I don't think my husband likes me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When your spouse starts picking fights over stupid shit it's often because s/he's hiding and/or feeling guilty about something else, and trying to deflect the blame on to you.

Do you think he's having an affair?

My first thought also, but I was thinking he was trying to hide something financial from her.

[Anonymous]

I still think the fight is about money, and not about "nothing." OP, it's irrelevant that you paid the bills three years ago. Three years from now, if he forgets your child's birthday and you call him on it, I hope that he won't bring up that one time when you forgot to pay daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still think the fight is about money, and not about "nothing." OP, it's irrelevant that you paid the bills three years ago. Three years from now, if he forgets your child's birthday and you call him on it, I hope that he won't bring up that one time when you forgot to pay daycare.

OP here. I think you're misunderstanding the fight, and that's fine, this is the internet. Here's how it went:
DH: "I pay every other bill and you can't remember to pay this one bill."
Me: "Yes, I agree that I forgot, we got a notice and I'm paying it in the morning. [For the past year, it was automatically deducted and we recently switched daycares and were waiting for the automatic payment to kick in. It wasn't on any of our radar.]
Me again: "I know you pay all the bills. If you don't want to, I can. I don't mind. I did it when we lived in XYZ, it's not like I can't do it. I did it once, I can do it again."
He then went nuts saying I never paid the bills, that he has always done it, and it was never my task to do. Which wasn't true.
That's the context of it. I wasn't at all the way you are making it out to be. I know we all want to pounce every now and then, but really, you misunderstood.

For what it's worth, DH and I talked and he said he is utterly frustrated with himself for making such a big deal over it. He apologized for calling me a liar, the new daycare costs are being automatically deducted as of this week, we have decided that I will pay all the daily bills and he will manage the rest of the money, etc. I'll see how this works.

[Anonymous]

No, I understand, I just think you were trying some sleight-of-hand and it didn't work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I understand, I just think you were trying some sleight-of-hand and it didn't work!

Wow, you're a real gem of a human being. I guess you're the kind of person who's always right, huh? Go away. You're a doucehbag.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

There is clearly more to your relationship than just this one incident. It’s impossible to give you advice, especially when the original post is so heavily slanted against your husband and gives zero information about your relationship and your contributions, treatment of him, past history, etc.

[Anonymous]

The fight wasn't about money. It was about keeping a tight ship. I understand his anger but I also understand the fight was a two way street.

Early on in our marriage my husband did the bills. Then I took them over and f ed all his finances up. What happened was we were not on the same page. Once we got on that page, everything flowed right. Looking back it was a pure power struggle. We then decided that was going to ruin our marriage.

Now we do finances together once a week. Nothing gets forgotten. We are partners in business running our business together.

[Anonymous]

Uh when we switched daycares it took us a few weeks to get the new rhythm of paying at a different time down. My DH did it all and was "late" once or twice. I did not berate him. Mainly because I was glad I didn't have to figure it out and I trust him. He isn't someone to miss paying bills.

There's something else going on here. The bills are not the issue.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. My husband does the same shit. I asked him if he drank all the coffee I sent with him in his thermos to work. He said he didn't. I then said that maybe he should just make what coffee he thinks he will drink and then I wouldn't have to throw it out at the end of the day. He got so mad and yelled "HOW WOULD I KNOW HOW MUCH COFFEE I WILL DRINK". Totally uncalled for. He does this stuff often and you know what? I don't think MY husband likes me very much sometimes either. When I agree with him and let him get his own way, everything is good, but when I stand up for myself, even a little bit, things don't go so well. All you people out there who think she should bend over backwards to please her husband, you can get on the next train, because no matter how much you bend, you can't bend enough for these manipulators. :cry:

[Anonymous]

A few question...

1. how tight is your budget?
2. how is his job going?
3. what type of stress is he under?

NOTE: Regarding #3 you can't objectively answer that because my wife has never been empathetic enough to recognize the million things in my mind that I'm working out regarding my job and other stuff. Yeah... kind of a trick question....

My point is that, if I use myself as a barometer, I have capacity to handle little things that go wrong in life BUT when the sum total of all the things I'm dealing with build up my capacity to deal with them gets stretched. When that happens minor things can easily set me off.

For example, in your case I can see how the late bill might have put him at about 95% of his limit (you said he wasn't upset about the late bill) but then your flippant (very high probability that you were being a bit of a smarty pants) statement about I did it before I can do it again pushed him to his breaking point.

Maybe you need to step outside of your own head for a moment and consider things from his perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should clarify that the fight over "nothing" is about the fact that I mentioned that at one point, I paid the bills and therefore, if he wants to hand that task over, feel free. I copped to being late, I know that was my fault. For well over a year, the payments were automatic, and it just wasn't on my radar to do on a weekly basis, and I didn't know when the automatic thing was going to kick in so I didn't want to pay monthly, blah blah blah. I said to him, "damn, I forgot, I just got an email from daycare." I know, look, I suck. I got that. But he went ballistic that I "took credit" for the task of paying bills online for the time we lived in another city. Three years ago. And what came out was a lot of anger and resentment. So when I say "nothing" I mean the statement that I at one time paid the bills.
I personally don't think that's normal and feel like it's pent up anger and dislike toward me, just waiting for the first opportunity to come out.
I don't think he's an abuser. I don't think I'm a victim.

Yeah, this isn't normal. Actually going ballistic over a one-time mistake? or even a mistake that shouldn't have happened more than once (I put dish soap in the dishwasher more than once. Bubble city. Nobody went ballistic).

Something else is going on. Affair, drugs? Or is your DH just crazy?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, counseling is needed.
What if you said to him "Generally when people pick on others for something small, there's really something big they're upset about. Is there something big that's bothering you? "

[Anonymous]

His reaction is out of proportion. First thing you ought to do, is if he goes nuts like this, is calmly tell him that you will not be spoken to in this way, that you are not a child to be berated and to stop talking to you until he can resume civil conversation. YOU have to do all this and act like an adult who respects herself. Then see how he reacts. And turn the tables on him here, you act like an adult and point out that he is acting like a petulant child/fool. Cut it off as soon as he starts. If he won't stop, you leave the room the house for an hour and tell him that you will not be yelled at and treated in this way. If he still doesn't change, well, then you need to rethink your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few question...

1. how tight is your budget?
2. how is his job going?
3. what type of stress is he under?

NOTE: Regarding #3 you can't objectively answer that because my wife has never been empathetic enough to recognize the million things in my mind that I'm working out regarding my job and other stuff. Yeah... kind of a trick question....

My point is that, if I use myself as a barometer, I have capacity to handle little things that go wrong in life BUT when the sum total of all the things I'm dealing with build up my capacity to deal with them gets stretched. When that happens minor things can easily set me off.

For example, in your case I can see how the late bill might have put him at about 95% of his limit (you said he wasn't upset about the late bill) but then your flippant (very high probability that you were being a bit of a smarty pants) statement about I did it before I can do it again pushed him to his breaking point.

Maybe you need to step outside of your own head for a moment and consider things from his perspective.

NP. This is just idiotic. So, any abuser has the reason to abuse? And OP should be in tune with his stress levels? Absolutely not. I don't give a crap if my day or your day is bad, I am responsible for treating other people, and especially my spouse and family with respect. So, people have to walk on egg shells around you or they might SET YOU OFF? You sound insane and an abuser. Guess what? Absolute rubbish.