I don't think my husband likes me

[Anonymous]

I agree with others than this type of anger is a symptom of a bigger problem. It could be work related stress, family issues etc. My DH has a temper and lost it over bills a couple of times but even he doesn't drag it on like this, for him it's a 2-3 min angry rant and that's it. I will share one thing though, if I miss a bill or payment and he loses it, I never argue or try to justify the mistake. I am not saying your reaction was wrong, it's just so that some people don't do great with provocation.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]I feel for you. My husband does the same shit. I asked him if he drank all the coffee I sent with him in his thermos to work. He said he didn't. I then said that maybe he should just make what coffee he thinks he will drink and then I wouldn't have to throw it out at the end of the day. He got so mad and yelled "HOW WOULD I KNOW HOW MUCH COFFEE I WILL DRINK". Totally uncalled for. He does this stuff often and you know what? I don't think MY husband likes me very much sometimes either. When I agree with him and let him get his own way, everything is good, but when I stand up for myself, even a little bit, things don't go so well. All you people out there who think she should bend over backwards to please her husband, you can get on the next train, because no matter how much you bend, you can't bend enough for these manipulators. :cry: [/quote]

What kind of marriages are you all having? My DH is 50 and we have been married for 25 years and apart from few difficult times when kids were born, this is not how marriage works. I don't put up with any of this. I don't change to pacify him, he doesn't scream at me ever. This is extremely unhealthy for women to think they need to be docile and pleasing. Stop being pushovers and tell the jerks to change or get out of such abusive relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others than this type of anger is a symptom of a bigger problem. It could be work related stress, family issues etc. My DH has a temper and lost it over bills a couple of times but even he doesn't drag it on like this, for him it's a 2-3 min angry rant and that's it. I will share one thing though, if I miss a bill or payment and he loses it, I never argue or try to justify the mistake. I am not saying your reaction was wrong, it's just so that some people don't do great with provocation.

No, just no. This kind of attitude is just sad to hear. I am truly feeling sad for you. He will rant at you and you just take it? WTF?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few question...

1. how tight is your budget?
2. how is his job going?
3. what type of stress is he under?

NOTE: Regarding #3 you can't objectively answer that because my wife has never been empathetic enough to recognize the million things in my mind that I'm working out regarding my job and other stuff. Yeah... kind of a trick question....

My point is that, if I use myself as a barometer, I have capacity to handle little things that go wrong in life BUT when the sum total of all the things I'm dealing with build up my capacity to deal with them gets stretched. When that happens minor things can easily set me off.

For example, in your case I can see how the late bill might have put him at about 95% of his limit (you said he wasn't upset about the late bill) but then your flippant (very high probability that you were being a bit of a smarty pants) statement about I did it before I can do it again pushed him to his breaking point.

Maybe you need to step outside of your own head for a moment and consider things from his perspective.

NP. This is just idiotic. So, any abuser has the reason to abuse? And OP should be in tune with his stress levels? Absolutely not. I don't give a crap if my day or your day is bad, I am responsible for treating other people, and especially my spouse and family with respect. So, people have to walk on egg shells around you or they might SET YOU OFF? You sound insane and an abuser. Guess what? Absolute rubbish.

yes, your reply to this poster is absolute rubbish.

If we fall for your straw-woman argument then anyone who get upset (at any point in their life) is an abuser. Your argument is idiotic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others than this type of anger is a symptom of a bigger problem. It could be work related stress, family issues etc. My DH has a temper and lost it over bills a couple of times but even he doesn't drag it on like this, for him it's a 2-3 min angry rant and that's it. I will share one thing though, if I miss a bill or payment and he loses it, I never argue or try to justify the mistake. I am not saying your reaction was wrong, it's just so that some people don't do great with provocation.

No, just no. This kind of attitude is just sad to hear. I am truly feeling sad for you. He will rant at you and you just take it? WTF?!

There's no need to feel sad for me, we have a solid, happy, warm marriage in which my DH makes pretty much no decision without my input. Now, he's also someone who doesn't appreciate arguments (actually neither do I) when other person has clearly dropped the ball. There are times when HE has to sit and listen and not say a word because it will make the situation worse and there are times when he doesn't need further provocation and it's best If I say quiet and move on. I am very old school in some ways, I would rather bite my tongue at that moment and then have a really "good" discussion when the person has calmed down. Btw, I do this with pretty much everyone, I fight at my own timing, which means I try to act, not react.

And, no my DH is not abusive or cold or a bad provider. You have to understand other person's temperament and then handle situations, and this is true for husbands as well as wives.

[Anonymous]

So you missed to pay a bill and the next thing you do is to ask to pay all the bills?lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few question...

1. how tight is your budget?
2. how is his job going?
3. what type of stress is he under?

NOTE: Regarding #3 you can't objectively answer that because my wife has never been empathetic enough to recognize the million things in my mind that I'm working out regarding my job and other stuff. Yeah... kind of a trick question....

My point is that, if I use myself as a barometer, I have capacity to handle little things that go wrong in life BUT when the sum total of all the things I'm dealing with build up my capacity to deal with them gets stretched. When that happens minor things can easily set me off.

For example, in your case I can see how the late bill might have put him at about 95% of his limit (you said he wasn't upset about the late bill) but then your flippant (very high probability that you were being a bit of a smarty pants) statement about I did it before I can do it again pushed him to his breaking point.

Maybe you need to step outside of your own head for a moment and consider things from his perspective.

NP. This is just idiotic. So, any abuser has the reason to abuse? And OP should be in tune with his stress levels? Absolutely not. I don't give a crap if my day or your day is bad, I am responsible for treating other people, and especially my spouse and family with respect. So, people have to walk on egg shells around you or they might SET YOU OFF? You sound insane and an abuser. Guess what? Absolute rubbish.

yes, your reply to this poster is absolute rubbish.

If we fall for your straw-woman argument then anyone who get upset (at any point in their life) is an abuser. Your argument is idiotic.

There is no arguing with stupid. You are clearly used to either an abuser. Abuse in used only by stupid people. Hence...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just really sad, as my husband and I have yet another fight over "nothing." It occurs to me that he harbors so much anger and resentment or whatever toward me, that he'll just unload with only the slightest of openings. This one involved me being two days late on the daycare payment. I screwed up and admitted that. We recently switched her, our routines are totally off, and we're waiting for the automatic payment to kick in. Next thing you know I'm being berated for forgetting, and he does every other bill, why can't I get this one straight? I said, fine, if you don't want to do the bills, I don't mind doing them. I did it when we lived in another city before we merged accounts, I have no problems doing that. He went nuts. He's been fighting with me ever since, showing me "proof" that I never paid the bills, that he's always done it, and called me a liar and accused me of falsely taking credit for something I never did. (I actually still have the file of bills that I marked "paid" and the date, but it seems utterly ridiculous to shove that at him. To me, this is a nonissue).
I've asked for a while now to go to counseling and he flat out refuses, and I'm left thinking that my husband doesn't really like me. That isn't a normal response to someone offering to take over the bills, and rather than being pissed right now, I'm totally sad as it really is hitting me that he doesn't much like me. Besides counseling, are there any strategies I can do? Any way I can change without becoming a total doormat??

If you have any roommate for a long time, your habits will grate on each other. Over time, you hold your tongue and it builds. Eventually, it explodes over insignificant things. One partner doesn't understand, resentment builds and things spiral. It's a natural occurrence. You both likely need to find an outlet for your frustrations and find a better way to address these issues with one another. It's very easy to say but hard to do. Take a step back. Set a scene for a calm, adult conversation. Agree that anyone that raises their voice has to throw in $10 per hostile word that the other gets to spend no questions asked --- or anything similar to give you incentive to stay calm. Realize that each of you have habits that bother the other and that you need to work toward accepting them instead of resenting them. So you were wrong to be late with the day care bill. What was the actual consequence? Is that worth all the effort and energy expended. Instead you could have put that energy to work on something positive: a home project, sex, whatever.

It's about perspective and changing it.