I don't think my husband likes me

[Anonymous]

I'm just really sad, as my husband and I have yet another fight over "nothing." It occurs to me that he harbors so much anger and resentment or whatever toward me, that he'll just unload with only the slightest of openings. This one involved me being two days late on the daycare payment. I screwed up and admitted that. We recently switched her, our routines are totally off, and we're waiting for the automatic payment to kick in. Next thing you know I'm being berated for forgetting, and he does every other bill, why can't I get this one straight? I said, fine, if you don't want to do the bills, I don't mind doing them. I did it when we lived in another city before we merged accounts, I have no problems doing that. He went nuts. He's been fighting with me ever since, showing me "proof" that I never paid the bills, that he's always done it, and called me a liar and accused me of falsely taking credit for something I never did. (I actually still have the file of bills that I marked "paid" and the date, but it seems utterly ridiculous to shove that at him. To me, this is a nonissue).
I've asked for a while now to go to counseling and he flat out refuses, and I'm left thinking that my husband doesn't really like me. That isn't a normal response to someone offering to take over the bills, and rather than being pissed right now, I'm totally sad as it really is hitting me that he doesn't much like me. Besides counseling, are there any strategies I can do? Any way I can change without becoming a total doormat??

[Anonymous]

No, this isn't a normal response. Something's not right. A relative of mine did similar things to me for a while, and I kept trying to make sense of it the way you are. -That bill paying incident you describe is so similar - almost identical - to several incidents that immediately come to mind involving my relative.

My advice is to stop trying to figure things out on your own and start collecting recommendations for therapists. Whether he's willing to go or not, you should go. What you're describing is abusive and manipulative behavior. I think you need to understand it better so that you can find constructive ways to respond.

[Anonymous]

Sounds more to me like he has an anger problem than his feelings towards you have changed.

My husband and I have been dealing with anger issues for a while (in counseling now, too) and I've been trying to read more on the subject. This book has been helpful http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Anger-Your-Relationship-Arguments/dp/1606232835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1317839471&sr=8-1

Basically it's a guide for dealing with an angry spouse - techniques for setting your boundaries, recognizing your own negative self-talk, etc.

You might also check out that guy's (W Robert Nay) website, too. There are a couple quizzes on there you can do to see if your partner has an anger problem and if the way you react contributes to it.

Good luck! I hope things get better soon.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should go to counseling even if he refuses to go with you. It will help you get perspective from a trained professional, and hopefully give you some good methods of reacting to him. You can't force him to change. You can only change your own behavior, and hopefully you can get to the bottom of this. It's not about the bills- you know that. Hugs to you my dear. And don't be so down on yourself. Maybe he is not liking himself right now. Don't let him and his reactions affect your self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

OP, this isn't a fight about nothing. You were supposed to pay a bill and you didn't. Since your husband seems to want ownership of this task, give it to him. Me, I'm trying to understand why he'd pay everything else and you'd only pay daycare. That to me isn't logical. Sounds like this fight really is about bills. Can you give some non bill examples about why he doesn't like you?

[Anonymous]

I don't know why everyone is so quick to say that it isn't a normal reaction. Of course it is. It is the number one thing that couples fight about and the number one cause of divorce, conflict over money. Late paying of a bill causes big fights in probably thousands of households ever night. I know that even though my husband and I have a relatively stable and established system that whenever unexpected bills or new items are introduced we have momentary problems and - yes - fights sometimes b/c money and mistakes involving money are just plain stressful. I do agree that it sounds like you need counseling, together or apart. I just think its overkill to conclude that the husband is abusive or manipulative b/c the couple had a blow out over a late paid bill or even b/c the couple had different frames of reference as to how much the other has historically contributed to money problems and/or money management over time. I'm so tired of hearing everything defined as abuse. The culture that makes everyone an abuser or a victim is so weak and overplayed thanks to Oprah and the others like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why everyone is so quick to say that it isn't a normal reaction. Of course it is. It is the number one thing that couples fight about and the number one cause of divorce, conflict over money. Late paying of a bill causes big fights in probably thousands of households ever night. I know that even though my husband and I have a relatively stable and established system that whenever unexpected bills or new items are introduced we have momentary problems and - yes - fights sometimes b/c money and mistakes involving money are just plain stressful. I do agree that it sounds like you need counseling, together or apart. I just think its overkill to conclude that the husband is abusive or manipulative b/c the couple had a blow out over a late paid bill or even b/c the couple had different frames of reference as to how much the other has historically contributed to money problems and/or money management over time. I'm so tired of hearing everything defined as abuse. The culture that makes everyone an abuser or a victim is so weak and overplayed thanks to Oprah and the others like her.

Agreed that money is a big reason for fights but not sure I agree that it is normal to flip out over a bill that is two days late unless there was some penalty attached to that late payment. Not paying a credit card bill that results in finance charges - ok; not paying the insurance premium and getting a cancellation notice - ok; but a daycare bill that is two days late????

[Anonymous]

OP here. I should clarify that the fight over "nothing" is about the fact that I mentioned that at one point, I paid the bills and therefore, if he wants to hand that task over, feel free. I copped to being late, I know that was my fault. For well over a year, the payments were automatic, and it just wasn't on my radar to do on a weekly basis, and I didn't know when the automatic thing was going to kick in so I didn't want to pay monthly, blah blah blah. I said to him, "damn, I forgot, I just got an email from daycare." I know, look, I suck. I got that. But he went ballistic that I "took credit" for the task of paying bills online for the time we lived in another city. Three years ago. And what came out was a lot of anger and resentment. So when I say "nothing" I mean the statement that I at one time paid the bills.
I personally don't think that's normal and feel like it's pent up anger and dislike toward me, just waiting for the first opportunity to come out.
I don't think he's an abuser. I don't think I'm a victim.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Has this been reoccurring? Or was this just a big fight you got into over "nothing"? Is he stressed out at work?

Will this make you feel better? Today I worked from home, my husband overslept and flipped out because I didn't wake him up for work. (what do you do on days I'm in the office? no one has to wake me up for work!)

Sometimes they are super annoying!

[TheManWithAUsername]

I don't know if it's normal to go off about a late bill payment, but it's certainly pointless and sad. If I made such a big deal over every little mistake my wife makes, it would probably make me as miserable as it would make her. Just yesterday I made a far more bone-headed mistake, and DW shrugged it off.

I used to live in a different situation, at a time when I felt pretty bad about myself. I was in OP's situation many times - almost exactly, actually. I started feeling better about myself, then I started defending myself, and the marriage fell apart in a matter of months.

I think if you draw lines about how you will be treated, it will quickly force change, whether that's directly, through therapy, or something less constructive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should clarify that the fight over "nothing" is about the fact that I mentioned that at one point, I paid the bills and therefore, if he wants to hand that task over, feel free. I copped to being late, I know that was my fault. For well over a year, the payments were automatic, and it just wasn't on my radar to do on a weekly basis, and I didn't know when the automatic thing was going to kick in so I didn't want to pay monthly, blah blah blah. I said to him, "damn, I forgot, I just got an email from daycare." I know, look, I suck. I got that. But he went ballistic that I "took credit" for the task of paying bills online for the time we lived in another city. Three years ago. And what came out was a lot of anger and resentment. So when I say "nothing" I mean the statement that I at one time paid the bills.
I personally don't think that's normal and feel like it's pent up anger and dislike toward me, just waiting for the first opportunity to come out.
I don't think he's an abuser. I don't think I'm a victim.

Okay, I see in your initial post you wrote that you've been asking him to go to counseling with you for a while, and he won't, so this payment conflict isn't just a "first opportunity" for anger and dislike toward you to come out. Apparently, there've been other opportunities for unpleasantness. It's great that you're not framing yourself as a victim. That's a healthy approach. Your DH's behavior, as you describe it, sounds abusive. You don't think he's an abuser, and maybe he's not. But it does seem like you have a problem, and that you want to do something about it, and that maybe you should do something about it. Good luck to you, OP. I hope everything works out for you, whatever you decide to do.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you try being the things he wants in a wife. Seriously. Try.

[Anonymous]

The fight sounds like an ordinary fight, but your husband is angry or frustrated with you and this is how it leaked out. Therefore there is no point in going over the details of who did what three years ago.

Either you see a counselor or discuss the larger issues of your respective frustrations with the relationship.

[Anonymous]

When your spouse starts picking fights over stupid shit it's often because s/he's hiding and/or feeling guilty about something else, and trying to deflect the blame on to you.

Do you think he's having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you try being the things he wants in a wife. Seriously. Try.

what does this useless comment mean?