Giving teenagers birth-control= Encouraging them to have sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I plan on terrifying my children about sex. In other words, I will tell them it hurts, they will bleed nonstop, you will get a deadly disease, get pregnant and his dick will fall off. I do not plan on supplying my children with birth control. Give a teenager birth control and they will have sex. Give a murderer a gun and they will shoot. Pretty much the same thing

My mother pretty much told me this when I got my period. "Don't talk to boys, don't look at them, don't go near them, if they walking on one side of the street, cross over and walk on the other side". That was the extent of the sex education I got. Little did she know I was already masturbating and watching porn at 11 yrs old. Never did have sex until 16 told, front seat of some guy's car, no protection.

[Anonymous]

I am 35 and I don't think I grew up in a particularly progressive town (some would argue it was the opposite of progressive) but we started having sex ed in the 6th grade. I switched to a very well renowned private school in 7th grade and we had sex ed every year. And pretty intense sex ed in high school, like talking about everything from date rape and domestic violence to learning how to put on a condom. And I remember learning about my period and what happens every month, the reproductive system, etc., much earlier in Girl Scouts, in maybe 4th grade. But I don't recall us talking about condoms or birth control.

I had sex when I fell in love for the first time when I was 18, the summer after I graduated from high school. And it was super safe sex too. I don't think education prompts kids to have early sex, I think it's a self esteem thing, at least for girls. I have two (very young) daughters and it's hard to say how I'll feel, but I suspect I'll want them educated pretty early on about their options, while encouraging them to wait. I agree with a PP, the Bush Administration proved that abstinence doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

Uh, sorry. Meant abstinence only education doesn't work. I do think abstinence works to prevent pregnancy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well OP, how old was your husband when he lost it?

I went to Catholic school in the 70s and some kids were messing around in 4th and 5th grade. Craziness.

How old is it OK for a kid to lose their virginity? Is it a different age for boys vs. girls? Do you want your child to remain a virgin until marriage? I for one how they don't get married until they are like, 30, so a 30 year old virgin is pretty pathetic.

Sex is a natural part of the evolution from child to adult. That happens in the later half of the teen years. Let's be realistic about biology and teen behavior. Instead of praying that they don't do it, make sure that IF they do, they don't get pregnant.

There will be a bowl of condoms by my front door and I am taking both my girls to a gyn as soon as they get their periods.

OP here, you are all right that this argument doesn't work when you don't actually have teenagers. I just hope it doesn't become a bone of contention once we get there. It is interesting to hear opinions of people who actually have teenagers though.

PP, my husband lost his virginity at 17 but started humping pillows to soft core porn on HBO at 12. He feels strongly about this because of the kids he is around every day and these are private school kids too whom people will assume are better behaved.

[Anonymous]

Hope this doesn't lead the thread in a bad direction...

I remember reading several years ago (so the data may have changed) that Catholic girls have the highest rate of abortion... presumably b/c they are ashamed of having sex or never thought about having sex until they were in the situation. Since they can't admit that they are sexually active, they certainly can't take preventative measures for birth control (b/c that would mean they are intending to continue their sins), so they end up pregnant. Then they can't go out in public pregnant, so they get the abortion to un-do the whole mess.

My point is... sex happens at one age or another. Might as well face it head on and give your kid the info. on how to avoid pregnancy IF/when they choose to go down that road. Better to have a sexually active teenager than a secretly sexually active teenager and a grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 35 and I don't think I grew up in a particularly progressive town (some would argue it was the opposite of progressive) but we started having sex ed in the 6th grade. I switched to a very well renowned private school in 7th grade and we had sex ed every year. And pretty intense sex ed in high school, like talking about everything from date rape and domestic violence to learning how to put on a condom. And I remember learning about my period and what happens every month, the reproductive system, etc., much earlier in Girl Scouts, in maybe 4th grade. But I don't recall us talking about condoms or birth control.

I had sex when I fell in love for the first time when I was 18, the summer after I graduated from high school. And it was super safe sex too. I don't think education prompts kids to have early sex, I think it's a self esteem thing, at least for girls. I have two (very young) daughters and it's hard to say how I'll feel, but I suspect I'll want them educated pretty early on about their options, while encouraging them to wait. I agree with a PP, the Bush Administration proved that abstinence doesn't work.

Wtf is "super safe sex?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 35 and I don't think I grew up in a particularly progressive town (some would argue it was the opposite of progressive) but we started having sex ed in the 6th grade. I switched to a very well renowned private school in 7th grade and we had sex ed every year. And pretty intense sex ed in high school, like talking about everything from date rape and domestic violence to learning how to put on a condom. And I remember learning about my period and what happens every month, the reproductive system, etc., much earlier in Girl Scouts, in maybe 4th grade. But I don't recall us talking about condoms or birth control.

I had sex when I fell in love for the first time when I was 18, the summer after I graduated from high school. And it was super safe sex too. I don't think education prompts kids to have early sex, I think it's a self esteem thing, at least for girls. I have two (very young) daughters and it's hard to say how I'll feel, but I suspect I'll want them educated pretty early on about their options, while encouraging them to wait. I agree with a PP, the Bush Administration proved that abstinence doesn't work.

Wtf is "super safe sex?"

Haha. I'm the poster who waited until 19. I made him wear a condom, used spermicide AND he had to pull out. HA! Can't believe he had sex with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 35 and I don't think I grew up in a particularly progressive town (some would argue it was the opposite of progressive) but we started having sex ed in the 6th grade. I switched to a very well renowned private school in 7th grade and we had sex ed every year. And pretty intense sex ed in high school, like talking about everything from date rape and domestic violence to learning how to put on a condom. And I remember learning about my period and what happens every month, the reproductive system, etc., much earlier in Girl Scouts, in maybe 4th grade. But I don't recall us talking about condoms or birth control.

I had sex when I fell in love for the first time when I was 18, the summer after I graduated from high school. And it was super safe sex too. I don't think education prompts kids to have early sex, I think it's a self esteem thing, at least for girls. I have two (very young) daughters and it's hard to say how I'll feel, but I suspect I'll want them educated pretty early on about their options, while encouraging them to wait. I agree with a PP, the Bush Administration proved that abstinence doesn't work.

Wtf is "super safe sex?"

Haha. I'm the poster who waited until 19. I made him wear a condom, used spermicide AND he had to pull out. HA! Can't believe he had sex with me.

Well, that sure is super safe sex. Poor guy though...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's the problem. There's no cookie cutter solution. Each approach will work with a different kind of teen. The deal is to find out what kind of teen you got.

My mom preached abstinence but she also educated me about the options in case I thought I was smarter than her. I followed it until I thought I found "the guy" and went ahead and picked my option. It worked for us and that's how I'll raise my teens.

Same here. I ended up waiting a lot longer than she expected, actually.

BTW, I did not interpret the "birth control conversation" as approval or consent. I was just glad for the unconditional support, and I ended up making a mature decision to wait until I met the right guy and felt 100% ready.

I do think it depends on the teen. I was someone who was careful and cautious with risky things, and I put sex in that category as a teen. So I was not one to take the birth control information and run with it. Others, however, might have made different choices in the same situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Considering your DH fathered a child at 19 (at the oldest), I'd suggest getting birth control into your kids' hands as soon as possible. Even if it "encourages" him or her to have sex, that's better than being a 34 you Grandpa, isn't it?

(I am assuming here that your 32 yo DH is the father of your teenager.)

OP here, no, we are not there yet, just about to have our first and discussing random parenting styles. I know we have a long way to go still but it's nice to know what we would do should the time come.

He thinks offering choices conveys your ambivalence about pre-mature sex. And there is nothing that sends kids spinning out of control more than a parent's ambivalence. He is a high school teacher so I'm getting the "trust me, I know" statement to back up his opinion.

OP - a wise man once told me to never have hypothetical arguments with your spouse. Since you don't yet have any kids, why on earth would you waste time on this now? You will have approximately 259,592 decisions to make in the next year alone, and upwards of 4 million before this becomes a ripe issue. Save your powder. Or, just agree with him, use that as currency in a future argument, and in 10 years or so, change your mind.

This is excellent advice.

Or if you must have hypothetical conversations, focus on the issues/decisions you'll be facing in the first six months. Lord knows, there are plenty of them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hope this doesn't lead the thread in a bad direction...

I remember reading several years ago (so the data may have changed) that Catholic girls have the highest rate of abortion... presumably b/c they are ashamed of having sex or never thought about having sex until they were in the situation. Since they can't admit that they are sexually active, they certainly can't take preventative measures for birth control (b/c that would mean they are intending to continue their sins), so they end up pregnant. Then they can't go out in public pregnant, so they get the abortion to un-do the whole mess.

My point is... sex happens at one age or another. Might as well face it head on and give your kid the info. on how to avoid pregnancy IF/when they choose to go down that road. Better to have a sexually active teenager than a secretly sexually active teenager and a grandchild.

I call BS on all this.

Not because Catholic girls are special, but because research about abortion is notoriously politicized, and I cannot conceive of a survey that would tease out the conjectures above.

And as an aside--as the mother of an out-of-wedlock, unplanned, conceived while on birth control daughter, one of the most puzzling judgments I come across is this idea that it is fine to choose to have sex as long as the girl is on birth control. The ultimate disdain is saved for those of us who bring our "accidents" to term. My college classmates were having indiscriminate drunken orgies, while I was with the live of my life, but I was Hester Prynne when I got pregnant and did not take care of my "mistake" at Planned Parenthood.

Birth control does not solve everything, but you'd think it was the magic wand of righteousness over teenage sex...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Considering your DH fathered a child at 19 (at the oldest), I'd suggest getting birth control into your kids' hands as soon as possible. Even if it "encourages" him or her to have sex, that's better than being a 34 you Grandpa, isn't it?

(I am assuming here that your 32 yo DH is the father of your teenager.)

OP here, no, we are not there yet, just about to have our first and discussing random parenting styles. I know we have a long way to go still but it's nice to know what we would do should the time come.

He thinks offering choices conveys your ambivalence about pre-mature sex. And there is nothing that sends kids spinning out of control more than a parent's ambivalence. He is a high school teacher so I'm getting the "trust me, I know" statement to back up his opinion.

OP - a wise man once told me to never have hypothetical arguments with your spouse. Since you don't yet have any kids, why on earth would you waste time on this now? You will have approximately 259,592 decisions to make in the next year alone, and upwards of 4 million before this becomes a ripe issue. Save your powder. Or, just agree with him, use that as currency in a future argument, and in 10 years or so, change your mind.

Wise counsel here. We should all take note, regardless of age.

[Anonymous]

I hope my DD will be smart enough to claim she has irregular periods and bad cramps. That will save us both a lot of trouble.

[Anonymous]

I hate to say it, but two studies looked at parental influence on teen sex. It turns out that the #1 factor in teens delaying sex was that their mothers disapproved of them having sex. That makes the whole contraception issue difficult.

James Jaccard, Patricia J. Dittus and Vivian V. Gordon, "Maternal Correlates of Adolescent Sexual and Contraceptive Behavior," Family Planning Perspectives 28 (July/August 1996): 159-165, 185. [Back]

Robert W. Blum, "Mothers' Influence on Teen Sex: Connections That Promote Postponing Sexual Intercourse," Center for Adolescent Health and Development, University of Minnesota, 2002, 16.

[Anonymous]

http://factcheck.org/2007/12/abortions-comparing-catholic-and-protestant-women/

Catholic girls had a higher rate of getting abortions than other groups.

The explanation of that was my own hypothesis, not the survey takers'. I think I have pretty good insight on the Catholic girl's midset given that I was a Catholic teenager many years ago in a VERY Catholic town.