DD got into a physical fight on the last day of school

[Anonymous]

Are they going to be in the same school next year? If not, I probably would let it go. If they will be in the same school, consider if switching schools make sense (in the long run for her mental state/physical safety). If not, file a police report. If there is a video evidence, screenshots, complaints made to school - your case is much stronger and a chance for your daughter being blamed decrease. If there is no strong evidence, consider that thee girl will lie and blame your daughter (perhaps fabricate information/screenshots using AI). Is this something you want your daughter to go through? Considering the assault you might be able to get a protective order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they going to be in the same school next year? If not, I probably would let it go. If they will be in the same school, consider if switching schools make sense (in the long run for her mental state/physical safety). If not, file a police report. If there is a video evidence, screenshots, complaints made to school - your case is much stronger and a chance for your daughter being blamed decrease. If there is no strong evidence, consider that thee girl will lie and blame your daughter (perhaps fabricate information/screenshots using AI). Is this something you want your daughter to go through? Considering the assault you might be able to get a protective order.

Shouldn't it be the opposite? If they'll see each other next year, it's even more important to start a paper trail now, in case something happens in the future.

I'm all for OP filing charges. Nothing will get done, I think. But there will be evidence that OP tried to get this resolved, so when this girl strikes again, on OP's child or someone else, police will hopefully look at her history and be a little less lenient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my daughter is definitely the victim here. The girl has started rumours about my daughter and has cyber bullied her and accused her of stealing her boyfriend, because he was the bully’s crush in 8th grade. The girl shows jealousy towards my daughter, and I’ve seen how she’s bullied my daughter all year. I’ve gone to the counselors office many times. I will be going to the police department.

I hope for your daughter’s sake you are right. Have you asked her if she wants to press charges? There’s zero chance I would involve the police in something like this unless I had video evidence that my daughter was not the aggressor. Even then, I’d be reluctant given how easy it is for police to charge the wrong person.

Your advice for a young woman is to just suck it up when she is bullied and attacked???!!!! Are you for real?!!!!!

If she wasn't injured then what is the point?

What is the point of holding someone who has assaulted you accountable? What is wrong with you people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my daughter is definitely the victim here. The girl has started rumours about my daughter and has cyber bullied her and accused her of stealing her boyfriend, because he was the bully’s crush in 8th grade. The girl shows jealousy towards my daughter, and I’ve seen how she’s bullied my daughter all year. I’ve gone to the counselors office many times. I will be going to the police department.

I hope for your daughter’s sake you are right. Have you asked her if she wants to press charges? There’s zero chance I would involve the police in something like this unless I had video evidence that my daughter was not the aggressor. Even then, I’d be reluctant given how easy it is for police to charge the wrong person.

Your advice for a young woman is to just suck it up when she is bullied and attacked???!!!! Are you for real?!!!!!

If she wasn't injured then what is the point?

What is the point of holding someone who has assaulted you accountable? What is wrong with you people?

What do you think the accountability will look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD (16) got into a physical fight on the last day of school and I honestly don't know where to begin.

She has been relentlessly bullied all year by a girl in a rival friend group. The school has done absolutely nothing despite months of drama, harassment, rumors, and social warfare over boys and friendships. On the very last day of school, this girl finally attacked my daughter by pushing her. DD defended herself by pushing back, and a fight broke out.

Now somehow MY daughter is the one facing consequences. She was forced to stay after school, missed her bus, and now we have to report to the principal's office even though she was the victim. Her entire summer is now ruined because of this.

I am seriously considering filing a police report and pressing charges against the other girl and possibly pursuing legal action against the school for failing to protect my child despite a year of bullying.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Can schools really punish a child for defending herself after being physically assaulted? I am absolutely furious.

"Somehow" your daughter is facing consequences. Maybe "somehow" they have some camera evidence that she's not actually the victim.

[Anonymous]

YES we have been in this situation. Like exactly -- DD spent the whole year either avoiding this group of girls who kept trying to bait her (she's been friends with one of them a previous year but they either fell out or lost touch, and the girl formed a new friend group and decided they ALL hated my DD in solidarity), or politely asking them to stop. Really aggressive behavior like surrounding her at lunch or in the library (sitting on all sides), asking her questions about her grades and love life so they could make fun of her, etc. Finally in May of that year DD got frustrated and shoved one of these girls and she was suspended for fighting. It was really unfair. We fought it and not only got the suspension lifted but the other girls had to do counseling with my daughter and the finally left her alone after that.

My advice: document everything, including any texts or emails you have addressing the bullying earlier in the year. Both you and your daughter should sit down now and write a narrative description of what led to the right and what happened in the fight (or for you, how you found out and what your daughter has been doing since). Also when you meet with the school, ask them to provide you with a summary of every action the school has taken on this issue and the names of every staffer involved.

I found that once they understood I was organized and would be advocating for my daughter, they very quickly changed their tune from punitive to collaborative. They want to avoid litigation and the want to avoid any discussion of their own failures in supervising behavior. Frame everything as you seeking to understand their process -- especially if they ignored complaints from you or your DD regarding the past behavior of these girls , they will be eager to paper it over as merely a misunderstanding.

You don't have to just take it. Don't let them scapegoat her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no one will do anything except suspend both students fighting. the police wont' do anything either we have filed reports and nothing happens.

Schools typically suspend both engaged in a fight. The girl pushed her. Your daughter pushed back instead of walking away. It turned into a fight between two students. That’s what happens.

My daughter was talking to her friend in the hall when one girl bumped her and the other girl took her phone out of the pocket on the backpack. My daughter felt it and chased her. The fought over the phone and my daughter got it back. They both got suspended for fighting. If my daughter hadn’t physically grabbed it from her she wouldn’t have gotten it back. Hardly fair.

[Anonymous]

I would really go in very aggressive with the principals office if they persist in saying your daughter is at fault. First, I would hear what they have to say, and then if it’s unfavorable for your daughter, I would remind them of the litany of things this other kid has done to your daughter, point out to them that your daughter has shown a lot of restraint for the entire year, and know that if someone pushes your daughter or is aggressive physically with her, it is reasonable for her to react. Ask why they have done nothing to solve the problem all year of House. Your daughter was bullied. Ask what exactly it is. Expected your daughter to do after the other kid pushed her. And then let them know that if they try to sanction your daughter in anyway, you will escalate it to the school board and let the school board know that the school is not properly handling bullying. The school is lucky that nobody got seriously hurt. I’m sorry for your daughter and it sounds like she has friends, which is good, as well as a mom who has her back.

[Anonymous]

Reward her for defending herself. Press charges. The school won’t do anything real to the other girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YES we have been in this situation. Like exactly -- DD spent the whole year either avoiding this group of girls who kept trying to bait her (she's been friends with one of them a previous year but they either fell out or lost touch, and the girl formed a new friend group and decided they ALL hated my DD in solidarity), or politely asking them to stop. Really aggressive behavior like surrounding her at lunch or in the library (sitting on all sides), asking her questions about her grades and love life so they could make fun of her, etc. Finally in May of that year DD got frustrated and shoved one of these girls and she was suspended for fighting. It was really unfair. We fought it and not only got the suspension lifted but the other girls had to do counseling with my daughter and the finally left her alone after that.

My advice: document everything, including any texts or emails you have addressing the bullying earlier in the year. Both you and your daughter should sit down now and write a narrative description of what led to the right and what happened in the fight (or for you, how you found out and what your daughter has been doing since). Also when you meet with the school, ask them to provide you with a summary of every action the school has taken on this issue and the names of every staffer involved.

I found that once they understood I was organized and would be advocating for my daughter, they very quickly changed their tune from punitive to collaborative. They want to avoid litigation and the want to avoid any discussion of their own failures in supervising behavior. Frame everything as you seeking to understand their process -- especially if they ignored complaints from you or your DD regarding the past behavior of these girls , they will be eager to paper it over as merely a misunderstanding.

You don't have to just take it. Don't let them scapegoat her.

This is the only time that so-called "restorative justice" - ie, meeting with the all the kids who were involved - works in schools. It's when the "perps" are actually the victims of low-key but persistent harassment.

I'm glad it worked out for your child, PP. Thank goodness you were there to fight for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YES we have been in this situation. Like exactly -- DD spent the whole year either avoiding this group of girls who kept trying to bait her (she's been friends with one of them a previous year but they either fell out or lost touch, and the girl formed a new friend group and decided they ALL hated my DD in solidarity), or politely asking them to stop. Really aggressive behavior like surrounding her at lunch or in the library (sitting on all sides), asking her questions about her grades and love life so they could make fun of her, etc. Finally in May of that year DD got frustrated and shoved one of these girls and she was suspended for fighting. It was really unfair. We fought it and not only got the suspension lifted but the other girls had to do counseling with my daughter and the finally left her alone after that.

My advice: document everything, including any texts or emails you have addressing the bullying earlier in the year. Both you and your daughter should sit down now and write a narrative description of what led to the right and what happened in the fight (or for you, how you found out and what your daughter has been doing since). Also when you meet with the school, ask them to provide you with a summary of every action the school has taken on this issue and the names of every staffer involved.

I found that once they understood I was organized and would be advocating for my daughter, they very quickly changed their tune from punitive to collaborative. They want to avoid litigation and the want to avoid any discussion of their own failures in supervising behavior. Frame everything as you seeking to understand their process -- especially if they ignored complaints from you or your DD regarding the past behavior of these girls , they will be eager to paper it over as merely a misunderstanding.

You don't have to just take it. Don't let them scapegoat her.

This is the only time that so-called "restorative justice" - ie, meeting with the all the kids who were involved - works in schools. It's when the "perps" are actually the victims of low-key but persistent harassment.

I'm glad it worked out for your child, PP. Thank goodness you were there to fight for her.

PP here and yes, this was an instance where restorative justice worked. I prepped my daughter for those counseling sessions by telling her to be totally honest in her pre-session with the counselor. Give the whole backstory of the friendship, everything these girls said to her all year, AND how she felt about it. What happened then when they all met together is that these girls couldn't find a way to explain their behavior. They'd been instigators, she'd walked away or asked them to leave her alone dozens of times. She'd never done anything to encourage the situation until she shoved the girl. Once the girls had to account for that in front of an adult, they had no choice but to say they'd leave her alone.

The part that makes me really mad is that DD and I both contacted the school before the shoving incident to ask for intervention, and the school did nothing. The only reason it ever got addressed is BECAUSE my daughter broke and shoved this girl. If she'd kept her cool and continued to ignore, they would have kept it up for who knows how long.

To be clear, I'm not a proponent of physical violence. My DD was so freaked out after that incident and was beating herself up because she knew she'd resorted to the one thing we e always told her you shouldn't do, which is lay hands on another person in anger. But is the solution really to just take it? Schools essentially encourage violence by doing nothing about harassment, and then they claim everyone is at fault.

I wish we could afford private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my daughter is definitely the victim here. The girl has started rumours about my daughter and has cyber bullied her and accused her of stealing her boyfriend, because he was the bully’s crush in 8th grade. The girl shows jealousy towards my daughter, and I’ve seen how she’s bullied my daughter all year. I’ve gone to the counselors office many times. I will be going to the police department.

You should also file a bullying report for that specific day.

Also, email the school and formally ask for a video of the incident.

I’m curious. What consequences is your daughter facing? The school is blaming her and what is her punishment?

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to expand on this:

"Now somehow MY daughter is the one facing consequences. She was forced to stay after school, missed her bus, and now we have to report to the principal's office even though she was the victim. Her entire summer is now ruined because of this."

What are the consequences she is facing? The fact that she had to stay after school that day and you both have to have a conversation with the principal? Seems to me like normal procedure for both people involved in a fight. Are you certain the other person did not face the same "consequences"? Her summer is not ruined.


You are right to be upset that your daughter has been bullied and that she got in a fight. But being extremely over dramatic about what has happened after the fight is not the right approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to expand on this:

"Now somehow MY daughter is the one facing consequences. She was forced to stay after school, missed her bus, and now we have to report to the principal's office even though she was the victim. Her entire summer is now ruined because of this."

What are the consequences she is facing? The fact that she had to stay after school that day and you both have to have a conversation with the principal? Seems to me like normal procedure for both people involved in a fight. Are you certain the other person did not face the same "consequences"? Her summer is not ruined.


You are right to be upset that your daughter has been bullied and that she got in a fight. But being extremely over dramatic about what has happened after the fight is not the right approach.

Cut OP some slack, she was posting emotionally right after the incident. Put yourself in her shoes and consider that you, too, might catastrophize a bit or post a despairing comment on an anonymous board in the same situation. It does not encapsulate her entire response, it's just what she wrote here to strangers in a vulnerable moment. Getting fixated on it instead of focusing on the broader picture (OP's daughter needs a plan for approaching the meeting with the principal and it's important she and her mom properly communicate the context of the incident).

When someone catastrophizes in an emotional moment, you can help them by staying grounded in reality, not by flipping it around and criticizing their emotional response to a very upsetting situation. Something to remember when dealing with teens, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to expand on this:

"Now somehow MY daughter is the one facing consequences. She was forced to stay after school, missed her bus, and now we have to report to the principal's office even though she was the victim. Her entire summer is now ruined because of this."

What are the consequences she is facing? The fact that she had to stay after school that day and you both have to have a conversation with the principal? Seems to me like normal procedure for both people involved in a fight. Are you certain the other person did not face the same "consequences"? Her summer is not ruined.


You are right to be upset that your daughter has been bullied and that she got in a fight. But being extremely over dramatic about what has happened after the fight is not the right approach.

Cut OP some slack, she was posting emotionally right after the incident. Put yourself in her shoes and consider that you, too, might catastrophize a bit or post a despairing comment on an anonymous board in the same situation. It does not encapsulate her entire response, it's just what she wrote here to strangers in a vulnerable moment. Getting fixated on it instead of focusing on the broader picture (OP's daughter needs a plan for approaching the meeting with the principal and it's important she and her mom properly communicate the context of the incident).

When someone catastrophizes in an emotional moment, you can help them by staying grounded in reality, not by flipping it around and criticizing their emotional response to a very upsetting situation. Something to remember when dealing with teens, too.

Wow. I was not attacking at all. And I specifically validated the feelings. I was providing well-intentioned advice on the best things to focus on.