Giving teenagers birth-control= Encouraging them to have sex?

[Anonymous]

He is a high school teacher?!?! Does he teach at an all boys school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a certain amount of permission being given when you give a "I don't want you to do it but if you are going to do it, here is the info you need to do it safely.

Some parents say I don't want you to drink underage but if you are going to, do it here in the house so it is safer.

Same as I don't want you to have sex this young but if you are going to do it, here is the info / contraception you need to do it safely.

I think offering your child condoms / birth control pills is a pretty good sign that you think they are about to be sexually active and you are accepting of that.

This makes a lot of sex but how do you effectively convey that you are not giving any kind of permission for them to have pre-mature sex? If I had to choose between my kid having safe sex or no sex, ofcourse, I will choose no sex. How do I make it absolutely clear to them that I'm in the no sex until you're old enough camp?

And what constitutes "old enough" anyway?

Ha ha!!! Nice typo!!

Oh, and OP's husband is completely out of touch. But OP, you also have to be prepared to follow through with your child and make sure that they are using birth control correctly. Because many, many teens (and heck, adults) don't.

[Anonymous]

The logic is clear, even to a teenage mind. If you say, "Don't do this but...," you are saying you do not have faith in them. That they are not strong enough, smart enough, noble enough to do what is right even when it is tough. That is a defeatist message.

But it is not enough to say "no, because there is pregnancy and disease and heartache and depression and date rape and [insert fear-mongering]." You need to start with the beautiful meaning of sex, and explain how it is powerful and awesome and gorgeous when experienced as it should be--in a loving, respectful, committed marriage.

Because restricting sex is not a random rule, like driving on the right side of the road. Sex has inherent boundaries, and when those boundaries are violated, its meaning is lost, and people get hurt, get sick, bring children into bad circumstances.

My children will learn everything in time...beginning with the real meaning of sex, then the real consequences of sex outside of its proper place, then the fact that there are (and have always been) efforts at mitigating bad choices about sex, but that these efforts are never 100%. I will always express faith in their character, and promise to love them through any mistakes along the way, but I would never, ever undermine the meaning of my words by saying "Don't, but if you do..."

[Anonymous]

My parents took your husband's proposed route, ie: "talk to them about the repercussions of having sex as teenagers and leave it at that. In other words, just tell them not to do it.".

It changed nothing. I still had sex when I was ready, instead of when THEY were ready. My boyfriend bought the condoms (two towns away), just like any normal boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The logic is clear, even to a teenage mind. If you say, "Don't do this but...," you are saying you do not have faith in them. That they are not strong enough, smart enough, noble enough to do what is right even when it is tough. That is a defeatist message.

But it is not enough to say "no, because there is pregnancy and disease and heartache and depression and date rape and [insert fear-mongering]." You need to start with the beautiful meaning of sex, and explain how it is powerful and awesome and gorgeous when experienced as it should be--in a loving, respectful, committed marriage.

Because restricting sex is not a random rule, like driving on the right side of the road. Sex has inherent boundaries, and when those boundaries are violated, its meaning is lost, and people get hurt, get sick, bring children into bad circumstances.

My children will learn everything in time...beginning with the real meaning of sex, then the real consequences of sex outside of its proper place, then the fact that there are (and have always been) efforts at mitigating bad choices about sex, but that these efforts are never 100%. I will always express faith in their character, and promise to love them through any mistakes along the way, but I would never, ever undermine the meaning of my words by saying "Don't, but if you do..."

But what will you do when your kids look at porn?

(Seriously, didn't you have enough opportunity to blather on in the porn thread?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The logic is clear, even to a teenage mind. If you say, "Don't do this but...," you are saying you do not have faith in them. That they are not strong enough, smart enough, noble enough to do what is right even when it is tough. That is a defeatist message.

But it is not enough to say "no, because there is pregnancy and disease and heartache and depression and date rape and [insert fear-mongering]." You need to start with the beautiful meaning of sex, and explain how it is powerful and awesome and gorgeous when experienced as it should be--in a loving, respectful, committed marriage.

Because restricting sex is not a random rule, like driving on the right side of the road. Sex has inherent boundaries, and when those boundaries are violated, its meaning is lost, and people get hurt, get sick, bring children into bad circumstances.

My children will learn everything in time...beginning with the real meaning of sex, then the real consequences of sex outside of its proper place, then the fact that there are (and have always been) efforts at mitigating bad choices about sex, but that these efforts are never 100%. I will always express faith in their character, and promise to love them through any mistakes along the way, but I would never, ever undermine the meaning of my words by saying "Don't, but if you do..."

This approach worked with me. I wanted my first time to be meaningful. It was. I was 19, in love and used a condom. I didn't marry this guy, but I only had 1 other boyfriend before I was married.
I just agree with the pp who said you need to know your child and what type of character they have. You need to start forming their character early so that they care about their bodies and their reputation and can delay the gratification of sex for a meaningful relationship. And sure, teach them about pregnancy and disease so that they have all of the information. If your child doesn't care about their reputation, their body, and meaningful sex, then give them condoms. Know your kid.

[Anonymous]

I plan on terrifying my children about sex. In other words, I will tell them it hurts, they will bleed nonstop, you will get a deadly disease, get pregnant and his dick will fall off. I do not plan on supplying my children with birth control. Give a teenager birth control and they will have sex. Give a murderer a gun and they will shoot. Pretty much the same thing

[Anonymous]

My dad came to me when I was 16 and asked if I needed to be on birth control. I said I didn't for the reasons he was asking (sex - i was a virgin) but that I'd like to go on the pill to make my period more manageable. (before the pill, I would often lose so much blood that I'd pass out at school. embarrassing.) I did end up having sex at 17 because I felt ready, and also knew that I'd be less likely to get pregnant while on the pill and using condoms. I think teens should have access to birth control because I think they're going to do it anyway, and at least we can help limit pregnancy and STD's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The logic is clear, even to a teenage mind. If you say, "Don't do this but...," you are saying you do not have faith in them. That they are not strong enough, smart enough, noble enough to do what is right even when it is tough. That is a defeatist message.

But it is not enough to say "no, because there is pregnancy and disease and heartache and depression and date rape and [insert fear-mongering]." You need to start with the beautiful meaning of sex, and explain how it is powerful and awesome and gorgeous when experienced as it should be--in a loving, respectful, committed marriage.

Because restricting sex is not a random rule, like driving on the right side of the road. Sex has inherent boundaries, and when those boundaries are violated, its meaning is lost, and people get hurt, get sick, bring children into bad circumstances.

My children will learn everything in time...beginning with the real meaning of sex, then the real consequences of sex outside of its proper place, then the fact that there are (and have always been) efforts at mitigating bad choices about sex, but that these efforts are never 100%. I will always express faith in their character, and promise to love them through any mistakes along the way, but I would never, ever undermine the meaning of my words by saying "Don't, but if you do..."

But what will you do when your kids look at porn?

(Seriously, didn't you have enough opportunity to blather on in the porn thread?)

Where's the love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The logic is clear, even to a teenage mind. If you say, "Don't do this but...," you are saying you do not have faith in them. That they are not strong enough, smart enough, noble enough to do what is right even when it is tough. That is a defeatist message.

But it is not enough to say "no, because there is pregnancy and disease and heartache and depression and date rape and [insert fear-mongering]." You need to start with the beautiful meaning of sex, and explain how it is powerful and awesome and gorgeous when experienced as it should be--in a loving, respectful, committed marriage.

Because restricting sex is not a random rule, like driving on the right side of the road. Sex has inherent boundaries, and when those boundaries are violated, its meaning is lost, and people get hurt, get sick, bring children into bad circumstances.

My children will learn everything in time...beginning with the real meaning of sex, then the real consequences of sex outside of its proper place, then the fact that there are (and have always been) efforts at mitigating bad choices about sex, but that these efforts are never 100%. I will always express faith in their character, and promise to love them through any mistakes along the way, but I would never, ever undermine the meaning of my words by saying "Don't, but if you do..."

Yes, all teenagers listen to their parents. Disobedience and limit testing is not prevalent and completely normal in teens.

I hope part of your preaching will include scientific facts such as, how you get STDs (I had a friend in college who thought you could't get one from a BJ), how you protect yourself from STDs and pregnancy, and why sex in a relationship is ideal, though plenty of people have sex outside of romantic relationships (especially in high school, surprise surprise...oh yeah and college too) and what are the facts about that, and at least an offer to accompany your teen to the Dr to get birth control pills or your son to the store to buy condoms.

Because anything less is really, really immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I plan on terrifying my children about sex. In other words, I will tell them it hurts, they will bleed nonstop, you will get a deadly disease, get pregnant and his dick will fall off. I do not plan on supplying my children with birth control. Give a teenager birth control and they will have sex. Give a murderer a gun and they will shoot. Pretty much the same thing

That's one way to cause permanent issues with your children.

And that's a fairly poor analogy. Unless you think all humans are murderers and will murder if given a gun.

[Anonymous]

I think this is one argument that just doesn't work in the hypothetical. You may feel differently when you have a 12 year old. Between the 2 of you, I feel as though your husband has a better sense of teenagers. As for both of you, you have a dozen years or more to work on a relationship with your kids that you feel as though they would talk to you about whether they were sexually active -- rather that just throwing birth control at them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan on terrifying my children about sex. In other words, I will tell them it hurts, they will bleed nonstop, you will get a deadly disease, get pregnant and his dick will fall off. I do not plan on supplying my children with birth control. Give a teenager birth control and they will have sex. Give a murderer a gun and they will shoot. Pretty much the same thing

That's one way to cause permanent issues with your children.

And that's a fairly poor analogy. Unless you think all humans are murderers and will murder if given a gun.

Sarcasm...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The logic is clear, even to a teenage mind. If you say, "Don't do this but...," you are saying you do not have faith in them. That they are not strong enough, smart enough, noble enough to do what is right even when it is tough. That is a defeatist message.

But it is not enough to say "no, because there is pregnancy and disease and heartache and depression and date rape and [insert fear-mongering]." You need to start with the beautiful meaning of sex, and explain how it is powerful and awesome and gorgeous when experienced as it should be--in a loving, respectful, committed marriage.

Because restricting sex is not a random rule, like driving on the right side of the road. Sex has inherent boundaries, and when those boundaries are violated, its meaning is lost, and people get hurt, get sick, bring children into bad circumstances.

My children will learn everything in time...beginning with the real meaning of sex, then the real consequences of sex outside of its proper place, then the fact that there are (and have always been) efforts at mitigating bad choices about sex, but that these efforts are never 100%. I will always express faith in their character, and promise to love them through any mistakes along the way, but I would never, ever undermine the meaning of my words by saying "Don't, but if you do..."

Yes, all teenagers listen to their parents. Disobedience and limit testing is not prevalent and completely normal in teens.

I hope part of your preaching will include scientific facts such as, how you get STDs (I had a friend in college who thought you could't get one from a BJ), how you protect yourself from STDs and pregnancy, and why sex in a relationship is ideal, though plenty of people have sex outside of romantic relationships (especially in high school, surprise surprise...oh yeah and college too) and what are the facts about that, and at least an offer to accompany your teen to the Dr to get birth control pills or your son to the store to buy condoms.

Because anything less is really, really immature.

But that would be a complete violation of all the values we raised them with, rendering them meaningless. So no, absolutely not.

And of course we will teach them about STDs, birth control methods, their failure rates, their side effects. Of course our children are just as human as all children, and are likely to make mistakes. It is precisely because I made poor choices that I will both give them all the facts, do my best to give them a deep and intellectual faith, and then pray that they do what is right. But I will not change, manipulate, hide, distort, or downplay the truth about sex in order to help them rationalize wrong decisions.

[Anonymous]

Well OP, how old was your husband when he lost it?

I went to Catholic school in the 70s and some kids were messing around in 4th and 5th grade. Craziness.

How old is it OK for a kid to lose their virginity? Is it a different age for boys vs. girls? Do you want your child to remain a virgin until marriage? I for one how they don't get married until they are like, 30, so a 30 year old virgin is pretty pathetic.

Sex is a natural part of the evolution from child to adult. That happens in the later half of the teen years. Let's be realistic about biology and teen behavior. Instead of praying that they don't do it, make sure that IF they do, they don't get pregnant.

There will be a bowl of condoms by my front door and I am taking both my girls to a gyn as soon as they get their periods.