How to cope with a huge drop in living standard for you and the kids post-divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:37 You're really, really mean.

I am mean because I told her the truth? Give me a break - she is a complaining and not doing anything to help her situation.

NP here. I completely agree with 18:37. I'm sorry that it is hard for the OP, but she is spending more effort putting up roadblocks than trying to solve problems.

[jsteele]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:37 You're really, really mean.

I am mean because I told her the truth? Give me a break - she is a complaining and not doing anything to help her situation.

NP here. I completely agree with 18:37. I'm sorry that it is hard for the OP, but she is spending more effort putting up roadblocks than trying to solve problems.

The original poster has been pretty clear that she is seeking advice from those who have found themselves in similar circumstances. So, please keep replies limited to those that are responsive to the original poster's request.

[Anonymous]

OP, where are you? DC/VA/MD? I'm sorry I didn't read through the whole thread -- so if you mentioned it -- I missed it.

However, there are a lot of programs that might be available to you, particularly for things like health insurance for your kids. In Maryland, MCHP covers families up to 200% of the federal poverty level. So for a family of three, if you make less than about $37,000, your kids would be eligible for health care coverage. Yes, it's similar to Medicaid, and yes there are some problems finding some providers. But it "is" comprehensive care, and it's free. And no preexisting condition issues, etc.

Maryland also has programs like Child Care Assistance Vouchers (MoCo), Working Parent Assistance Program, and the State's Purchase of Care program that all help working parents find affordable child care. Unfortunately, there are likely waiting lists for some (all?) of these programs, but they are worth checking out.

I'm sure VA and DC have similar programs.

[Anonymous]

NP A few thought and questions for you to consider, in no particular order.

If you can't afford your current place, you have to move. You'll get more for your money in the burbs than in DC. Look into how far away you can move without legal blocks.

You mentioned counseling, how will you pay for that?

What are your current monthly expenses and when are they due for payment? Get a notebook and write it all down. Also write what your current income is, what you NEED to buy and what you can do without.

If you have cable, cancel it, change your cell phone plan to a bare bones version. Look around your house. Do you have things you and your kids don't need that you can sell, within reason of course so don't sell your children's toys unless they don't want some of them.

Forget about buying organic foods. You really can't afford it when you are barely keeping you and your kids clothed and fed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you have two choices - whine and make excuses or suck it up and realize that you wasted too much time already.

You knew he was going to bail and you should have been doing something long before now.

You can't afford to live in DC. This is good and bad news. Bad news - you have to move. Good news - the outer burbs have better schools, cheaper housing, and more plentiful jobs in the service sectors.

And I have noticed a trend - everyone with a hard luck story always manages to have a "special needs" child. Asthma is not a "special need" - its an actual medical condition that it very manageable.

OP here, you are an asshole. You know nothing about my child and his diagnoses or what was recommended by specialists. I am the one with asthma, jerk. People like you who try to pile on when people are having a hard time are really the lowest of the low. You may want to think about the karma you are creating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am hearing two different things.
1) You are going to have to live very close to the edge and you should just do everything you can to manage the finances. Save as much money as possible by cooking rice and beans, clipping coupons, go to a food pantry for food, shop at goodwill, and bring in as much cash as you can babysitting or nannying or freelancing from home while your youngest naps. You can do it. It's hard work, it's humbling, it's not how you "wanted" to raise your kids, but you can do it.

2) You are frightened and anxious. Understandable. Can you find a support network like a church or a girlfriend you email/phone? Can you count your blessing? Two of your kids are school-aged. Thank goodness. You have a roof over your head. You get a night off when your STBX does take the kids. I get that you struggle to feel good, but you have to make yourself realize that things could be much--MUCH--worse and you are blessed to have what you have.

Hang in there. You can do it.

OP here. You are right on both counts. Working on both. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP A few thought and questions for you to consider, in no particular order.

If you can't afford your current place, you have to move. You'll get more for your money in the burbs than in DC. Look into how far away you can move without legal blocks.

You mentioned counseling, how will you pay for that?

What are your current monthly expenses and when are they due for payment? Get a notebook and write it all down. Also write what your current income is, what you NEED to buy and what you can do without.

If you have cable, cancel it, change your cell phone plan to a bare bones version. Look around your house. Do you have things you and your kids don't need that you can sell, within reason of course so don't sell your children's toys unless they don't want some of them.

Forget about buying organic foods. You really can't afford it when you are barely keeping you and your kids clothed and fed.

OP here, Thanks for the obvious suggestions, I never would have considered those things. I don't have cable, haven't been able to afford it in years. No cell plan, just a prepaid for emergencies. Thanks for the toy tip, you are RIGHT, I shouldn't think of selling their toys to buy myself a massage, what could I have been thinking?

As I said upthread, one of my kids is at risk of early puberty, which has social and medical ramifications (short stature for one). The ped had recommended organic milk and the symptoms did go away. It kills me to not be able to afford something like that now when just a little bit of extra $ could be life altering.

To all you privileged, entitled meanies, let me tell you your life can change on a dime. You are not immune from layoffs, medical crises or midlife crises of spouses. As I said, and Jeff reiterated, I was looking for support and ideas from those who have been in my situation as parents or kids.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I got my cheap-o post-divorce counseling at The Women's Center. They have a DC office and a VA location. Also, they take insurance. Use it while you got it! They also see you without it if you don't have it, with a sliding scale.

[Anonymous]

Hey also (me again, with the shit-fan mantra and the Women's Center recommendation), despite the almost overwhelmingly ubiquitous advice to do otherwise and shaming that goes along with it, especially here on this board, debt ain't so bad.

I racked up RIDICULOUS credit card debt on fun stuff like groceries and utilities. I had cut every damn thing I could cut. Know what? I wasn't struck by lightning. Jacob Marley did not come for me in my dreams wearing a chain made of expired Amex cards. We don't have debtors prisons. Lots of people live relatively normal lives with crappy credit. Mine took FOREVER to pay off, and it sometimes still visits me. Whatever. We're fed, clothed, and housed, and I don't have a dickhead throwing dishes at my head and telling me I'm a crappy human being anymore. I think this was a positive trade off.

Pay housing first. Then food. Then whatever's going to get shut off first. Medical bills come LAST! They are not going to re-install your appendix or repo your inhaler.

Also, build your village.

You are NOT going to sink!!!!
xoxo

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier, noting that all the divorced women I know went into credit card debt, including me. But that was when credit was easy. OP, do you have credit cards?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier, noting that all the divorced women I know went into credit card debt, including me. But that was when credit was easy. OP, do you have credit cards?

In a real genius move I had closed quite a few, including most in my name, a while back when we thought about buying an apartment. Then I SAH and couldn't get any. I have 1 in my name and am an authorized user on many of his. Using those first. Have a call in to the Women's Center, thanks.

[Anonymous]

public benefits are notoriously bad in VA. they best in DC and OK in MD. i think that DC Alliance might cover people up to 400% FPL and that is pretty high. that is one reason to stay in DC. also, in DC you can do without a car if you absolutely have to.

[Anonymous]

The crazies have really come out on this thread. Why are people so vicious to vulnerable single mothers? We do not see this maliciousness when a SAHM mother writes about her husband losing his job and wondering how they will make ends meet. Never. If you don't have anything nice to say ....

[Anonymous]

What on earth are the earlier posts about? The OP is clearly not a stripper or teenage mom. She is just a very unlucky but not very financially independent or astute SAHM who relied on her husband for everything and now it has backfired.

She deserves sympathy and good advice. OP, plenty of women have been in your shoes but they survived and you will too. Kids are resilient and will be fine. Is early puberty going to kill your daughter? No. Then forget it and toughen up. In fact, Kim Cattrell's father left when she was a child and because of that her family were left destitute. In those days, that was your lot. They actually went hungry a lot. Women then were left to charity of neighbors. You are better off because you can work and you can earn money and have legal rights, which is really a victory for feminism.

It's tough to be poor. It's tough to fall a class level. It's tough to bulk shop and snip coupons and collect pennies in jars to redeem in those machines. It's tough to be financially insecure. But these are also vital skills. Now you have a chance to truly learn house management and economic survival skills. Think of it like a full time job.

And if you remarry, I would think twice before making yourself dependent again. Or maybe you can get your husband's gf to introduce you to some of his rich friends?

[Anonymous]

OP, you said you are an authorized user on some of his credit cards?

Cash advances. As much as you can get. Fuck him. Get yourself some money so you have a little footing.