child with the danger of early puberty, you might think about whether there are any clinical trials going on. It can be a good way to get excellent health care.
http://clinicaltrials.gov/

And regarding your personal anxiety, you might see if you can phone schools in the area with graduate psychology programs. They often do counseling for the community, essentially pro bono.

GL to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry my post got mixed into the quote. My new post starts with "you are being sarcastic" and ends with "I hope things work out well for you".

OP here, thanks, I genuinely appreciate the good wishes. I really am up against it, wish I had things like cable to cut. Thanks also for posting the additional clarifying message, that was truly kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going through a divorce and it's hard. Part of what is hard is reconciling what you wanted (or pictured) with the new is, but the thing to realize is that your kids don't know the difference. So just put the best face on what is now and focus on your love for them and put to the side your personal disappoinment, and realize it's yours (not theirs.)

Some of the good news you might think about:
* while it's hard not to be able to work when you need money, being home with your youngest will make saving money much, much easier. you can really focus on getting the best prices, going to different stores based on the specials they are running in a given week (especially important for you because you need to buy organic), getting to goodwill and having the time to select clothes, and so forth.
* nutritious food is more time consuming to cook, but you will be able to make more bean based soups and healthier and less expensive foods by using a crock pot and cooking while your kids are in school.


Regarding your child with the danger of early puberty, you might think about whether there are any clinical trials going on. It can be a good way to get excellent health care.
http://clinicaltrials.gov/

And regarding your personal anxiety, you might see if you can phone schools in the area with graduate psychology programs. They often do counseling for the community, essentially pro bono.

GL to you

OP here, thanks for the excellent ideas. My doc asked if I'd always had an anxiety problem, I don't think I did. I did try one medication but it's not compatible with taking care of kids. Best to your family as well as you navigate this.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have to give your children milk?
Calcium is included in vegetables. Milk can actually be avoided.
What is it in organic milk that your kid cannot get out of other foods?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What on earth are the earlier posts about? The OP is clearly not a stripper or teenage mom. She is just a very unlucky but not very financially independent or astute SAHM who relied on her husband for everything and now it has backfired.

She deserves sympathy and good advice. OP, plenty of women have been in your shoes but they survived and you will too. Kids are resilient and will be fine. Is early puberty going to kill your daughter? No. Then forget it and toughen up. In fact, Kim Cattrell's father left when she was a child and because of that her family were left destitute. In those days, that was your lot. They actually went hungry a lot. Women then were left to charity of neighbors. You are better off because you can work and you can earn money and have legal rights, which is really a victory for feminism.

It's tough to be poor. It's tough to fall a class level. It's tough to bulk shop and snip coupons and collect pennies in jars to redeem in those machines. It's tough to be financially insecure. But these are also vital skills. Now you have a chance to truly learn house management and economic survival skills. Think of it like a full time job.

And if you remarry, I would think twice before making yourself dependent again. Or maybe you can get your husband's gf to introduce you to some of his rich friends?

I'm married to a former teenage dad who is an upstanding member of society. OP deserves our support regardless of her situation - even if she WERE a teenage mom- she still deserves support.

[Anonymous]

I'm no stripper (God forbid!) but I'll come to their defense, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you have two choices - whine and make excuses or suck it up and realize that you wasted too much time already.

You knew he was going to bail and you should have been doing something long before now.

You can't afford to live in DC. This is good and bad news. Bad news - you have to move. Good news - the outer burbs have better schools, cheaper housing, and more plentiful jobs in the service sectors.

And I have noticed a trend - everyone with a hard luck story always manages to have a "special needs" child. Asthma is not a "special need" - its an actual medical condition that it very manageable.

OP here, you are an asshole. You know nothing about my child and his diagnoses or what was recommended by specialists. I am the one with asthma, jerk. People like you who try to pile on when people are having a hard time are really the lowest of the low. You may want to think about the karma you are creating.

An asthma isn't a special need in adults either.

Neither is the possibility of a child entering early puberty. And no,organic milk does not "cure" early puberty.

One is not at a "low point" when they have to buy standard milk. A low point is when one can no longer afford to buy milk at all- nor other groceries.