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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]YES we have been in this situation. Like exactly -- DD spent the whole year either avoiding this group of girls who kept trying to bait her (she's been friends with one of them a previous year but they either fell out or lost touch, and the girl formed a new friend group and decided they ALL hated my DD in solidarity), or politely asking them to stop. Really aggressive behavior like surrounding her at lunch or in the library (sitting on all sides), asking her questions about her grades and love life so they could make fun of her, etc. Finally in May of that year DD got frustrated and shoved one of these girls and she was suspended for fighting. It was really unfair. We fought it and not only got the suspension lifted but the other girls had to do counseling with my daughter and the finally left her alone after that.

My advice: document everything, including any texts or emails you have addressing the bullying earlier in the year. Both you and your daughter should sit down now and write a narrative description of what led to the right and what happened in the fight (or for you, how you found out and what your daughter has been doing since). Also when you meet with the school, ask them to provide you with a summary of every action the school has taken on this issue and the names of every staffer involved.

I found that once they understood I was organized and would be advocating for my daughter, they very quickly changed their tune from punitive to collaborative. They want to avoid litigation and the want to avoid any discussion of their own failures in supervising behavior. Frame everything as you seeking to understand their process -- especially if they ignored complaints from you or your DD regarding the past behavior of these girls , they will be eager to paper it over as merely a misunderstanding.

You don't have to just take it. Don't let them scapegoat her.[/quote]

This is the only time that so-called "restorative justice"  - ie, meeting with the all the kids who were involved - works in schools. It's when the "perps" are actually the victims of low-key but persistent harassment.

I'm glad it worked out for your child, PP. Thank goodness you were there to fight for her.

[/quote]

PP here and yes, this was an instance where restorative justice worked. I prepped my daughter for those counseling sessions by telling her to be totally honest in her pre-session with the counselor. Give the whole backstory of the friendship, everything these girls said to her all year, AND how she felt about it. What happened then when they all met together is that these girls couldn't find a way to explain their behavior. They'd been instigators, she'd walked away or asked them to leave her alone dozens of times. She'd never done anything to encourage the situation until she shoved the girl. Once the girls had to account for that in front of an adult, they had no choice but to say they'd leave her alone.

The part that makes me really mad is that DD and I both contacted the school before the shoving incident to ask for intervention, and the school did nothing. The only reason it ever got addressed is BECAUSE my daughter broke and shoved this girl. If she'd kept her cool and continued to ignore, they would have kept it up for who knows how long.

To be clear, I'm not a proponent of physical violence. My DD was so freaked out after that incident and was beating herself up because she knew she'd resorted to the one thing we e always told her you shouldn't do, which is lay hands on another person in anger. But is the solution really to just take it? Schools essentially encourage violence by doing nothing about harassment, and then they claim everyone is at fault.

I wish we could afford private.[/quote]

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